Update:

Ok, I take it back - it wasn't some crazy "accident" that I find out from the internet that my brother/SIL are having their second kid. I actually got a MySpace bulletin with them announcing it. It's apparently how they're letting their family know. Really, that's class.

!@$#%^&*(&*%#%*#^!

Got Mold?

So, health issues explained: we've got mold. Not the horrendous Black Mold where you have to tear down walls, bulldoze the house or otherwise start over...other mold. The kind that makes me wake up in the middle of the night sneezing.

We had our house tested last week - I can't seem to get healthy lately. Allergies / colds / sinus infections, you name it. So we dished out $300 for some dude to spend 10 minutes walking around the house testing our air.

Diagnosis: Penicillium.

You'd think with an antibiotic name like that I'd be extra healthy. Not the case.

Fortunately, it's only in the basement (unfortunately so is the furnace which means it gets blown all over the house). But it just means reshuffling a few things on our "shit to fix" list. For instance, waterproofing the basement, venting the dryer, having the ductwork cleaned out.

Can't wait to start feeling better. There are only 2 drugs that allow me to breath and not sneeze until my nose bleeds: Benadryl, which puts me into an instant coma, and Mucinex, which lets me breath, but gives me insomnia.

So listen up all you mold spores - I'm coming for ya. This war has just begun.

Did I mention I invented the Internet?

How lovely is this one a scale of 1 -1o? I just found out my SIL is expecting her 2nd child. How did I discover this? From a post on the internet.

Nothing like a little sensitivity to get ya goin' in the morning.


Did I mention I'm sick of everybody around me getting pregnant?

Things that go lump in the night

Well it turns out denial doesn't do much after all. I had a doctor appointment today that I've been trying not to think about or talk about since I scheduled it 12 long days ago. Unfortunately real life doesn't give a crap about denial and instead I find myself left with this one fact:

I am 30 years old and as of 3pm this afternoon I have a surgical consultation about a lump in my breast that my doctor can't identify.

She did a sonogram during my office visit and the only thing I know for sure is, it isn't a cyst.

After that I was shuffled off to the scheduling nurse who set up my consult with a breast surgeon and then scooted me out the door. I'm told they will do a mammogram and depending on that, possibly a biopsy. Ever the optimist (stop laughing), I spent 0.16 seconds on Google, and this is the first website I found:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2003/09/26/hmert26.xml&sSheet=/health/2003/09/26/ixhmain.html

My appointment is November 27th.

Hodgepodge of nonsense

Phew...what a few weeks...few months... Can you believe it's November? The air is crisp, the leaves are crispy. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. My mother in law asked me what I wanted for Christmas today. WHAT? It's no longer August? When did that happen?

Things have been fast for the last month or so. I took a trip out to CA to visit my brother, his wife and my nephew (my brother is in the Marines). It was a good visit, but a whirlwind. The wildfires started there the day we left - they were evacuated shortly after. I'm sure to them it feels like the visit never even happened after all that. But it was a good time - just wish we had spent more time visiting than trying to fit in all the sightseeing that we did. We did a little trip up to LA, San Diego, and then my other brother and my father and I went down to Tijuana. Oy...don't ever go there. Horrible place - dirty, poor and just all around sad. It's no wonder we have immigration issues in this country. Hell, one afternoon in TJ and legislators would be passing bills making it illegal to NOT come into this country. Really, it was a life experience.

The hubby has been jet-setting around the world. Well, not the world, but the midwest anyway. His company has him hopping around on private jets being wined/dined by huge corporations...big fancy expensive dinners out, golfing and...even a strip club on the latest venture. My god, what a life he leads.

We've made good friends with our new neighbors - they're about our age - awesome people. I continue to "grow" in my infertility journey. And by "grow", what I mean is she's pregnant and I haven't bitten anyone's head off about it yet. Look at me - it's like I'm all growed up. They seem to be pretty incredible people actually. I'm looking forward to spending more time with them.

We've decided to dive back into some more house construction (when will I learn?). It's been one week and already it's been one disaster after another. Honestly, so many things have gone wrong we've just been kicking back at night with some wine and laughing about it. We pulled up a portion of our bedroom flooring that was carpeted - we're replacing it with hardwoods. Only the nailer that we rented wouldn't work. We had it for 2 days and accomplished nothing. Oh, and to add to the stupidity of the situation, when we dismantled the bed, we leaned it up against the closet door and then stacked the dressers and various other crap in front of THAT. I haven't been able to get to my clothes in a week now. Smart move, right?

The reason for the carpeting having to go is I've had a really hard time with my allergies since we moved into this place. We've got somebody coming out next month to clean and sanitize our duct system. If that doesn't work, we're going to have someone come test for mold. It's been a year and a half - I wake up sneezing almost every morning, and even sometimes in the middle of the night. I'm not one to drug myself often, so I've been pretty miserable. Plus, I work from home, so I'm always around whatever it is. In fact right now I'm trying to shake a 2 week cold, which (so far) has turned in to a 3 week sinus infection. Antibiotics are only starting to help kill it.

Anyway - back to our construction disasters. As I mentioned, we took apart all of our bedroom furniture, which means we have been sleeping in the guest room for a week now. It's only a double bed in the guest room (we're used to a king). Not enough space for the 2 of us and the dog. Did I mention the dog is insanely spoiled and will NOT sleep on the floor by herself? We ended up moving a futon matress into the guest room and threw it on the floor. Me and the dog are sleeping together, hubby is in the bed. Pure, stinkin' rotten. But damn she's cute. She's also probably a big part of my allergy issue....

I talked to my doctor about all the problems I've been having - kind of gave her my recent medical history and she mentioned that doing IVF (all those hormones) can actually change your body chemistry. So something I might not have been allergic to before I took all the drugs, I could be very allergic to now. Once the holidays calm down I think I'm going to go in for a new round of allergy testing - haven't had it done in 10 years.

I can't help but wonder if the constant allergies may have affected the outcome of our IVFs. I've read where your immune system can literally attack and kill off the embryos. Mine has been in overdrive for quite some time now. Can't help but thing that could've had something to do with it.

In other health news. I am officially calling myself a vegetarian. I haven't had meat in over 7 months now. I did it for animal rights reasons, but I've been reading that getting all that gunk out of your system can actually help with IVF (among a zillion other health benefits). All the more reason to keep at it. I'm feeling pretty good - much more conscious about what goes into my body...definitely getting more vitamins.

This summer has been a godsend to me. Not only have I made some healthy lifestyle changes, but I really feel like I've been able to detox emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I still have days...well, not even days really, more like hours here and there, where the sadness of our journey will just blindside me and mow me over without warning. But overall, it was a hugely needed break not only physically, but for my mental state. It's the first time in over 4 years where I can truly say that it's not in the forefront of my brain at all times. It's lurking in there of course, but it's not a driving force.

I think most of it was (is) trying to get past the guilt of two failed IVFs. Guilt is a powerful thing isn't it? Those poor Catholics. :) As completely insane as it sounds, it was getting past the idea that "I" - or "My Body" killed off our embryos. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? Completely illogical. But that was it. I wasn't able to think "it just didn't work". In my head it was "it would've worked if I hadn't killed them." I just knew that I had done something wrong. It was my fault. Hell, even after having self-proclaimed myself "guilt-free" seconds ago, it still seems somehow *wrong* to say it wasn't my fault. Maybe that feeling never really goes away. It's all in how you move on, I suppose. I'll just keep working at it like everybody else.

We kept saying we were going to do IVF after my birthday (that was August). Well, 2 months later and I'm only just starting to toy with the idea again. J and I talked about setting up a consultation last night. I actually just signed up for an appointment online (they're supposed to call back in 48 hours to set it up).

Our plan is to do a consultation in January. Why January? Because we are going to Belize for New Year's. We get back in the wee hours of January 3rd. So we're going to try to get an appointment that day while we're in The Big City. We will not be going with the doctor we have used for the last 2 cycles. Hopefully this new clinic won't mind IVF-ing us from 4 hours away. I really don't think it should be a problem, but we just need to hammer out the details. More details to come, I'm trying not to use up too much brain power on it:

My focus is more on our trip. BELIZE!! How could you not be excited about that trip? I am very much looking forward to it. And if it deadens the fear of having a consultation, that's even better. :)

That's the latest......more later.

Babies Everywhere But Here

Round two has begun.

So I got through (read: bitched and cried through) everybody around me getting pregnant with their kids.

Now their kids are getting a little older. Now I have to get through Round Two: everybody around me getting pregnant with their SECOND kid.

Let me describe to you how frustrating and heartbreaking this is. Oh wait, I can't even begin.

The Hawk

It’s funny how something innocuous, or completely unrelated can spark an important realization about your life. For me, that something was a dead hawk.

I woke up this morning, walked out to the screen porch to let the dog outside and noticed something lying on the patio. A hawk. A very large hawk laying on his back with his lifeless wings wrapped beautifully around him. I didn’t see any obvious injuries – no blood, no cuts, it was almost like someone had laid him gently there. I spent a couple hours wondering if I should call wildlife control, or the game warden – are they interested in testing this thing for West Nile or Bird Flu? I had no idea, I’ve never had a bird – much less a raptor -- drop dead in my backyard. I called my vet (for lack of options) to get their opinion, but the response I got was: “Well, animals die all the time.” Yes they do, we all do…but large bits of wildlife don’t just fall out of the sky and land on your patio every day. And hawks in my backyard certainly aren’t a normal occurrence.

I decided the cats couldn’t have been the culprits, the bird was close to twice their size. Besides, they can’t even be encouraged to go after the stupid crickets that invade our house on occasion. The dog was definitely not the guilty party either. When she came outside with me to inspect the bird, she was terrified of it.

I finally decided to take a look at our bedroom window which overlooks the patio. The blinds stay closed, so I really didn’t think he would’ve run into it. It seems like it would be a white barrier just like the siding on that portion of the house. But when I pulled up the blind I discovered a perfect outline of his face and feathers on my window pane. I'm glad the window is still intact. I can’t imagine how loud that was…it must’ve happened last night while we were downstairs watching TV. Poor thing. At least it was quick.

I couldn’t help but look up online to see what kind of myths / interpretations came out of finding a dead hawk. According to Native American legend:

“To see a dead hawk, signifies that your enemies will be vanquished.”

Well, if that’s the case, consider my enemies squashed. My only thought was: what enemies? Most people at this point in my life fall into one of three categories: People I know and love, People whose company I don’t enjoy and therefore never see, and Strangers. I wouldn’t throw anybody into an “enemy” category. But then, not all enemies are people…

The Fertility Bitch. Now there’s an enemy. We’ve been at battle for over 4 years. She’s beaten the hell out of me at times. I’ve beaten Her back with my all – sometimes My All was a raging fury, sometimes My All was nothing but tears.

It’s been April since our latest attempt at taking Her down. We needed a rest from the warzone. Instead, we found ourselves battling each other. Unsure of how to let go of the fight - feeling like taking a break was the same thing as giving up -- feeling guilty for resting in the midst of the battle.

But now we find ourselves in a better place – healed in our marriage, in our emotions and in my body. Ready to fight the fight, but in our own time. We can go for days now and not even mention Her. But we can spend an entire afternoon talking about Her too and feel close to each other in doing it. We’ve found our own little peace in the chaos.

I actually said to J the other day: I’m not thankful for the fact that we’re childless, but I am thankful for the journey that we’ve been on. The struggle we’ve been through has been the best thing that’s ever happened to us. It’s brought us closer together and made our marriage stronger. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I buried Mr. Hawk in the side yard right next to Mr. Squirrel. I marked his grave with a stepping stone, burned some incense for him, and thanked him for his gift.