Feel free to psychoanalyze - I give up.

I'm screwed up. That's all there is to it. There's something about dealing with infertility that makes you permanently insane. And it comes from out of the blue sometimes. For instance, tonight. The Blue came out of a very cheap bottle of Bella Sera Pinot Grigio. Mixed with an emotionally lethal dose of spending time with our good friends and their new baby.

Their kid is 4 months old. Why I am still struggling to hold it together whenever we see them is beyond me. I've got a zillion friends with kids (hey, we can't - THEY can) - I hold no ill will towards any of them. It's this ONE couple. I don't know why, but I absolutely can NOT stay 1: Sober, or 2: Rational, or 3: You know...tearless after we leave their house. I don't know why.

The only thing I CAN pinpoint is that after our very first failed cycle (seconds before she gave birth), they were at our house and I still hadn't taken down the ultrasound picture on the fridge of what would've been our two babies. She asked what it was, I told her - she just shrugged her shoulders and looked away. She couldn't have been more uncomfortable - in fact she almost seemed embarassed that I was talking about it. These are supposed to be close friends and that was her reaction. J asks me: "what do you expect?" I guess from CLOSE friends I expect acknowledgement. I don't expect a parade in my honor for god's sake, but from a CLOSE friend - YES...I expect acknowledgement. I expect someone close to me to acknowledge my loss. I don't need to have a ten-hour conversation about it, but a hug, touch of a hand, an "I'm sorry" or an "I don't know what to say"...something. I got nothing. So now I have to pretend to be "close" friends with people who I couldn't feel LESS close to.

Yes...screwed up. Yes, apparently I expect the world to revolve around me. Yes, yes, yes - I am a selfish, self-centered pain in the ass...apparently people should get used to that.

I read somewhere - maybe from a fellow blogger, I can't remember - about how infertility will weed out your good friends from your not-so-good friends. Is that what this is? Is my insanity or selfishness cutting out the dead limbs here? Am I unconsciously getting rid of the people that I don't need near me during this ultra-sensitive time? I don't know. Am I truly this person?

I've done nothing but avoid these people for going on a year now. I mean I've thrown out some seriously lame excuses. I can't help it. I'm around them, I end up with a bottle of wine in my hand and a box of tissues - oh and on here doing therapy blogging.

Thank god for Blogger. And Bella Sera. And Kleenex.
I wonder if I'll ever be normal again.