Every Symptom Means Nothing

Progesterone: May cause breast tenderness, headaches, mild uterine cramping, dizziness, faintness, fatigue, frequent urge to urinate.

Sound at all familiar? They are also very early symptoms of pregnancy. I of course have all of them. I oscillate between thinking: “Oh my god I’m pregnant,” to: “These are all side effects, I can’t be pregnant.”

The Two Week Wait. I’d rather have a spoon in my eye.

Sigh.

Oh to be normal. Oh to be one of those lucky people who get a negative pregnancy test and don’t have to think: Oh my god I just blew through $12 grand (for the second time) for nothing, put my body through hell (for the second time) for nothing, ended up horribly sick (for the first time) – for nothing.

Oh to be one of those lucky to people who get a negative pregnancy test and think: Hmmm, we need to have more sex. While I sit here recovering from IVF, not even allowed to have sex.

I don't know...maybe being NOT normal is just our thing. Part of our charm. What makes us tick.

Jeffrey and I have decided to have the “what next” conversation this weekend. I feel like I need a plan in case the test is negative next week. I need to know that if it’s negative, we have a direction to point our brains in, to direct our energy towards instead of letting that energy devour us (again). I need to be prepared. I don’t want to be negative…but I need to be realistic. I don’t want to fall off the edge like I did last time. I don’t want us to go our own separate directions like last time. We grieved in very different ways – two strangers living in the same house for months. I can't handle that again. We need to figure out how to be there for each other this time. We need to find some kind of understanding in the middle.

“What next.” Two very scary words. Will we do IVF? Do we even qualify for other treatments? After this last cycle, do we have egg issues? Can we do egg donation? Artificial insemination? Embryo adoption? Are we ready to give up on IVF? Are we ready to give up on ever having biological children together?

I need to be ready for the worst. We need to be ready for the worst and hope for the best.