Flushing All Morals Down the Toilet

They say that once you experience infertility you end up a changed person - no matter the outcome. It's something that makes you take stock of the important things in life. Makes you realize that that new car you've been eyeing isn't really what you want, but a way to fill a void. It either makes you or breaks you as a couple. It brings out your faults and it brings out your strengths.

And today it's forcing us into a decision we swore we wouldn't make when we started this. We've decided to risk Selective Reduction.

Let's just call it what it is: Selective Reduction is a nice way of saying selective abortion.

The doctor's office called this morning to tell us our implantation will be tomorrow. We are expected to have 3 8-cell embryos by tomorrow morning. I know I should be grateful, and don't get me wrong, I am. I am so grateful that after coming all this way our cycle isn't being cancelled for lack of embryos. But three puts us in the position to make a decision we had hoped to not face. If we had had 4 8-cell embryos, we would've implanted on Saturday and waited to see if we got blastocysts...picked the strongest 2 and used them. If we had 2 8-cell embryos, we would implant tomorrow and hope for twins. Instead...we're in the middle....we're stuck with the choice of implanting two and possibly throwing away the only good one and getting a negative preg test. Or implanting all three and getting triplets.

My doc has already said he will not let me carry triplets. I'm just too small to handle it. So should all three take - we have to abort one. We'd have to abort a baby that we've worked so hard to create...and we'd have to do it after seeing a heartbeat on the ultrasound. It also means that I'll spend the next two weeks waiting for the pregnancy test hoping that one of our embryos doesn't make it. I feel like putting us in this position already qualifies me for Shitty Mother of the Year award. Or maybe even Shitty Human of my Generation.

I can feel Murphy's Law kicking in...last time we took the high road - implanted 2, got none. This time we'll dance with the devil - implant three, we'll GET three, we'll have to make the abortion appointment. And knowing our luck, I'll be so traumatized by it I'll lose the other two. In fact, it feels like the perfect punishment for making a decision that's so greedy and careless and desperate.

And how is the decision made to pick which life will be snuffed out? Do I say - "Leave me a boy and girl" "Pick the closest one" "I don't care - you choose"? If we have to make that decision I'll carry it with me for the rest of my life.

Then again if we don't risk this...do we risk NOT bringing life into the world - discarding an embryo that could've become a sulf-sustaining person? Isn't that the same thing? Life is life, right? I mean we already threw away 4 embryos last cycle. Just because there's a heartbeat on the ultrasound doesn't make it anymore alive than cells in a petri dish.

Implantation is at 6:30am tomorrow. At 6:30am tomorrow morning I'll make a decision that will forever change my basic principles.

But as they say - nobody comes out of this the same as when they went in.