Wow, lucky you...

Two blog postings in one day. I know. You're excited.

I have broken down and cried at least six times today. I have bitten my husband's head off at least twice. I have googled "IUI", "failed IVF", "artificial insemination" and I even got desperate and typed in the ultimate: "adoption." By the way - don't google "open adoption"...you'll want to kill yourself.

I'm afraid I find myself in the downward spiral of post-failed-IVF-depression - over a month AFTER the failed IVF. Or maybe it's more: post-failed-IVF-the-doctor-gave-up-on-us depression. Either way - it's a bad place. This isn't my first visit.

I knew this post-IVF-recovery was a fragile thing. I just didn't think my own doctor would be the one that gave me that final shove off the edge of the cliff. I've been walking around for the last month in a pretty damn good state of mind. I was amazed with myself, actually. See, I had a plan. We were going to take time off. Recover. Drink a lot of wine this summer. Pick up in the fall - do one more IVF that was absolutely going to work - without a doubt. Well, now there's doubt. Major doubt. Doubt from the doctor with his big stupid medical degree hanging on the wall. And not JUST doubt. So much doubt that he wants to shove us off on some other jackass with a big medical degree hanging on his/her wall so we don't continue to bring his stats down.

Oh my god, we're ruining success rates - the horror!

Actually, the real horror of it all, is that I can already feel the dividing line growing deeper between J and I. He is incapable of joining me in post-IVF depression - or doctor-desertion-depression. Whatever. In such a small frame of time, I find myself unable to talk to him about all this. I'm angry and scared. He's...I don't know what he is. But he's not angry or scared and if he is - he doesn't wear it on his sleeve like I do. He's calm and collected. I am hurricane fury.

He calls me from work and says "what's wrong?" And the fact is, if he has to ask that question, then I can't very well explain it to him. But I try anyway "it's all this fertility crap." To which he responds: "Try not to think about it." Then I log on to my blog and let it all out here.

Oh. Did I mention that my period is over a week late? It's exactly what happened after the last IVF. It is of course fucking with my head. But I will not take a pregnancy test. I just won't. I swear I won't. I might not....