Blah...

I'm feeling so down today.

I'm completely losing my mind about starting a new IVF round. Part of me wishes we would've skipped this cycle and signed up for the next one. But I know if we'd done that - there's no way I'd be able to talk myself into doing this again. I feel so depressed - and not in control of a damn thing.

To top it off – my period is 9 days late now. I broke down and took a pregnancy test last night. It wasn't JUST negative - it was laugh-in-my-face negative. You've never seen a line THAT bright, light up THAT fast.

J and I are not getting along. Actually, it's more, I'M not getting along with him. He's calm and laid back about it and treats me like a child having a tantrum every time I try to talk about how I'm feeling. Yes, I am overreacting - no doubt about it. But I'm terrified and angry and bitter and he has this "it'll all work out" attitude which is just pissing me the hell off. Yep, I know it'll be alright. Physically I will survive this just like I did the last time. Mentally all I can think about is...for the next 6 weeks I will be completely dependent on other people to inject me every day at the same time - daily trips to the lab for blood work and ultrasounds which i will have to plan my whole day around. The list is long...but it's all about things I have to do. I've got to shuffle my work around so I can take afternoons off - I've got to plan work around the fact that I know the first drug makes me so tired I have a hard time staying awake for an entire work-day. I've got to plan around the fact that the second drug makes me dizzy - so I can't drive for the 2 weeks I'm on it. Etc...etc...etc. oh - and of course the inevitable mental breakdown...the physical pain...again - etc.

This weekend is J’s birthday party and it didn’t even occur to me until 10 minutes ago that I need to get a cake. It just seems like the smallest tasks the last few days have become cause for full-blown anxiety attacks. I feel so overwhelmed by the most mundane things. We've got friends coming in tonight to stay the weekend. The thought of having to entertain for 2 whole days makes my head explode. Of course who knows - it might turn out to be a good distraction.

Flipping through old posts, I realize I had the EXACT same emotional meltdown a few weeks before we started injections last time. Oh god, is this my new normal? I'm sure my perpetual PMS from the last 2 weeks is probably just fueling the fire.

Alright - going to try to pick myself up and get some work done. I'd do anything to go back to bed right now.