IVF: The 25 step program

Things are starting “down there”. My feet hit the ground this morning and I was instantly was hit with a heavy sensation in my abdomen. Yep, the ‘ole ovaries are crankin’ up. The eggs are squabbling over who will be the first Paxton-Tucker.

I admit, my first reaction was: uh oh….action after only 2 injections could put me on the path to hyperstimlation. I’m not really scared about hyper-stim, but I’ll keep it in the back of my brain for safety’s sake. On a more upbeat note, all this means that my body IS reacting more strongly to these drugs, which was the whole point of trying new drugs this time. Last IVF it was day 4 or 5 before I had the heavy feeling…and I didn’t have as many eggs as we would’ve liked. So…this is a good positive thing…it means more mature eggs…which means a MUCH higher chance that this works. Which means there’s a much higher chance I didn’t have to do this again. And, as I am still not at that magical IVF point where I start thinking “hey, this was all for a baby!”…it does put me one step closer. My brain is now thinking “oh my god, life without daily injections in the stomach…sweet”! Which brings me to another list (because for some reason I’ve been making a lot of them lately).

Here is it…IVF spelled out in all it’s gory beauty…


The 25 steps:

[Fertility testing]
1. Denial: IVF? ME? No way…I don’t need IVF…
[Post-testing, trying naturally to prove the doctors wrong…then realizing they’re not]
2. Starting to Believe: Seriously? That’s my only option?
[Giving in, making that first fertility consultation]
3. Anger: Are you fucking kidding me…exactly HOW does this work?
[Ordering drugs, writing checks and getting ready for the first injection]
4. Trepidation: What have I gotten myself in to? This is gonna hurt like hell.
[Immediately after the first shot]
5. Acceptance: Hey, that wasn’t so bad.
[Two weeks into it, getting ready to start scary-stim drugs]
6. Anxiety: Oh shit, shit, shit, this is gonna hurt like hell.
[Immediately after the first stim shot]
7. Anger: Oh my GOD, that hurt like hell!
[An hour later after the first stim-shot has stopped burning]
8. Acceptance: Ok, I have to do that again every night…what are you gonna do…
[3-5 Days later, pumped full of crazy-makin hormones]
9. Mentally Deranged: Fuck everybody. I love you. No I don’t – fuck everybody.
[Pre-Egg Harvesting, which the doc warned was the most painful part]
10. Serious Enthusiasm: Do it NOW…get me off these fucking meds! NOW!!!!!
[One last HUGE intramuscular shot before the harvesting]
11. Sheer Terror: Oh my GOD, that will kill me!
[Immediately after huge IM shot]
12. Embarrassment: Made huge crying scene prior to injection, only to realize it didn’t hurt one bit.
[Wake up next morning with seriously sore ass from last night’s IM]
13. Justification: I KNEW that was going to hurt…um, eventually.
[Moments before the IV has set in for the egg harvesting]
14. Panic: I’ve changed my mind, let me go home.
[As the IV drip starts and you realize it’s about 4 weeks too late for that]
15. Acceptance: Beautiful, purple elephants daaaanccccinnnnng….
[Sedation wears off, you wake up]
16. Utter Confusion: Why does my uterus feel like it fell out?
[Evil nurse makes you stand up as soon as she sees your eyes open]
17. Anger: Just let me die here you bitch, really, it’s a beautiful view of the…wherever this is…
[Recovery from egg harvesting]
18. Dependence: Bring more Tylenol. Don’t make me laugh or my uterus really will fall out.
[Day 2 of recovery]
19. Annoyance: Why the hell can I still not stand up straight?
[Day 3 of Recovery and Embryo Implantation]
20. Excitement: Oh my god, I’m going to be pregnant in a few hours.
[15 Minutes into Implantation that’s only supposed to take 5 minutes]
21. Anger: I thought you said this wasn’t going to hurt! What are you doing to me?
[80 minutes into Implantation that’s only supposed to take 5 minutes]
22. Pleading for Death: Please, a gun would be so much quicker. Somebody bring the doctor a gun!
[90 minutes into 5-minute implantation]
23. Karmic Realization: I must’ve been Hitler in a past life…
[Immediately after implantation – ultrasound of embryos in uterus]
24. Complete and Utter Happiness: Oh my god, there they are, our babies. This was so worth it.
[Seconds after Complete and Utter Happiness]
25. Stupidity: This wasn't so bad. If this doesn't work, we're totally doing it again.