Down to the wire....

Well, it’s down to the wire. I’m a mere 4 days away from the start of injections. I’m not ready. I’m not excited. I’m not going into this with a good attitude. I feel numb and at the same time angry. And tired just thinking about the process. Knowing how much of my mental and physical capacities this will suck out of me for the next 6 weeks…it’s a lot for me to handle. I work with a few women who have been through IVF and they look at me like I have 3 heads when I talk about how hard it is. Of course all 3 of them got pregnant the first round. I think there’s something about having your spirit broken by a negative pregnancy test to really smash every ounce of enthusiasm you have for Round 2. Or maybe it's just a positive pregnancy test that makes you forget all the trauma it took you to get there (here's hoping).

I was in DC the other day for work. I spent the night with a friend of mine – we went out to dinner Wednesday night. We talked about me going through IVF for a while (good mental therapy). Then she asked if I was pro-choice. Surprisingly, even after all this - I am pro-choice. Only because I can’t stand the idea of the government telling a woman what she can and can’t do with her body. And also because I realize that some people don’t believe a fetus / embryo is “alive” (for the record: I am not one of those people).

Of course that being said: I think people who get abortions are stupid, selfish people. Whatever the reason, it’s not the baby’s fault. It’s killing a life because it’s inconvenient. The only exception I’ll add to that is if the mother’s life is in serious danger.

This whole process goes against so many parts of me: throwing chemicals into my body left and right, needles, doctors visits (2 major fears), creating little bits of life only to have some, or all of them tossed out. It’s a real moral issue for me. And yet, I’m doing it anyway. I think about it a lot. I’m still unable to put it into words. My dad says my intention is to “create” life. But still – how many am I killing to achieve that?

Am I any better than women who have abortions? I’ll admit flat out, I look down on anybody who’s done it (all the while maintaining the RIGHT to do it…a true liberal, my grandfather would say). An abortion usually kills one baby. I’ve already discarded 4 from a Petri dish and my own body betrayed me and finished off the other 2.

And now I’m days away from injecting some new drug into my body that’s supposed to make my body create even MORE eggs than last time. It’s a sick, disgusting way to start a family. And yet I can’t put into words how I can still possibly be doing this again. But I am.

Injections start Tuesday. My husband sent me an email earlier that said “only 4 more days until the baby-making begins.” He’s excited….....