The After...

Turns out I'm not handling all this as well as I thought. I woke up last Friday and thought - you know what...we'll just move on, we'll try it again, I need to focus on that. In fact Friday night, I had a friend's 30th birthday that we went to - had a great time. Woke up Saturday (hungover as hell) came downstairs, made myself a pot of coffee (regular...aaahhhh), reached for the door to the fridge to get the milk out. And what is hanging on the fridge? My little baby embryo pictures. And the ultrasound pics of them in me. Started crying..felt guilty as hell for having fun a whole 24 hours after the bad news. God I suck. Spent the whole day on the couch a total wreck. Then had another 30th birthday party to go to that night. DH literally dragged me. This is the guy who's wife's now very pregnant. I didn't last very long at the party...J got a ride with someone else so I could go home. Got in bed as soon as I walked in the door.

Spent all day Sunday at my cousin's house with their 3 small children. At first being around the kids was actually making me feel better. Then I had 2 hot flashes (still getting side effects to the drugs), which left me pretty much spent. J drove us home...for whatever reason I started bawling in the car. Got home, cried some more.

I have had a horrible headache for the last few days. So I got online - apparently there are "after effects" of the drugs I was on. Some of the websites I've seen say they can last for MONTHS. I've been on my period for a week now with the heaviest bleeding I've ever had, and it shows no signs of slowing down. Apparently that's due to all the progesterone (since it thickens the lining...horrible periods after you go off it...or at least that MUCH of it).

The tops of both my hands are STILL bruised from bloodwork and IV's. In fact I can literally feel down the entire side of my right arm all the way to my elbow where the drug dripped in the IV (3 weeks ago). I had a small allergic reaction to the sedatives which I swear to god felt like someone was pouring gasoline into my vein. On a good note - the bruises on my tummy have finally disappeared. It's been over 3 weeks since my last injection (in my stomach at least)...that should give you some idea of how "beaten" I was looking.

Not sure if it's residual drugs, extended period, after reaction of the "big fat negative"...but I'm an emotional mop right now. I've bitten J's head off at least 17 times. Today. And he's at work. I don't feel like getting off the couch and yet I'm restless.

And I have embryo pictures and an ultrasound picture and 2 baby outfits (how could I be that stupid?) that I need to get out of my sight. I don't get why this is so damn hard for some people. It's just getting pregnant - everybody in high school did it! This is one of those moments where I'd like to kick Karma's ass. Ok, that's probably not going to earn me any brownie points...but I really think I'd feel better.

So that's the sob story. I'm sure I'll get it together. I just found out that there is a holistic healing center near my house. They do massages, acupuncture, herbal remedies. I'm going to check it out. Maybe if I can get myself relaxed enough for Round #2, it will work. I read somewhere that acupuncture can help with embryo attachment....maybe I'll try that. Though I need a break from needles before I make THAT appointment.

I'm definitely going to talk to my nurse at the fertility clinic about putting together a support group for this next round. I had talked about doing it last time, but my brain was too busy with whta was about to happen that it never went anywhere. At least this time I kind what to expect. I know there's doc/patient confidentiality...but I'm sure the nurse can give people my number if I ask. We'll see. I just think it's so much easier if you've got peeps in the same situation.

Alright...I need to get off the couch and at the very least - SHOWER. It's going on 4pm.