Round two has begun.
So I got through (read: bitched and cried through) everybody around me getting pregnant with their kids.
Now their kids are getting a little older. Now I have to get through Round Two: everybody around me getting pregnant with their SECOND kid.
Let me describe to you how frustrating and heartbreaking this is. Oh wait, I can't even begin.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
The Hawk
It’s funny how something innocuous, or completely unrelated can spark an important realization about your life. For me, that something was a dead hawk.
I woke up this morning, walked out to the screen porch to let the dog outside and noticed something lying on the patio. A hawk. A very large hawk laying on his back with his lifeless wings wrapped beautifully around him. I didn’t see any obvious injuries – no blood, no cuts, it was almost like someone had laid him gently there. I spent a couple hours wondering if I should call wildlife control, or the game warden – are they interested in testing this thing for West Nile or Bird Flu? I had no idea, I’ve never had a bird – much less a raptor -- drop dead in my backyard. I called my vet (for lack of options) to get their opinion, but the response I got was: “Well, animals die all the time.” Yes they do, we all do…but large bits of wildlife don’t just fall out of the sky and land on your patio every day. And hawks in my backyard certainly aren’t a normal occurrence.
I decided the cats couldn’t have been the culprits, the bird was close to twice their size. Besides, they can’t even be encouraged to go after the stupid crickets that invade our house on occasion. The dog was definitely not the guilty party either. When she came outside with me to inspect the bird, she was terrified of it.
I finally decided to take a look at our bedroom window which overlooks the patio. The blinds stay closed, so I really didn’t think he would’ve run into it. It seems like it would be a white barrier just like the siding on that portion of the house. But when I pulled up the blind I discovered a perfect outline of his face and feathers on my window pane. I'm glad the window is still intact. I can’t imagine how loud that was…it must’ve happened last night while we were downstairs watching TV. Poor thing. At least it was quick.
I couldn’t help but look up online to see what kind of myths / interpretations came out of finding a dead hawk. According to Native American legend:
“To see a dead hawk, signifies that your enemies will be vanquished.”
Well, if that’s the case, consider my enemies squashed. My only thought was: what enemies? Most people at this point in my life fall into one of three categories: People I know and love, People whose company I don’t enjoy and therefore never see, and Strangers. I wouldn’t throw anybody into an “enemy” category. But then, not all enemies are people…
The Fertility Bitch. Now there’s an enemy. We’ve been at battle for over 4 years. She’s beaten the hell out of me at times. I’ve beaten Her back with my all – sometimes My All was a raging fury, sometimes My All was nothing but tears.
It’s been April since our latest attempt at taking Her down. We needed a rest from the warzone. Instead, we found ourselves battling each other. Unsure of how to let go of the fight - feeling like taking a break was the same thing as giving up -- feeling guilty for resting in the midst of the battle.
But now we find ourselves in a better place – healed in our marriage, in our emotions and in my body. Ready to fight the fight, but in our own time. We can go for days now and not even mention Her. But we can spend an entire afternoon talking about Her too and feel close to each other in doing it. We’ve found our own little peace in the chaos.
I actually said to J the other day: I’m not thankful for the fact that we’re childless, but I am thankful for the journey that we’ve been on. The struggle we’ve been through has been the best thing that’s ever happened to us. It’s brought us closer together and made our marriage stronger. I wouldn’t change that for the world.
I buried Mr. Hawk in the side yard right next to Mr. Squirrel. I marked his grave with a stepping stone, burned some incense for him, and thanked him for his gift.
I woke up this morning, walked out to the screen porch to let the dog outside and noticed something lying on the patio. A hawk. A very large hawk laying on his back with his lifeless wings wrapped beautifully around him. I didn’t see any obvious injuries – no blood, no cuts, it was almost like someone had laid him gently there. I spent a couple hours wondering if I should call wildlife control, or the game warden – are they interested in testing this thing for West Nile or Bird Flu? I had no idea, I’ve never had a bird – much less a raptor -- drop dead in my backyard. I called my vet (for lack of options) to get their opinion, but the response I got was: “Well, animals die all the time.” Yes they do, we all do…but large bits of wildlife don’t just fall out of the sky and land on your patio every day. And hawks in my backyard certainly aren’t a normal occurrence.
I decided the cats couldn’t have been the culprits, the bird was close to twice their size. Besides, they can’t even be encouraged to go after the stupid crickets that invade our house on occasion. The dog was definitely not the guilty party either. When she came outside with me to inspect the bird, she was terrified of it.
I finally decided to take a look at our bedroom window which overlooks the patio. The blinds stay closed, so I really didn’t think he would’ve run into it. It seems like it would be a white barrier just like the siding on that portion of the house. But when I pulled up the blind I discovered a perfect outline of his face and feathers on my window pane. I'm glad the window is still intact. I can’t imagine how loud that was…it must’ve happened last night while we were downstairs watching TV. Poor thing. At least it was quick.
I couldn’t help but look up online to see what kind of myths / interpretations came out of finding a dead hawk. According to Native American legend:
“To see a dead hawk, signifies that your enemies will be vanquished.”
Well, if that’s the case, consider my enemies squashed. My only thought was: what enemies? Most people at this point in my life fall into one of three categories: People I know and love, People whose company I don’t enjoy and therefore never see, and Strangers. I wouldn’t throw anybody into an “enemy” category. But then, not all enemies are people…
The Fertility Bitch. Now there’s an enemy. We’ve been at battle for over 4 years. She’s beaten the hell out of me at times. I’ve beaten Her back with my all – sometimes My All was a raging fury, sometimes My All was nothing but tears.
It’s been April since our latest attempt at taking Her down. We needed a rest from the warzone. Instead, we found ourselves battling each other. Unsure of how to let go of the fight - feeling like taking a break was the same thing as giving up -- feeling guilty for resting in the midst of the battle.
But now we find ourselves in a better place – healed in our marriage, in our emotions and in my body. Ready to fight the fight, but in our own time. We can go for days now and not even mention Her. But we can spend an entire afternoon talking about Her too and feel close to each other in doing it. We’ve found our own little peace in the chaos.
I actually said to J the other day: I’m not thankful for the fact that we’re childless, but I am thankful for the journey that we’ve been on. The struggle we’ve been through has been the best thing that’s ever happened to us. It’s brought us closer together and made our marriage stronger. I wouldn’t change that for the world.
I buried Mr. Hawk in the side yard right next to Mr. Squirrel. I marked his grave with a stepping stone, burned some incense for him, and thanked him for his gift.
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