Let's go over a few rules of safety....

I know I’ve said it a zillion times (while stomping my feet and holding my breath), that IVF is unfair. But what I’ve left out are the things that BECOME unfair while you’re doing IVF. For example: People should not be allowed to cut in front of you in the grocery check out line. I should be allowed to drive however the hell I want right now and not get pulled over for a ticket. Stubbing a toe should be illegal (come on….I’m getting daily injections….I don’t need something that stupid to bring me to tears).

I’ve decided that I need to invent some type of mechanism that will miraculously alert all those around me to the following facts:

1. I am royally cracked out on hormones.

2. Please for god’s sakes…do NOT email me pictures of your newborn. Do not give me daily updates on diaper changes. In fact…while I’m making up rules here…no one is allowed to announce they’re pregnant until I’m OFF the drugs and I can at least pretend this is great news. I’m sick to death of all you people. And while I’m cracked out on hormones, let me just add that no, I’m not happy for you. Not even deep frickin’ down. I’m jealous and I hope your kid has a big nose. There. I said it. Stop sucking up all the fertile-ness out of the universe, you greedy bastards, and leave me some.

3. Do NOT under ANY circumstances try to analyze my life and tell me god, or karma or the universe – or whoever – has a plan. That’s the same thing as saying that the horrific things I’m doing to my body right now are pointless. Please refer to Rule #1. I am not afraid of going to jail right now.

4. I should be exempt from going to jail right now. Refer to Rule #1.

5. If you EVER say – “what’s the big deal, they’re just injections,” I will do things to you that will make the most seasoned of police shake their head and say “I’ve never seen anything like it.” And they will mean it. Refer to Rule #1.

6. If you call me and you ramble on about your life for hours and then seem bored when I mention IVF: Refer to #5 and then #1. Yes, the world CAN revolve around me for a few weeks. If that’s too much for you to handle, call me when this crap is over. I will not apologize that this is the only topic of conversation I can offer right now..

7. Do NOT attempt to share in my experience by telling me it took you approximately 5 seconds to conceive your child. If I hear one more person say “you never know, this might just happen naturally…” I will murder you and your frickin’ big-nosed kids. Refer to #1 and #2.

8. I have no sympathy for you right now and the life-altering stress you’re going through picking out a pair of goddamn flip-flops to match your bathing suit. I’ve got other things on my mind…don’t bother me with trivial shit. I can barely handle ACTUAL life-altering stress.

9. No, I do not want a subscription to Reader’s Digest, nor do I want another credit card – stop calling me. I’m waiting on the clinic to call – and you’re giving me a heart attack by making my phone ring. Listen up Direct Mailers, this goes for you too…you’re clogging up my fucking garbage can and I’m sick of it.

10. I don’t give a shit that you need to turn right at the light – you’re the asshole that got in the left turning lane. Make a fucking U-turn…this is not my fault. I will not get out of your way.

11. Attention all white-trash Wal-Mart shoppers: Stop bitching about your kids ruining your life. If you didn’t want kids, there’s this new invention out there. It’s called Birth Control. If you’re too damn dumb to swallow a pill, then turn your child over to Social Services. Oh…and you suck.

12. For all you jackasses out there disguised as sweet elderly people: STOP asking me when we’re going to have kids. Just stop it. I DON’T KNOW! But if you’d like to look over my basal thermometer calendar, my IVF injectible schedule, my HSG test, my husband’s sperm test, my latest pap smear and my blood work, I’m more than happy to hand that over. In fact…why not.

13. IVF and work is too much for my little brain. So here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re going to keep paying me ‘cause IVF ain’t free and your fucking insurance doesn’t cover it. In return, I will slack off as much as I need to until this is over. When I’ve recovered from the drugs, hormones, procedures and the either positive or negative pregnancy test…THEN I’ll get my act together.

14. For all other questions and inquiries, please consider Rule #1 before talking to me.