Blah...(part duex)

Ok, so to add to my last insane rant (I swear to god I used to be a delightful person):

I spent a good part of my day today just scrolling around on blogs / threads / research papers...etc...trying to convince myself that my level of freaking out about starting IVF is normal. Turns out it is...of course all that proves is I'm not alone among online strangers. Not really all that helpful. So as I go through the day, I'm starting to feel a little better. Went to the grocery store during lunch (to finally order a damn cake) – had a conversation with this 85-year-old man who was bagging my groceries...my god, he was fantastic. I actually walked out of the grocery store with a smile on my face feeling 20 pounds lighter. It was like a glimpse into feeling “normal” again.

I get home - my phone line seems to not be working for whatever reason (it cut me off this morning 20 minutes into being on hold with my insurance company...then I spent another 30 minutes trying to get somebody the second time....besides the point...). So apparently my doctor's office has been trying to get in touch with me all day - they finally call my cell - to tell me:

"We're pushing everybody's cycle back a month so we can move to a new office."

Are you f-ing kidding me?? Had my period been on time...I would have been on pills for almost 2 weeks and be starting injections on Wednesday. And they're just now telling me this? What?

I'm pissed that they were so unorganized. I'm pissed that I now get to waste another month doing nothing. I'm pissed because I know I'm going to freak out in a month from now when injections are about to start (again). I'm relieved that my body gets another month of rest. I'm relieved that it's getting put off for a few more weeks. I'm horribly sad that it's being put off for a few more weeks.

And then to add to it all, we have friends in the hospital that just had a baby. And of course we’ll have to make that conciliatory visit to ooh-and-ahh over her. I'm just not up for it. I really don't know if I'll be able to hold it together. And I have to do it knowing that we’re wasting one more month doing nothing. And I'm totally dreading the fact that J and I will just continue to relieve the last 2 months of emotional crap while we wait in limbo.

I'm so tired. Is there such thing as going on an emotional vacation? I would really, really like to shut down and go back to the days when I was like six. Man, that was a good year....no responsibilities, no worries...just drinking kool-aid, running through the sprinkler and riding my Big-Wheel....good times.

I'm feeling so screwed up right now. I'm emotional (why the HELL won't my period just start for god's sakes so I can start to feel normal again?!?!)...I'm stressed...I'm angry...I'm sad.