Is it just me, or does the world suck today?

I’m hanging by a thread today. A very thin one. I’m still trying to brush myself off from yesterday’s doctor appointment disaster. It’s not working. I’m angry. I’m more frustrated than I’ve ever been. I’m baffled. I’m tired. I’m restless. I feel defeated.

In a nutshell, we can proceed with IVF (this time with GIFT)…and we may or may not be doing it for absolutely nothing. OR…we can try IUI with J's guys – spend about $3k with a 10% (or less) chance of success. Doesn't seem worth the trouble. And besides, I've read where you only qualify for IUI if the sperm count is at least 1 million. The very best test he had said he's only got 200,000 working guys. For the first test, it was closer to 2,000. Now how the hell does that qualify us for IUI? Again...not worth the trouble. Or the money. Or me induring 3+ fucking weeks of injections. I don't think even our doctor knows what the hell he's talking about.

I wish I had asked more questions yesterday. But I just felt like somebody had knocked me upside the head. I was expecting him to give us a plan for our next IVF attempt. I wasn't expecting him to blow us off and ship us to another doctor. For most of the appointment I sat there with my mouth hanging open not sure what to say. Or if I was going to cry. Or if I was going to throw myself across the doctor’s desk and start strangling him. Man, it was tempting. But instead I just sat there dumbfounded, listening to that stupid little man tell us that even donor sperm wouldn’t raise our chances – but with no reason WHY. Maybe I misunderstood him. I was a bit shell-shocked. It's male factor - how could donor sperm NOT work? I really don't get what the hell he was talking about.

The doctor gave us no reason whatsoever for the latest failure. He seems to think that because some eggs were fertilized, that J's guys are ok. But he didn't come out and say my eggs AREN'T ok. So where the hell is problem? I mean if it's male infertility, can't they run a goddamn test to see if his dudes are any good (that's a rhetorical question - no, technology isn't that advanced)? So what - they can fertilize. BFD. Embryos aren't much good unless they continue to grow.

J’s approach to all this is to strut around like a rooster in a hen house “Look at me, my shit works.” I get it. I really do. Could there be anymore of a blow to a man’s ego than to find out he’s "sterile"? Unless you were one married to and pissed off one Lorena Bobbit…nothing compares. So in his defense, I get it. It’s like the doc giving him a gold star for the day. He’s suddenly gained a bit of his manly-ness back.

However, as a diagnosis…it puts us 10 steps back. J’s more interested in being told his body is working, than he is in the actual solution to our damn problem. So now I am irritated to all hell at the one person I should be finding comfort in.

But all that aside - I don’t even believe what the doctor says is true. How does it make sense that in dealing with MALE INFERTILITY if we go with a sperm donor, it DOESN’T raise our chances of pregnancy? How the shit does that make sense?

How is it that every time we do IVF, we get shit loads of eggs. And those shit-loads of eggs will not fertilize properly with J’s little men? Ok...we don't get shit-loads of eggs. But we get around average...and not even half fertilize?

I get that it COULD be an egg problem – hell, maybe my eggs won’t fertilize with ANY guy’s dudes. But why does the doctor automatically assume that it’s NOT a sperm problem? Why is it no matter what the fertility issue is – it’s assumed to be on my end of things? Every single one of my tests came back fine. And yet he continues to use me as a fucking guinea pig. And then gives us options that continue to beat up my body? I'm so fucking sick to death of being on the receiving end of every goddamn needle that fucking man can conjure up.

Ugh.

I guess I was almost hoping the doc would say: You should try donor sperm. I guess I was hoping that if he recommended an easier less invasive, less expensive route, then J would agree to it and we’d try it. Instead he gave us the options of IVF with GIFT -- even more invasive, even more expensive. Or IUI - a complete fucking waste of time.

I’m running out of steam for this fight, guys. I swear to god. Yesterday before this stupid appointment we still had a plan: one more IVF....if that didn't work - artificial. But that was before we watched out doctor grasping at straws telling us that our last cycle was perfect – it should’ve worked -- I don’t know why it didn’t -- I don’t know if it will work if you try it again - donor sperm won't work any better -- maybe you should find another doctor.

That doesn’t exactly give me the motivation to go hacking away at my body again for nothing. So now where do we go? What do we do? I'm so, SO fucking tired of this shit.