Ok, seriously it was 5pm before the clinic returned my call. I know they're busy...but I'm the crazy lady on hormones while they've taken my embryos hostage. The suspense has given me a freakin' ulcer.
Implantation is tomorrow at 6am. I only talked to the embryologist for a few minutes...they were very busy...everybody's implanting today/tomorrow. He said they hadn't done a cell count on the embryos today, but they all "looked good" (ugh, what does that mean?). They're going to do the cell count early tomorrow morning. Out of the 6 embryos we have, he said normal would be getting 2-3 that are actually of good quality. So by tomorrow he'd like to see at the very least 2 that are obviously growing faster than the rest. If that's the case, those are the 2 that they implant. If for some reason they are having a hard time finding ones that stand out - they'll cancel my appointment and retry it on Sunday. The Embryologist DID say that they've got a better shot in the uterus than they do in the lab...so the faster they get 'em in, the better chance we have. But they won't do it until they're nice stable embryos.
The doc got an anesthesiologist to come in tomorrow to sedate me. Thank GOD. I'm so glad I don't have to be worried that I'll be too nervous for them to take. I'm my own worst enemy. Sucks because I'll have to get an IV (which will send my nerves into space). The procedure will take about 5 minutes...it's not supposed to be painful at all. So by the time the drugs wear off, I'll be feeling comletely fine. My little embryos will spend their first few hours in the womb totally cracked out. Hey, maybe they'll like it and decide to stay a while. :)
That's all I know. I'm on bedrest for 24 hours after the procedure. I figure I'll be home around 9 or 10 (they make me lay still for a while after it's over). Hopefully I'll still be tired from the drugs...I'll crash on the couch with some movies. I told J to go ahead and plan to go to work...I won't be in pain...just not supposed to get up (unless I have to go to the bathroom). As long as he can set me up with all the remotes, some food and water and the phone...I'll be couch-bound for sure.
I'm excited about tomorrow, but already anxious about the preg test. God, I hope this works.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Late night painting party
Doc is supposed to update me around lunchtime with the cell count. God, I can't wait that long. I don't know if it's paranoia, but I feel like something's not going to be right. Probably a hormone-related mood swing (I hope). And it didn't help that when I walked out of my bedroom this morning, my little hibiscous flower had died. My good omen is gone. I know those things don't last long...but damn, one more day would've made me feel better. I'm kind of freaking out a little bit....all this just seems too good to be true.
I had some major insomnia last night. Woke up at 2:30 in the morning...couldn't fall back to sleep, so just got up. Knew if I didn't do something I'd sit around thinking about all the things that could go wrong...so instead.......I had the brilliant idea to put a second coat of paint on the guest bedroom. haha. Here I am up on a ladder, reaching and stretching for a few hours...picking up paint cans, picking up the ladder (I'm not supposed to be lifting anything right now). Yeah...I overdid it...very sore again. J has no idea...he would've killed me. Fortunately, he's a heavy sleeper and I was back in bed by 6:30. He's a guy, so he'll never notice that the room is now finished. haha.
Ugh...my body's all out of whack (as is my mental state). I just hope everything's ok. I can't stand the thought of coming all this way and the embryos not growing properly. That would be really hard to handle. Of course me sitting here being a nervous wreck...I'm not exactly creating a good environment for them when implantation comes....
I had some major insomnia last night. Woke up at 2:30 in the morning...couldn't fall back to sleep, so just got up. Knew if I didn't do something I'd sit around thinking about all the things that could go wrong...so instead.......I had the brilliant idea to put a second coat of paint on the guest bedroom. haha. Here I am up on a ladder, reaching and stretching for a few hours...picking up paint cans, picking up the ladder (I'm not supposed to be lifting anything right now). Yeah...I overdid it...very sore again. J has no idea...he would've killed me. Fortunately, he's a heavy sleeper and I was back in bed by 6:30. He's a guy, so he'll never notice that the room is now finished. haha.
Ugh...my body's all out of whack (as is my mental state). I just hope everything's ok. I can't stand the thought of coming all this way and the embryos not growing properly. That would be really hard to handle. Of course me sitting here being a nervous wreck...I'm not exactly creating a good environment for them when implantation comes....
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
SIX BABIES!
Doc just called: WE HAVE SIX BABIES IN A PETRI DISH!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO FREAKIN' HAPPY I'M CRYING LIKE AN IDIOT.
They got 10 eggs, and 6 of them have fertilized (I'm told that's pretty normal...but according to the internet, that's really low...hope the doc's not just trying to make me feel better). They're still single-cells, but should be 2 cells by tonight and 4 cells by tomorrow. They're going to update me tomorrow and schedule my implantation.
They got 10 eggs, and 6 of them have fertilized (I'm told that's pretty normal...but according to the internet, that's really low...hope the doc's not just trying to make me feel better). They're still single-cells, but should be 2 cells by tonight and 4 cells by tomorrow. They're going to update me tomorrow and schedule my implantation.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
The Egg Harvesting
forgive me for any typos or tangents, i just took a tylenol PM and i have a lot of drugs still in me.
i apparently had a hard time with the anesthesia...i don't remember it, but they tell me i was fighting the drugs to the death...thrashing around, trying to get off the operating table. i remember getting the IV, then turning to the nurse and saying "I think i need more drugs, i'm not sleepy yet." to which she replied..."It's over honey, we got 10 eggs from you." it's so weird to completely lose time like that. she said they had to give me twice the amount of anesthesia i was supposed to have just to get me calmed down. so instead of spending about 20-30 minutes under anesthesia, it took me about 45+ minutes to wake up. and even then, my legs didn't work for about 30 minutes after that.
i was doing pretty good when i got there nervous-wise. but then they went t give me the IV. she messed with that thing for 5 minutes at least...couldn't get one in (all my damn veins are just collapsing because i've had so much bloodwork done), so she had to redo the whole thing on my other hand. i was crying and shaking by the time it was finally in. it sucked....from there on out it was straight-up nervousness.
i've got to keep this short so i don't pass out mid-post. but yes, 10 eggs (some were left in me because they were either not ready, or they were too hard to get to). they fertilized them this afternoon....how freakin' cool is it that i have babies (albeit in a lab) at this very mment. the doc will call toomrrow to let us know how quickly they're growing. doc said they have to be at the VERY leat 8 cells by friday....if not, that means they didn't work and we're just SOL. if they're 8 cell or just a little more (that would mean they're growing slowly), in that case, they would implant me on friday. he said if they're growing slowly, they have a better chance of survival if they're in me rather than in the lab. but it lowers my success rate overall. if they're growing quickly, they will wait and implant me on sunday (quickly would be 100 or so cells - blastocysts). it's better to wait, because the bigger they are, the better chance of implanting.
doc said we have 2 determining factors right now. One, their growth (which pretty much equals embryo quality). And two, my mental state (anxiety level) for the implantation. he said after my reaction to the procedure today, he's VERY concerned about me being able to be calm and still during the implantation. if i'm nervous, it will cause my uterus to contract and basically "spit out" any embryos he puts in there. for most implants, they give the patient a valium about an hour before. But he said he's considering knocking me out completely because of my low threshold for pain, the fact that my uterus is tilted backwards will make for a longer, more painful implantation and i'm have a good deal of bloating/pain just from the harvesting which will only get worse...so it's going to be more painful than i can probably handle.. if HE is nervous that i cant handle it, that makes ME even more nervous and i'd just assume to be out when they do it. god, how stupid would it be to lose the embryos because i'm nervous. i can't help that i'm nervous....i just get that way in doc offices....i seriously don't think i can control it. i tried to do some meditating this morning and it didn't do a damn thing for me.
procedure was at 4am. we got home around 6.... i was STARVING...so had some chicken noodle soup then crashed until about 11. both my 'rents came over today and chilled with me for a while. i'm feeling "ok" (and i use that loosely!). i'm very, very sore, when i DO stand up (bathroom trips only), i can't straighten up....it pulls too much on my abs which are just kiilling me. sneezing makes me want to die....have only done that once, thank god. mostly just been laying here with a heating pad all day. have dozed a few times as well. it's a dull ache heavy feeling. i feel like i have a 20 pound weight in my abdomen....that wants to fall out. doc says the pain will continue to get worse for the next few days. Ugh. I'm only allowed Tylenol....which thankfully works pretty well for me (so far).
that's the highlights...sorry i can' do more, i'm exhausted and loopy.
OH....(ok, one last push before the drugs win)....i had a hibiscous tree on the porch all summer - just moved it into the house about 2 months ago. It's at the balcony doors at the top of the steps. well, it hasn't bloomed since we moved it inside. when j helped me upstairs to bed this morning....there was a huge beautiful bloom on it. I hope it was a good sign. it was so weird...we both stopped dead in our tracks and went "holy shit".
i hope, i hope, i hope.
i apparently had a hard time with the anesthesia...i don't remember it, but they tell me i was fighting the drugs to the death...thrashing around, trying to get off the operating table. i remember getting the IV, then turning to the nurse and saying "I think i need more drugs, i'm not sleepy yet." to which she replied..."It's over honey, we got 10 eggs from you." it's so weird to completely lose time like that. she said they had to give me twice the amount of anesthesia i was supposed to have just to get me calmed down. so instead of spending about 20-30 minutes under anesthesia, it took me about 45+ minutes to wake up. and even then, my legs didn't work for about 30 minutes after that.
i was doing pretty good when i got there nervous-wise. but then they went t give me the IV. she messed with that thing for 5 minutes at least...couldn't get one in (all my damn veins are just collapsing because i've had so much bloodwork done), so she had to redo the whole thing on my other hand. i was crying and shaking by the time it was finally in. it sucked....from there on out it was straight-up nervousness.
i've got to keep this short so i don't pass out mid-post. but yes, 10 eggs (some were left in me because they were either not ready, or they were too hard to get to). they fertilized them this afternoon....how freakin' cool is it that i have babies (albeit in a lab) at this very mment. the doc will call toomrrow to let us know how quickly they're growing. doc said they have to be at the VERY leat 8 cells by friday....if not, that means they didn't work and we're just SOL. if they're 8 cell or just a little more (that would mean they're growing slowly), in that case, they would implant me on friday. he said if they're growing slowly, they have a better chance of survival if they're in me rather than in the lab. but it lowers my success rate overall. if they're growing quickly, they will wait and implant me on sunday (quickly would be 100 or so cells - blastocysts). it's better to wait, because the bigger they are, the better chance of implanting.
doc said we have 2 determining factors right now. One, their growth (which pretty much equals embryo quality). And two, my mental state (anxiety level) for the implantation. he said after my reaction to the procedure today, he's VERY concerned about me being able to be calm and still during the implantation. if i'm nervous, it will cause my uterus to contract and basically "spit out" any embryos he puts in there. for most implants, they give the patient a valium about an hour before. But he said he's considering knocking me out completely because of my low threshold for pain, the fact that my uterus is tilted backwards will make for a longer, more painful implantation and i'm have a good deal of bloating/pain just from the harvesting which will only get worse...so it's going to be more painful than i can probably handle.. if HE is nervous that i cant handle it, that makes ME even more nervous and i'd just assume to be out when they do it. god, how stupid would it be to lose the embryos because i'm nervous. i can't help that i'm nervous....i just get that way in doc offices....i seriously don't think i can control it. i tried to do some meditating this morning and it didn't do a damn thing for me.
procedure was at 4am. we got home around 6.... i was STARVING...so had some chicken noodle soup then crashed until about 11. both my 'rents came over today and chilled with me for a while. i'm feeling "ok" (and i use that loosely!). i'm very, very sore, when i DO stand up (bathroom trips only), i can't straighten up....it pulls too much on my abs which are just kiilling me. sneezing makes me want to die....have only done that once, thank god. mostly just been laying here with a heating pad all day. have dozed a few times as well. it's a dull ache heavy feeling. i feel like i have a 20 pound weight in my abdomen....that wants to fall out. doc says the pain will continue to get worse for the next few days. Ugh. I'm only allowed Tylenol....which thankfully works pretty well for me (so far).
that's the highlights...sorry i can' do more, i'm exhausted and loopy.
OH....(ok, one last push before the drugs win)....i had a hibiscous tree on the porch all summer - just moved it into the house about 2 months ago. It's at the balcony doors at the top of the steps. well, it hasn't bloomed since we moved it inside. when j helped me upstairs to bed this morning....there was a huge beautiful bloom on it. I hope it was a good sign. it was so weird...we both stopped dead in our tracks and went "holy shit".
i hope, i hope, i hope.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Super Woman...
Whenever you picture me in your mind from here on out...I'd better be wearing a Super Woman cape. My injections are over. Let me say that one more time: My injections...are over. Damn it all to hell that felt good!!
I had my last injection this evening. It was an intramuscular injection just below my hip bone with an inch and a half needle. You won't believe this...but it didn't hurt. Like at all. I don't know, maybe my pain tolerance has gone up. Maybe I'm numb from all the shots. Maybe because it was basically in my rear-end...and I have more cushion there. Or maybe it was because I'm USED to injections upon injections in my tummy in my 3-week old bruises. I gotta tell ya, I was expecting LOTS of pain...the doctor was explaining to us earlier today how to give the shot (he even drew a great big "X" on me so we'd know where to do it). He said (and I quote): "If you hit bone, don't worry about it." WTF? Who says that in front of ME hours before I'm possibly about to be stabbed in the hipbone? My god, this man has just never "gotten" my fear of needles and my ridiculously vivid imagination. All I could picture in my mind seconds before the shot was bone fragments floating around inside me. It wasn't pretty. J was a nervous wreck. No, wait...disaster....leading up to him giving me this shot. But he got that sucker in there and I said..."HOLY CRAP...that doesn't hurt at all!". I was kind of cracking up while it was happening. Which isn't good...I think I might've moved a little from the laughing...it's getting sore.
I've had bloodwork and ultrasounds everyday for the last 6 days (skipped Turkey Day). My arms are blue from the bloodwork. I can NOT stand having blood done. It's not that it hurts, it's just that I can't even stand to be touched in the crook of my arm. It really freaks me out. Of course after 6 days of blood...and my veins collapsing almost every single day (that's an average of 3 pokes a day), I am blue, purple and green...and yesterday I was NOT a good patient. The nurse basically held me down while the (not so gentle) doctor had to take the blood. I cried, I flailed - looking back on it, I should be embarassed. But after 3 and half weeks of needles...screw everybody...I should be allowed a tantrum. After all the trauma, the nurse said they could take blood out of my hand today. Why don't they tell you that crap ahead of time??? This morning, they did blood from the top of my hand. It didn't hurt at all. There was no tantrum. It lasted 10 seconds and it was over. Grant it, it's sore now and a little blue, but my GOD why couldn't they do that the first time around? So tomorrow, I have my last blood draw. I think I'm going to have them do it in my sore hand that they did today. That way they have a nice fresh hand to do my IV for my egg harvesting on Tuesday.
SO TUESDAY IS THE BIG DAY!!!!!!!!!! I have my procedure at 4:00. IN THE MORNING. How crazy is that? We have to be there at 3:30am. At the beginning of this IVF cycle, there were 9 couples doing it. Two couples dropped out in the very beginning. Two couples were told today that they didn't have enough eggs to complete the cycle (my god, how depressing would it have been to make it all the way through all this...get to the end and be told you can't do it...I feel for them). So there's now 5 couples that will be finishing IVF. Two women are being harvested on Monday....Three of us on Tuesday. I'm actually the SECOND procedure on Tuesday...the first lady goes under at 3am. It's almost like I get to sleep in.
The doc told me that I have approximately 12 eggs. He was torn between doing the harvesting on Tuesday or Wednesday. He said on Tuesday I'm going to have a couple eggs that aren't "ripe" enough yet, but if we wait until Wednesday some of my eggs will be TOO ripe and won't be any good. But if we do it on Tuesday, there's the possibility that some of the "unripe" eggs MAY ripen in the lab. So Tuesday is our best bet. He said they don't usually get all the eggs - sometimes they just miss them, or they can't get to them...whatever. So I'm hopefully looking at around 9 eggs that they'll get and will hopefully be good.
The harvesting will take approximately 20-30 minutes. They do an abdominal ultrasound while they're putting a needle in me so they can see where they need to go to get the eggies. I will be under anesthsia the whole time and won't remember anything.
The doc says that on either Wednesday or Thursday I'm going to be in a good deal of pain. Between this injection I got tonight (this was the drug that tells my body to go crazy) and just the being poked with a needle, my ovaries are going to swell WAY up. This is when we'll tell if I go into hyperstimulation or not. Phew...scary. But I've reacted really well to all the drugs so far, so I'm thinking that I'm going to be ok. I'm told the pain is going to last at a minimum for a week.
Once I come home from the doc on Tuesday, I start on 5 drugs (all pills or creams...YAY!). One to help get the extra fluids out of my body, an antibiotic so I don't get an infection from the procedure, baby aspirin (which apparently helps in implantation!), progesterone pill, and a progesterone cream which will all help thicken the lining of my uterus and help the embros hold on. All the drugs I've been on up until this point have thinned out my uterus, so I'm high-risk for either them not taking...or miscarriage in my first trimester. If this does work and I get pregnant, I've got stay on the progesterone for 12 weeks.
The implantation of the bee-bees will either take place on Friday or Sunday. I'm sooooooo excited that it's not Saturday. I know this is completely stupid, but Jeffrey's Christmas party for work is Saturday night and it's been my one thing to look forward to in all this. Of course by Saturday, I might be feeling like hell and may not go...but the fact that I CAN go if I want makes me freakin' giddy as hell. I bought a dress for it 2 months ago....I'm THAT excited about it. If the implantation is Friday...that means we can even spend the night. I just need a light at the end of the tunnel and this has been it for me.
Ok - so that's the latest. The only thing I have tomorrow is a blood draw....I'm not allowed to eat after 5pm tomorrow...and at 4am on Tuesday....I'm on my way to this being over.
Oh - weird thing and then I'm done, I swear. This injection I got a tonight is the pregnancy hormone which causes a home preg test to go positive. Even though they haven't even fertilized my eggs yet - if I were to take a test right now...it would be flamingly positive. I kind of want to take one just for the excitement of it all. The bummer is...I have one more blood draw in my near future. They'll be taking blood in about 3 weeks from today for my preg-test.
I had my last injection this evening. It was an intramuscular injection just below my hip bone with an inch and a half needle. You won't believe this...but it didn't hurt. Like at all. I don't know, maybe my pain tolerance has gone up. Maybe I'm numb from all the shots. Maybe because it was basically in my rear-end...and I have more cushion there. Or maybe it was because I'm USED to injections upon injections in my tummy in my 3-week old bruises. I gotta tell ya, I was expecting LOTS of pain...the doctor was explaining to us earlier today how to give the shot (he even drew a great big "X" on me so we'd know where to do it). He said (and I quote): "If you hit bone, don't worry about it." WTF? Who says that in front of ME hours before I'm possibly about to be stabbed in the hipbone? My god, this man has just never "gotten" my fear of needles and my ridiculously vivid imagination. All I could picture in my mind seconds before the shot was bone fragments floating around inside me. It wasn't pretty. J was a nervous wreck. No, wait...disaster....leading up to him giving me this shot. But he got that sucker in there and I said..."HOLY CRAP...that doesn't hurt at all!". I was kind of cracking up while it was happening. Which isn't good...I think I might've moved a little from the laughing...it's getting sore.
I've had bloodwork and ultrasounds everyday for the last 6 days (skipped Turkey Day). My arms are blue from the bloodwork. I can NOT stand having blood done. It's not that it hurts, it's just that I can't even stand to be touched in the crook of my arm. It really freaks me out. Of course after 6 days of blood...and my veins collapsing almost every single day (that's an average of 3 pokes a day), I am blue, purple and green...and yesterday I was NOT a good patient. The nurse basically held me down while the (not so gentle) doctor had to take the blood. I cried, I flailed - looking back on it, I should be embarassed. But after 3 and half weeks of needles...screw everybody...I should be allowed a tantrum. After all the trauma, the nurse said they could take blood out of my hand today. Why don't they tell you that crap ahead of time??? This morning, they did blood from the top of my hand. It didn't hurt at all. There was no tantrum. It lasted 10 seconds and it was over. Grant it, it's sore now and a little blue, but my GOD why couldn't they do that the first time around? So tomorrow, I have my last blood draw. I think I'm going to have them do it in my sore hand that they did today. That way they have a nice fresh hand to do my IV for my egg harvesting on Tuesday.
SO TUESDAY IS THE BIG DAY!!!!!!!!!! I have my procedure at 4:00. IN THE MORNING. How crazy is that? We have to be there at 3:30am. At the beginning of this IVF cycle, there were 9 couples doing it. Two couples dropped out in the very beginning. Two couples were told today that they didn't have enough eggs to complete the cycle (my god, how depressing would it have been to make it all the way through all this...get to the end and be told you can't do it...I feel for them). So there's now 5 couples that will be finishing IVF. Two women are being harvested on Monday....Three of us on Tuesday. I'm actually the SECOND procedure on Tuesday...the first lady goes under at 3am. It's almost like I get to sleep in.
The doc told me that I have approximately 12 eggs. He was torn between doing the harvesting on Tuesday or Wednesday. He said on Tuesday I'm going to have a couple eggs that aren't "ripe" enough yet, but if we wait until Wednesday some of my eggs will be TOO ripe and won't be any good. But if we do it on Tuesday, there's the possibility that some of the "unripe" eggs MAY ripen in the lab. So Tuesday is our best bet. He said they don't usually get all the eggs - sometimes they just miss them, or they can't get to them...whatever. So I'm hopefully looking at around 9 eggs that they'll get and will hopefully be good.
The harvesting will take approximately 20-30 minutes. They do an abdominal ultrasound while they're putting a needle in me so they can see where they need to go to get the eggies. I will be under anesthsia the whole time and won't remember anything.
The doc says that on either Wednesday or Thursday I'm going to be in a good deal of pain. Between this injection I got tonight (this was the drug that tells my body to go crazy) and just the being poked with a needle, my ovaries are going to swell WAY up. This is when we'll tell if I go into hyperstimulation or not. Phew...scary. But I've reacted really well to all the drugs so far, so I'm thinking that I'm going to be ok. I'm told the pain is going to last at a minimum for a week.
Once I come home from the doc on Tuesday, I start on 5 drugs (all pills or creams...YAY!). One to help get the extra fluids out of my body, an antibiotic so I don't get an infection from the procedure, baby aspirin (which apparently helps in implantation!), progesterone pill, and a progesterone cream which will all help thicken the lining of my uterus and help the embros hold on. All the drugs I've been on up until this point have thinned out my uterus, so I'm high-risk for either them not taking...or miscarriage in my first trimester. If this does work and I get pregnant, I've got stay on the progesterone for 12 weeks.
The implantation of the bee-bees will either take place on Friday or Sunday. I'm sooooooo excited that it's not Saturday. I know this is completely stupid, but Jeffrey's Christmas party for work is Saturday night and it's been my one thing to look forward to in all this. Of course by Saturday, I might be feeling like hell and may not go...but the fact that I CAN go if I want makes me freakin' giddy as hell. I bought a dress for it 2 months ago....I'm THAT excited about it. If the implantation is Friday...that means we can even spend the night. I just need a light at the end of the tunnel and this has been it for me.
Ok - so that's the latest. The only thing I have tomorrow is a blood draw....I'm not allowed to eat after 5pm tomorrow...and at 4am on Tuesday....I'm on my way to this being over.
Oh - weird thing and then I'm done, I swear. This injection I got a tonight is the pregnancy hormone which causes a home preg test to go positive. Even though they haven't even fertilized my eggs yet - if I were to take a test right now...it would be flamingly positive. I kind of want to take one just for the excitement of it all. The bummer is...I have one more blood draw in my near future. They'll be taking blood in about 3 weeks from today for my preg-test.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Follicles!
I'm feeling much more sane today. I had my bloodwork and ultrasound this morning. The nurse asked me how I was feeling - I told her that physically, I'm good, but mentally I've jumped the track somewhere. Told her about my Monday night breakdown...followed by my Tuesday crying all day episode, and then my Tuesday NIGHT breakdown. I don't know whether or not to be extremely pissed about this...or relieved (I think I'm mostly relieved), but apparently once you have enough Bravelle in your system, it screws with you emotionally. She told me that they don't list that as a side effect on their printouts because they don't want to "suggest" that to patients...they wait for the patients to say something to them first. I guess I can see the reasoning behind it...as I said, I have become a major hypochrondriac these last few weeks. But instead of spending the last 48 hours on the brink of insanity, it would've been comforting to know that I'm not the only one. There are 7 of us doing IVF this month at the clinic. Apparently there are 5 of us suffering the "mental meltdown" (so far). I was crying my eyes out when she was telling me this...I was so damn relieved I can't even begin to describe it. Here I thought I was being this total weak pathetic person...well, by god, it's not me...it's the drugs (ok, it's me AND the drugs...but at least I don't have to take ALL the blame). :)
So, I'm back on track. Well, mostly. I'm still crying for no damn reason. On my way home from the hospital today it started sleeting...and I just started crying because it was so beautiful. Holy crap, I'm getting teared up just typing about it. Yeah....I'm not "back on track"...but at least I know WHY I'm crazy.
In other news - I had my first ultrasound today. I've got 10 follicles on each ovary. I had to come home and research it to make sure that was good. To be honest, once we get to the whole "follicle" part in this procedure, it's gets a little too medical for me. That and the fact that all the research I've done in the last 3 years on infertility never got me this far. I'd get to IVF and "needles"...you know the drill from there: I turn either white or green and pass out. Yuck. But...here I am....researching on the fly....20 follicles and all.
According to a site I found, having between 12 and 26 follicles means I have a very high success rate for IVF. But if I end up with too many more...that means I'm high-risk for hyperstimulation (that's the scary stuff with fluid on the heart & lungs). I'm in the safe range right now. From what I'm reading, the number of follicles doesn't necessarily mean that's how many eggs I'll end up with...but it's a good indicator. Anyway, my biggest follicle is 1.75 mm. The nurse who did my ultrasound said that's a pretty good size for now and it's on its way to maturing...the rest are smaller, but not far off from that. Although I just read something online that said 16-18mm is mature. Crikey...I've a ways to go if that's right.
Phew...just a side note here. I'm one of those people that can actually feel when they ovulate every month. Right now I don't feel anything...which is surprising as hell to me. I had a little bit of "heaviness" in my abdomen when I woke up this morning...but it's gone now...and that might've been because I had to pee like a racehorse when I woke up (been drinking a LOT!). Can you imagine if I've got 10 follicles on each ovary and they get to be 18mm?!? OUCH...I imagine I'm going to feel THAT.
The doctor is supposed to call soon with the results from my bloodwork and to talk about today's ultrasound. I'll be sure to educate myself a little better. Based on the u/s and the bloodwork they are going to adjust my meds. I hope to god that they'll want to cut back on the Bravelle. I'm going to be dehydrated if I cry too much more.
My egg harvesting is tentatively scheduled for next Tuesday (the 28th). Although if my ovaries take off, they'll do it earlier. So next Tuesday is my last day of injections and needles (I think). The doc says the harvesting is the worst part of the whole experience, but I'm completely out for it, so shockingly I'm not that nervous about it (yet). I'm nervous about the IV they'll give me. After that, I have to wait 3-5 days for implantation. I'm told they'll give me a valium for that to relax me, but otherwise I'm awake. Doc says it's like a painful pap smear. I can handle that....especially with valium! Until then, I've got bloodwork and ultrasounds on a daily basis so they can monitoring what's going on with me. ...I do get tomorrow off since it's Turkey day...but blood & u/s continue friday through the weekend.
I think I can, I think I can....
So, I'm back on track. Well, mostly. I'm still crying for no damn reason. On my way home from the hospital today it started sleeting...and I just started crying because it was so beautiful. Holy crap, I'm getting teared up just typing about it. Yeah....I'm not "back on track"...but at least I know WHY I'm crazy.
In other news - I had my first ultrasound today. I've got 10 follicles on each ovary. I had to come home and research it to make sure that was good. To be honest, once we get to the whole "follicle" part in this procedure, it's gets a little too medical for me. That and the fact that all the research I've done in the last 3 years on infertility never got me this far. I'd get to IVF and "needles"...you know the drill from there: I turn either white or green and pass out. Yuck. But...here I am....researching on the fly....20 follicles and all.
According to a site I found, having between 12 and 26 follicles means I have a very high success rate for IVF. But if I end up with too many more...that means I'm high-risk for hyperstimulation (that's the scary stuff with fluid on the heart & lungs). I'm in the safe range right now. From what I'm reading, the number of follicles doesn't necessarily mean that's how many eggs I'll end up with...but it's a good indicator. Anyway, my biggest follicle is 1.75 mm. The nurse who did my ultrasound said that's a pretty good size for now and it's on its way to maturing...the rest are smaller, but not far off from that. Although I just read something online that said 16-18mm is mature. Crikey...I've a ways to go if that's right.
Phew...just a side note here. I'm one of those people that can actually feel when they ovulate every month. Right now I don't feel anything...which is surprising as hell to me. I had a little bit of "heaviness" in my abdomen when I woke up this morning...but it's gone now...and that might've been because I had to pee like a racehorse when I woke up (been drinking a LOT!). Can you imagine if I've got 10 follicles on each ovary and they get to be 18mm?!? OUCH...I imagine I'm going to feel THAT.
The doctor is supposed to call soon with the results from my bloodwork and to talk about today's ultrasound. I'll be sure to educate myself a little better. Based on the u/s and the bloodwork they are going to adjust my meds. I hope to god that they'll want to cut back on the Bravelle. I'm going to be dehydrated if I cry too much more.
My egg harvesting is tentatively scheduled for next Tuesday (the 28th). Although if my ovaries take off, they'll do it earlier. So next Tuesday is my last day of injections and needles (I think). The doc says the harvesting is the worst part of the whole experience, but I'm completely out for it, so shockingly I'm not that nervous about it (yet). I'm nervous about the IV they'll give me. After that, I have to wait 3-5 days for implantation. I'm told they'll give me a valium for that to relax me, but otherwise I'm awake. Doc says it's like a painful pap smear. I can handle that....especially with valium! Until then, I've got bloodwork and ultrasounds on a daily basis so they can monitoring what's going on with me. ...I do get tomorrow off since it's Turkey day...but blood & u/s continue friday through the weekend.
I think I can, I think I can....
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Crackin Up
I think it was just yesterday…not even a full 24 hours ago in fact, that I was talking to my friend Jena on the phone and I made the comment “this hasn’t been a bad experience at all so far.” Well, I forgot to knock-on-wood and “so far” jumped up and kicked me in the ass.
I had a shitty day yesterday. J came home from work…which means it’s “medicine time”. To be honest, I’ve almost been looking forward to it everyday. It’s like our bonding time. We don’t get to go through a passionate night of “lovemaking” (who here hates that word?) to conceive a child. Instead we’re doing injections, which truthfully have been WAY harder on him than they have on me. Until last night. Something in me snapped during our bonding experience. Apparently I have about a 3-week mental limit on: a) the number of needles I can possibly stand, b) the idea of having no control over my own body, and c) the hourly thoughts of “oh my god, I’m not having any side effects right now…I need to get xyz done while I still can.”
I started a new drug last Friday - Bravelle. It’s the scary drug, which may or may not cause my body to store up to 15+ pounds (yes, pounds) of water either on my lungs, my heart or my ovaries, or all three. Ok, let’s just get this out of the way. I have become a MAJOR hypochondriac since the beginning of this month. Truth: I was one to start…only now I have a real reason.
Anyhoo – Bravelle is a separate injection. So I’m now taking 2 a day for whoever is keeping count. Lupron and Bravelle. Lupron keeps my body from really moving forward with ovulation…and Bravelle is telling my ovaries to go crazy. So right now it’s kind of like hitting the gas and the brakes at the same time. My engine is revving, but the car ain’t movin’. Jesus…have I lived in the south too long…that wasn’t a NASCAR reference was it? Crap.
The injections are given a half inch below the belly button and about a half inch either to the right or the left. So up until Friday I was only getting one shot a day…so each side of my tummy had a day of rest. Now that I’m getting 2 – there’s no resting. My stomach has turned a lovely shade of purple and green. With red dots everywhere. The Lupron shot is not bad at all…the needle is tiny and there’s about 2 drops of drug being put in me, so it’s lasts about a second and it’s done. Although now that my stomach is so damn sore, even the Lupron has become a bit painful.
The Bravelle is a different story. The needle is just a tiny bit bigger than the Lupron needle. THAT part doesn’t bother me. The part that DOES hurt is the actual drug being injected. First of all, it’s a huge dosage. It’s 4 vials of the drug and .5 cc of the liquid solution…that probably means nothing to you guys…but trust me…it’s a lot, it has to be injected slowly, and it takes a good 10 seconds to get it all in there. In real-person time…10 seconds isn’t that long. On Planet Bravelle….it’s 10 seconds of having the hottest burning fire injected into your already bruised, most sensitive part of your stomach. I was stung by a hornet once in high school. It’s similar to that. There’s the initial prick…then burning. Then burning so f-ing intense you don’t think you can take it another second. Then the needle is out…and then the pain continues to increase for another 5 or so minutes. Insert my wimpy-ness, so that’s at least 20 minutes of sobbing (after the initial screeching into a pillow as it happens…and of course the 15 minutes of whimpering just in anticipation of what’s to come). It takes about a half hour until the burning starts to subside. At least an hour after that until it doesn’t hurt at all. And then the bruising kicks in. My favorite position for sleeping is flat on my stomach. Last night I rolled over on my tummy around 2am and it hurt so damn bad it woke me up.
Last night was injection #4 of Bravelle. The weird part is every time I get the shot, it hurts more and more. Whereas Lupron hurt less and less. The first 3 days of Bravelle (although it wasn’t my favorite time of day, was doable). Last night marks the end of “doable”. I’m now so damn bruised that when DH just pinches the injection site (you have to grab a flap of skin and then do the shot) THAT alone sends me into orbit.
The doctor’s office called here around 10am today to confirm my blood draw for tomorrow. I asked the nurse (who is amazingly nice…she once talked to me for 45 minutes on the phone just to see how I was handling everything…she’s really incredible) if this burning was “normal”. She told me that since I’m smaller, I’m going to have a lot more pain and bruising.
Tangent: So…WTF…I get screwed because I’m thin? I can’t help that. Jesus Christ…I eat like an f-ing horse…ok, pig. To top it off, I can never find jeans that fit correctly. NOBODY ever has size 2…or even 4. Now I’m going to have more pain and bruising because I’m small…haven’t I already paid the price????? I can’t buy f-ing JEANS like normal people!!!!! Being thin also puts me at risk for hyper-stimulation. WTF? Had I known this I’d have started eating cows on the hour every hour for weeks leading up to this!!!!!!! I’m never dieting. In fact after this…I’m going to make it a point to gain at least 50 pounds.
Can I also just add here (while we’re on this tangent) that I’ve had several glasses of wine (oh my god it’s only 2:30pm). I’m a bit tipsy. Ok, I might be more than tipsy. Let me just say that I am on vacation this week. That topped with my imminent mental break-down, I thought a bottle of wine might be a wise idea. Plus, I figured, hell with it. Here I had this romantic idea of getting pregnant. When we first started trying, I was on all organic foods, no alcohol whatsoever, I was exercising (yes, me!), I wasn’t letting any stress sit with me, I was even sleeping with an air purifier inches away from my face. I figured if I did it all right, I’d end up with this fabulously healthy, beautiful baby.
SUR-VEY SAYS……..errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…. (that's my typed imitation of the "Family Feud" noise, in case you didn't catch that).
That has all gone out the window. I am now willingly injecting my body full of hormones and drugs that may or may not cause cancer in the state of California. These drugs actually make my uterus a “hostile environment” for embryos….ironically for the sake of creating embryos in the first place. Sorry…blastocysts....we want blastocycts. Even more ironic – because these drugs create a bad environment for an embryo, I have to be on MORE drugs (Progesterone) once I’m actually pregnant to turn my body back into a “good growing area”. And the irony doesn’t end THERE. Progesterone is (supposedly) proven by the FDA to actually cause deformities in the fetus. Although, frankly, I think the FDA is full of crap…Progesterone occurs naturally in the pregnant body anyway. So I’m taking my chances. Seeing as I have no choice in the matter anyway. Ok…oh my god, between the wine and this last paragraph I’m really about to panic…so let’s switch gears here…
Tangent over. Back to the story:
The nurse told me that if I was really concerned about the pain, I should call the doctor and talk to him about it. I actually spent an hour procrastinating the phone call. “It’s his cell phone, it’s the holidays, I don’t want him to think I’m a total wimp…” Then another thought popped into my mind: "I’m going to be in debt for the next several years because of this man...hell with it…where’s his cell number?" He answered the phone and I could hear a tea-pot whistling in the background. I instantly had visions of him at a ski resort, snow coming down peacefully outside, him cuddled up with his (much younger) wife by the fire. It was all very Currier & Ives. I wanted to kill him before he even said hello.
I told him what was going on. He said it was normal. Shit. Pictured him spilling the hot tea-pot all over him. Felt a little better. Then he suggested if it was hurting THAT bad, that I could inject the Bravelle intramuscularly and there shouldn’t be any burning. Ohh...It’s an inch AND A HALF needle. In my hip. Oh…and J's not a doctor...I’m just not down with me being any more of an experiment that I already am. I told him I’d deal with the pain. He laughed…apparently I’m f-ing hilarious. I bit my lip to hold back tears…hung up on the phone and thought…my god, I’ve got at a minimum another week of this stuff…will I be able to do it?
So that’s where I am: In less than 24 hours I’m gone from…”this really isn’t that bad”….to “I don’t know if I can finish IVF.”
It’s really disappointing to know that I’m emotionally breaking down so quickly over all this. I thought I was being “tough”…but I’m not even close. I mean if I can’t handle THIS…how the hell will I handle actually giving birth, or worse - dealing with teenagers? Haha.
I’m just feeling like this really weak person today. Hence the glass of wine. And the glass number 5 of wine. I’m also feeling ridiculously emotional. Not sure if that’s a side effect from glass #5, or from the drugs, or the whole damn process - or what.
But the worst part about it is: since my screeching, sobbing debacle from last night, J's been apologizing left and right. And NOT because he’s giving me injections. For the whole situation that HE feels like he got me into. That alone makes me want to cry. He’s still not over the idea that this is “all his fault”. Which of course it isn’t. But he still doesn’t get that. Blame genetics, blame pollution…but it’s not his fault. So it makes me feel even more of a loser that I can’t fake it through the pain if nothing else for his sake.
And YES…I know it’s pain that’s going to result in a baby (knock on wood)…I know it’s going to be worth it. But that’s not really registering with me. IVF and getting pregnant still feel like two totally different animals at the moment. In my mind, they have nothing to do with each other. Jeffrey keeps saying that when he gives me the shots: “Just think what will happen in the end.” Yeah, that’s not working for me.
Apparently WINE is though. It’s literally taken me 2 hours to write all this. Mostly because I’m being ultra-careful not to spill any wine as I poor my sorry ass a new glass. Hey - I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. See? I’ve had too much.
Tomorrow is my first day of blood work. I go in at 9:30 for blood, then I have to be at the hospital at 11am for my first ultrasound. I’ll be doing that every day for at least 4-5 days. They’re monitoring my hormone levels and my ovaries to see how quickly things are working. They will start adjusting my drugs on a daily basis…and depending on how quickly my body reacts will determine the date that they harvest my eggs. Tentatively I’m on the calendar for November 28th (one week from today). It’s an out-patient surgery. I’ll be totally knocked-out for it (thank god). Although I’m totally freaked out about having my legs up in stirrups and not being conscious. I hope they let J stay with me the entire time. The surgery itself doesn’t scare me…just the phobia of what’s going on with my body while I’m dead to the world. Oh…and in my bizarre little brain…I’m mostly (and secretly) TERRIFIED of the IV I’ll have to have. Ok, it’s no longer a secret. Damn.
I’ll be getting bloodwork and ultrasounds every day except Thanksgiving. They’re giving me that day off. Woohoo!! Although I’m still getting 2 injections a day until the harvesting. Undo that "woohoo".
It’s really coming down to the wire here. I could be pregnant in a week and half to 2 weeks. My god, that’s soon. Maybe that’s why I’m cracking up a little. Time has caught up with me…and suddenly…WHAM…it’s here….it’s happening....and I'm freaking out....
Maybe. Or maybe it’s because I have less than 3 hours before my next set of injections…..
I had a shitty day yesterday. J came home from work…which means it’s “medicine time”. To be honest, I’ve almost been looking forward to it everyday. It’s like our bonding time. We don’t get to go through a passionate night of “lovemaking” (who here hates that word?) to conceive a child. Instead we’re doing injections, which truthfully have been WAY harder on him than they have on me. Until last night. Something in me snapped during our bonding experience. Apparently I have about a 3-week mental limit on: a) the number of needles I can possibly stand, b) the idea of having no control over my own body, and c) the hourly thoughts of “oh my god, I’m not having any side effects right now…I need to get xyz done while I still can.”
I started a new drug last Friday - Bravelle. It’s the scary drug, which may or may not cause my body to store up to 15+ pounds (yes, pounds) of water either on my lungs, my heart or my ovaries, or all three. Ok, let’s just get this out of the way. I have become a MAJOR hypochondriac since the beginning of this month. Truth: I was one to start…only now I have a real reason.
Anyhoo – Bravelle is a separate injection. So I’m now taking 2 a day for whoever is keeping count. Lupron and Bravelle. Lupron keeps my body from really moving forward with ovulation…and Bravelle is telling my ovaries to go crazy. So right now it’s kind of like hitting the gas and the brakes at the same time. My engine is revving, but the car ain’t movin’. Jesus…have I lived in the south too long…that wasn’t a NASCAR reference was it? Crap.
The injections are given a half inch below the belly button and about a half inch either to the right or the left. So up until Friday I was only getting one shot a day…so each side of my tummy had a day of rest. Now that I’m getting 2 – there’s no resting. My stomach has turned a lovely shade of purple and green. With red dots everywhere. The Lupron shot is not bad at all…the needle is tiny and there’s about 2 drops of drug being put in me, so it’s lasts about a second and it’s done. Although now that my stomach is so damn sore, even the Lupron has become a bit painful.
The Bravelle is a different story. The needle is just a tiny bit bigger than the Lupron needle. THAT part doesn’t bother me. The part that DOES hurt is the actual drug being injected. First of all, it’s a huge dosage. It’s 4 vials of the drug and .5 cc of the liquid solution…that probably means nothing to you guys…but trust me…it’s a lot, it has to be injected slowly, and it takes a good 10 seconds to get it all in there. In real-person time…10 seconds isn’t that long. On Planet Bravelle….it’s 10 seconds of having the hottest burning fire injected into your already bruised, most sensitive part of your stomach. I was stung by a hornet once in high school. It’s similar to that. There’s the initial prick…then burning. Then burning so f-ing intense you don’t think you can take it another second. Then the needle is out…and then the pain continues to increase for another 5 or so minutes. Insert my wimpy-ness, so that’s at least 20 minutes of sobbing (after the initial screeching into a pillow as it happens…and of course the 15 minutes of whimpering just in anticipation of what’s to come). It takes about a half hour until the burning starts to subside. At least an hour after that until it doesn’t hurt at all. And then the bruising kicks in. My favorite position for sleeping is flat on my stomach. Last night I rolled over on my tummy around 2am and it hurt so damn bad it woke me up.
Last night was injection #4 of Bravelle. The weird part is every time I get the shot, it hurts more and more. Whereas Lupron hurt less and less. The first 3 days of Bravelle (although it wasn’t my favorite time of day, was doable). Last night marks the end of “doable”. I’m now so damn bruised that when DH just pinches the injection site (you have to grab a flap of skin and then do the shot) THAT alone sends me into orbit.
The doctor’s office called here around 10am today to confirm my blood draw for tomorrow. I asked the nurse (who is amazingly nice…she once talked to me for 45 minutes on the phone just to see how I was handling everything…she’s really incredible) if this burning was “normal”. She told me that since I’m smaller, I’m going to have a lot more pain and bruising.
Tangent: So…WTF…I get screwed because I’m thin? I can’t help that. Jesus Christ…I eat like an f-ing horse…ok, pig. To top it off, I can never find jeans that fit correctly. NOBODY ever has size 2…or even 4. Now I’m going to have more pain and bruising because I’m small…haven’t I already paid the price????? I can’t buy f-ing JEANS like normal people!!!!! Being thin also puts me at risk for hyper-stimulation. WTF? Had I known this I’d have started eating cows on the hour every hour for weeks leading up to this!!!!!!! I’m never dieting. In fact after this…I’m going to make it a point to gain at least 50 pounds.
Can I also just add here (while we’re on this tangent) that I’ve had several glasses of wine (oh my god it’s only 2:30pm). I’m a bit tipsy. Ok, I might be more than tipsy. Let me just say that I am on vacation this week. That topped with my imminent mental break-down, I thought a bottle of wine might be a wise idea. Plus, I figured, hell with it. Here I had this romantic idea of getting pregnant. When we first started trying, I was on all organic foods, no alcohol whatsoever, I was exercising (yes, me!), I wasn’t letting any stress sit with me, I was even sleeping with an air purifier inches away from my face. I figured if I did it all right, I’d end up with this fabulously healthy, beautiful baby.
SUR-VEY SAYS……..errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…. (that's my typed imitation of the "Family Feud" noise, in case you didn't catch that).
That has all gone out the window. I am now willingly injecting my body full of hormones and drugs that may or may not cause cancer in the state of California. These drugs actually make my uterus a “hostile environment” for embryos….ironically for the sake of creating embryos in the first place. Sorry…blastocysts....we want blastocycts. Even more ironic – because these drugs create a bad environment for an embryo, I have to be on MORE drugs (Progesterone) once I’m actually pregnant to turn my body back into a “good growing area”. And the irony doesn’t end THERE. Progesterone is (supposedly) proven by the FDA to actually cause deformities in the fetus. Although, frankly, I think the FDA is full of crap…Progesterone occurs naturally in the pregnant body anyway. So I’m taking my chances. Seeing as I have no choice in the matter anyway. Ok…oh my god, between the wine and this last paragraph I’m really about to panic…so let’s switch gears here…
Tangent over. Back to the story:
The nurse told me that if I was really concerned about the pain, I should call the doctor and talk to him about it. I actually spent an hour procrastinating the phone call. “It’s his cell phone, it’s the holidays, I don’t want him to think I’m a total wimp…” Then another thought popped into my mind: "I’m going to be in debt for the next several years because of this man...hell with it…where’s his cell number?" He answered the phone and I could hear a tea-pot whistling in the background. I instantly had visions of him at a ski resort, snow coming down peacefully outside, him cuddled up with his (much younger) wife by the fire. It was all very Currier & Ives. I wanted to kill him before he even said hello.
I told him what was going on. He said it was normal. Shit. Pictured him spilling the hot tea-pot all over him. Felt a little better. Then he suggested if it was hurting THAT bad, that I could inject the Bravelle intramuscularly and there shouldn’t be any burning. Ohh...It’s an inch AND A HALF needle. In my hip. Oh…and J's not a doctor...I’m just not down with me being any more of an experiment that I already am. I told him I’d deal with the pain. He laughed…apparently I’m f-ing hilarious. I bit my lip to hold back tears…hung up on the phone and thought…my god, I’ve got at a minimum another week of this stuff…will I be able to do it?
So that’s where I am: In less than 24 hours I’m gone from…”this really isn’t that bad”….to “I don’t know if I can finish IVF.”
It’s really disappointing to know that I’m emotionally breaking down so quickly over all this. I thought I was being “tough”…but I’m not even close. I mean if I can’t handle THIS…how the hell will I handle actually giving birth, or worse - dealing with teenagers? Haha.
I’m just feeling like this really weak person today. Hence the glass of wine. And the glass number 5 of wine. I’m also feeling ridiculously emotional. Not sure if that’s a side effect from glass #5, or from the drugs, or the whole damn process - or what.
But the worst part about it is: since my screeching, sobbing debacle from last night, J's been apologizing left and right. And NOT because he’s giving me injections. For the whole situation that HE feels like he got me into. That alone makes me want to cry. He’s still not over the idea that this is “all his fault”. Which of course it isn’t. But he still doesn’t get that. Blame genetics, blame pollution…but it’s not his fault. So it makes me feel even more of a loser that I can’t fake it through the pain if nothing else for his sake.
And YES…I know it’s pain that’s going to result in a baby (knock on wood)…I know it’s going to be worth it. But that’s not really registering with me. IVF and getting pregnant still feel like two totally different animals at the moment. In my mind, they have nothing to do with each other. Jeffrey keeps saying that when he gives me the shots: “Just think what will happen in the end.” Yeah, that’s not working for me.
Apparently WINE is though. It’s literally taken me 2 hours to write all this. Mostly because I’m being ultra-careful not to spill any wine as I poor my sorry ass a new glass. Hey - I’m a poet and I didn’t know it. See? I’ve had too much.
Tomorrow is my first day of blood work. I go in at 9:30 for blood, then I have to be at the hospital at 11am for my first ultrasound. I’ll be doing that every day for at least 4-5 days. They’re monitoring my hormone levels and my ovaries to see how quickly things are working. They will start adjusting my drugs on a daily basis…and depending on how quickly my body reacts will determine the date that they harvest my eggs. Tentatively I’m on the calendar for November 28th (one week from today). It’s an out-patient surgery. I’ll be totally knocked-out for it (thank god). Although I’m totally freaked out about having my legs up in stirrups and not being conscious. I hope they let J stay with me the entire time. The surgery itself doesn’t scare me…just the phobia of what’s going on with my body while I’m dead to the world. Oh…and in my bizarre little brain…I’m mostly (and secretly) TERRIFIED of the IV I’ll have to have. Ok, it’s no longer a secret. Damn.
I’ll be getting bloodwork and ultrasounds every day except Thanksgiving. They’re giving me that day off. Woohoo!! Although I’m still getting 2 injections a day until the harvesting. Undo that "woohoo".
It’s really coming down to the wire here. I could be pregnant in a week and half to 2 weeks. My god, that’s soon. Maybe that’s why I’m cracking up a little. Time has caught up with me…and suddenly…WHAM…it’s here….it’s happening....and I'm freaking out....
Maybe. Or maybe it’s because I have less than 3 hours before my next set of injections…..
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Birth Control: help get you pregnant?
Went off birth control last Thursday. Started my period yesterday. Boy does that suck. Luckily with the drugs - or maybe the residual BC, I'm not having horrific cramps like I normally do. Which works out really well considering I have a daily injection in my abdomen. The FABULOUS thing about having my period is my boobs don't hurt right now. And by "don't hurt", what I mean is I'm not thinking about just cutting them off today....and I only woke up TWICE last night because they didn't hurt - as bad.
The injections are going well. I actually had to call on a friend last night to be my back-up shot giver. She did a fabulous job. J has been traveling for work...he'll be home tonight though....just in time to stick me. "I missed you sooooooo much....now let me put this needle into your stomach." Jerk.
I start the scary drug on Friday. It's called Bravelle and it may or may not make my ovaries either: a) explode, or b) tie into knots and therefore have to be removed. Yeah, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'm TRYING not to turn into TOO much of a hypochondriac (ok, I was like that before IVF, I admit it), but I do want to be prepared for all the bad side effects that could happen. The doc tells me that at a minimum I will probably have *some* type of fluid build up...if not in my ovaries, at least in my abdomen. So I'll probably be sporting a little pot-belly for a few weeks. I'll have to get a picture of J and I belly to belly for comparison. Hmm, maybe I should get a pic of my nice semi-flat belly before all this begins. I'll want to remember it one day.
Apparently the fluid build-up issue will just be exacerbated if I actually get pregnant after all this. So the miserable part is...any fluid build up in that area is going to cause pain. And of course if I'm pregnant, there's not a whole lot of drugs I can take for it...it will just have to go away by itself. Doc said that will probably take a few weeks.
Ok, back to drug #2 -- Bravelle. I will still be on drug #1 (Lupron)...so starting Friday I will be getting 2 injections a day in my tummy. Oh my poor tummy...it's no longer sore...I've entered into "numb"...which is actually very nice. Then starting next Wednesday (day before Turkey Day) I will start getting bloodwork and ultrasounds every morning. I've gotten pretty good with the shots...but bloodwork I don't do. I think I'm dreading that part more than any other thing in all this. That needle in the arm...I don't even like to be touched there. Anyway...I'll have results of my bloodwork within hours everyday...and according to those results, they will adjust my meds on a daily basis until they determine it's time to rip my eggs out. I'm completely knocked out for the egg harvesting...so I'm not really worried....just dreading the damn IV they'll have to put in me (how screwed up am I?). 36 hours before the harvesting I have to get a BIG shot (in my rear). Not at all looking forward to that. J will be giving it to me. God...seriously, the doctor's not doing a damn thing in all this...can't HE do that one? Blah.
The super-exciting news of the day is this: a friend sent me the feng shui horoscope today. It says I have a "life altering event" in my future. For the good. Rock on. It also said that it would happen before my next birthday. J and I were just talking the other day about how my due date would probably be right around my bday (according to the doc, somewhere around August 23rd...depending on the exact implantation date). Of course...before that if it's twins. So yay...feng shui says I'll have babies before my 30th. I will be partying down (or at least taking a really long nap that day). :)
Well, that's the latest. I'm gonna go get my flu shot tomorrow. Don't want to be preggers with the flu...that would suck. Also getting my hair straightened this weekend and have plans to paint at least 3 rooms before implantation day....I have a lot of chemicals I need to expose myself to before I start totin' around the embryos. :) Luckily I'm on vacation all next week...so I have no excuses for not getting it all done. :)
The injections are going well. I actually had to call on a friend last night to be my back-up shot giver. She did a fabulous job. J has been traveling for work...he'll be home tonight though....just in time to stick me. "I missed you sooooooo much....now let me put this needle into your stomach." Jerk.
I start the scary drug on Friday. It's called Bravelle and it may or may not make my ovaries either: a) explode, or b) tie into knots and therefore have to be removed. Yeah, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'm TRYING not to turn into TOO much of a hypochondriac (ok, I was like that before IVF, I admit it), but I do want to be prepared for all the bad side effects that could happen. The doc tells me that at a minimum I will probably have *some* type of fluid build up...if not in my ovaries, at least in my abdomen. So I'll probably be sporting a little pot-belly for a few weeks. I'll have to get a picture of J and I belly to belly for comparison. Hmm, maybe I should get a pic of my nice semi-flat belly before all this begins. I'll want to remember it one day.
Apparently the fluid build-up issue will just be exacerbated if I actually get pregnant after all this. So the miserable part is...any fluid build up in that area is going to cause pain. And of course if I'm pregnant, there's not a whole lot of drugs I can take for it...it will just have to go away by itself. Doc said that will probably take a few weeks.
Ok, back to drug #2 -- Bravelle. I will still be on drug #1 (Lupron)...so starting Friday I will be getting 2 injections a day in my tummy. Oh my poor tummy...it's no longer sore...I've entered into "numb"...which is actually very nice. Then starting next Wednesday (day before Turkey Day) I will start getting bloodwork and ultrasounds every morning. I've gotten pretty good with the shots...but bloodwork I don't do. I think I'm dreading that part more than any other thing in all this. That needle in the arm...I don't even like to be touched there. Anyway...I'll have results of my bloodwork within hours everyday...and according to those results, they will adjust my meds on a daily basis until they determine it's time to rip my eggs out. I'm completely knocked out for the egg harvesting...so I'm not really worried....just dreading the damn IV they'll have to put in me (how screwed up am I?). 36 hours before the harvesting I have to get a BIG shot (in my rear). Not at all looking forward to that. J will be giving it to me. God...seriously, the doctor's not doing a damn thing in all this...can't HE do that one? Blah.
The super-exciting news of the day is this: a friend sent me the feng shui horoscope today. It says I have a "life altering event" in my future. For the good. Rock on. It also said that it would happen before my next birthday. J and I were just talking the other day about how my due date would probably be right around my bday (according to the doc, somewhere around August 23rd...depending on the exact implantation date). Of course...before that if it's twins. So yay...feng shui says I'll have babies before my 30th. I will be partying down (or at least taking a really long nap that day). :)
Well, that's the latest. I'm gonna go get my flu shot tomorrow. Don't want to be preggers with the flu...that would suck. Also getting my hair straightened this weekend and have plans to paint at least 3 rooms before implantation day....I have a lot of chemicals I need to expose myself to before I start totin' around the embryos. :) Luckily I'm on vacation all next week...so I have no excuses for not getting it all done. :)
Monday, November 13, 2006
Thursday's doc appointment went well. I had a huge list of questions which the doc answered. We laid out my "IVF Calendar" which tells me what days i have to do which injections, blood work, ultrasounds (my GOD when did reproduction get so complicated?).
I did have a rather "weird" (ok, scary) thing happen to me on Thursday. We were about an hour away from going to the appointment when I started having a hard time catching my breath. It was like I had just run up and down the stairs a few times (it's sad, I'm out of shape), only I was sitting on the couch. From there I got kind of panicd...which of course helped. I ended up hyperventilating and got tingly all over. THEN...I think I had a hot flash...and that was proceeded by 20 minutes of a COLD flash (I didn't even know that could happen). I was buried under an electric blank (on high), 2 heavy blankets on top of that and a heating pad on my chest. And it still took 20 minutes to warm me back up. It was really bizarre. I didn't hurt or anything...but it really freaked me out.
I called the doctor as soon as it happened. He said that he wasn't sure why I was having shortness of breath...but sometimes a hot flash (which is a side effect of the meds) can be followed by a cold flash. And he thought maybe the shortness of breath was because of the birth control since I'd had a pretty hard time with it. I was in the doc office about an hour later and he said he'd go ahead and end my misery from the pill...took me off it a few days early.
However, I had the same thing happen to me last night...shortness of breath...a teeny hot flash...really, I'm not even sure if that counted as one...but then i had the cold chill thing happen immediately afterwards. Again...buried in covers...took a good half hour to warm me back up. Doc said it's just a reverse hot flash and apparently it happens to a lot of women going through menopause (which is where I am right now)...your hormones get a little off-whack and your body goes crazy thinking your core temp is off and then overcompensates. I'm going to end up with frost bite while in my heated house.
I read online where some women get a feeling of "something's not right" / some type of anxiety / or even a "feeling of suffocation" right before a flash. So maybe that's what my breathing thing is. It doesn't hurt of anything...just feels "heavy"...like I'm trying to breath, but someone's sitting on me. Ok...I guess I just described "feeling of suffocation". Anyway...got that.
The IVF calendar is my new best friend. According to it I only have one scary shot (intramuscular - given 36 hours before the egg harvesting)...and then the actual egg harvesting. Everything else is supposed to be "cake". I'm totally out for the egg harvesting. I've been under before...and last time it made me really sick...but at least I know what to expect. I'm not crazy about the fact that J has to give me my intramuscular shot. Seriously...what the hell? THAT is a long needle...I want somebody who knows what they're doing. Ugh....at least this way it's wife/husband bonding? That's the story I'm going with (I guess). Damn, that is gonna hurt.
The doctor is giving me a bit of a hard time now about the progesterone shots. This upset me a little bit at the appointment. I had a conversation with him a few weeks ago and told him there was just no way I could handle a DAILY instramuscular shot in my hip...which HE even admitted was going to hurt. I told him I saw online where they did creams & pills for that kind of thing. My boss and 2 other women at work did IVF and they ALL used the cream and got pregnant on the first round. The doc even told me when I talked to him a few weeks ago that the shot & cream were pretty much all just at effective.
So then during the appointment I busted out my box of progesterone. He had apparently "forgotten" that they prescribed/ordered that for me and now he's trying to talk me into doing at least 2 weeks of the injection. WHAT? I don't mind if he had suggested that maybe I should do that...but now I feel like I'm under some guilt trip...what if I do the cream and I lose the baby(s), I've got nobody to blame but myself. Jeffrey thinks I'm overreacting and that the dr. didn't say it like that...but that's totally how I felt when we left there. All I could think was...holy crap, if something goes wrong, now that's ALL I'm going to think about and I'm going to blame myself for being so much of a wimp. I had it all figured out until he opened his mouth. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm not going to let myself be guilted into doing something to my body when the alternative works perfectly fine. You know what...I just need to stand by my guns on this one. Ugh...I hate second-guessing myself. He DID say that he'd let me do whichever I wanted...
I start my next round of drugs on Friday. Right now I'm on Lupron...so as of Friday my Lupron gets cut in half and I start on Bravelle. I'll be doing 2 injections a day (sore, sore tummy) for a week. The day before Thanksgiving I start doing bloodwork and ultrasounds everyday...according to my bloodwork, they'll adjust my intake of Bravelle daily until they can decide I'm ready to have my eggs removed.
Ok - you want to know something bizarre? They took me off the pill last week...I finally just started my period today. My period will probably just be ending as they're giving me drugs to make my ovaries go into overdrive. Soooooo not natural (not that any of this is). It's no wonder they only let you do IVF every few months...your body needs a break.
Anyway...I'm feeling good so far (with the exception of the flashes)....my biggest complaint is just being exhausted. I'm falling asleep (if I'm lucky) around 7:30 / 8pm...and a few times it's been more like 6pm. Although when I get up in the morning I feel great.
J's out of town for work tonight, so I've got a friend coming over to do my injection tonight. J and I are going out of town this weekend for a football game. Rather...HE is going to the football game...I'm getting dragged along - as my shot-giver AND my backup shot giver will both be there. I'm a bit nervous about starting a new drug and in the same night going out of town. But we're staying right across the street from a hospital...so that makes me feel better!
The thought of being pregnant is getting a little closer to home. It just occurred to me yesterday that I have THREE rooms I need to paint before I get pregnant. Don't want precious cargo around the fumes. I made myself a hair appointment while everybody's at the game this weekend. I want to get my hair straightened...but I'm not doing THAT while I'm preg either. So it's down to the line. Painting and straightening...gotta get all these chemicals out of the way. You know...so I can inject some into me. haha.
Once I got organized at the doctor appointment last week I'm feeling a lot better mentally. This whole process really isn't THAT bad (I'm not saying daily injections are fun....but it's not a horrific as I thought it was going to be). Knock on wood. I just hope it works....would be pretty devastating to get a negative test after all this.
I did have a rather "weird" (ok, scary) thing happen to me on Thursday. We were about an hour away from going to the appointment when I started having a hard time catching my breath. It was like I had just run up and down the stairs a few times (it's sad, I'm out of shape), only I was sitting on the couch. From there I got kind of panicd...which of course helped. I ended up hyperventilating and got tingly all over. THEN...I think I had a hot flash...and that was proceeded by 20 minutes of a COLD flash (I didn't even know that could happen). I was buried under an electric blank (on high), 2 heavy blankets on top of that and a heating pad on my chest. And it still took 20 minutes to warm me back up. It was really bizarre. I didn't hurt or anything...but it really freaked me out.
I called the doctor as soon as it happened. He said that he wasn't sure why I was having shortness of breath...but sometimes a hot flash (which is a side effect of the meds) can be followed by a cold flash. And he thought maybe the shortness of breath was because of the birth control since I'd had a pretty hard time with it. I was in the doc office about an hour later and he said he'd go ahead and end my misery from the pill...took me off it a few days early.
However, I had the same thing happen to me last night...shortness of breath...a teeny hot flash...really, I'm not even sure if that counted as one...but then i had the cold chill thing happen immediately afterwards. Again...buried in covers...took a good half hour to warm me back up. Doc said it's just a reverse hot flash and apparently it happens to a lot of women going through menopause (which is where I am right now)...your hormones get a little off-whack and your body goes crazy thinking your core temp is off and then overcompensates. I'm going to end up with frost bite while in my heated house.
I read online where some women get a feeling of "something's not right" / some type of anxiety / or even a "feeling of suffocation" right before a flash. So maybe that's what my breathing thing is. It doesn't hurt of anything...just feels "heavy"...like I'm trying to breath, but someone's sitting on me. Ok...I guess I just described "feeling of suffocation". Anyway...got that.
The IVF calendar is my new best friend. According to it I only have one scary shot (intramuscular - given 36 hours before the egg harvesting)...and then the actual egg harvesting. Everything else is supposed to be "cake". I'm totally out for the egg harvesting. I've been under before...and last time it made me really sick...but at least I know what to expect. I'm not crazy about the fact that J has to give me my intramuscular shot. Seriously...what the hell? THAT is a long needle...I want somebody who knows what they're doing. Ugh....at least this way it's wife/husband bonding? That's the story I'm going with (I guess). Damn, that is gonna hurt.
The doctor is giving me a bit of a hard time now about the progesterone shots. This upset me a little bit at the appointment. I had a conversation with him a few weeks ago and told him there was just no way I could handle a DAILY instramuscular shot in my hip...which HE even admitted was going to hurt. I told him I saw online where they did creams & pills for that kind of thing. My boss and 2 other women at work did IVF and they ALL used the cream and got pregnant on the first round. The doc even told me when I talked to him a few weeks ago that the shot & cream were pretty much all just at effective.
So then during the appointment I busted out my box of progesterone. He had apparently "forgotten" that they prescribed/ordered that for me and now he's trying to talk me into doing at least 2 weeks of the injection. WHAT? I don't mind if he had suggested that maybe I should do that...but now I feel like I'm under some guilt trip...what if I do the cream and I lose the baby(s), I've got nobody to blame but myself. Jeffrey thinks I'm overreacting and that the dr. didn't say it like that...but that's totally how I felt when we left there. All I could think was...holy crap, if something goes wrong, now that's ALL I'm going to think about and I'm going to blame myself for being so much of a wimp. I had it all figured out until he opened his mouth. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm not going to let myself be guilted into doing something to my body when the alternative works perfectly fine. You know what...I just need to stand by my guns on this one. Ugh...I hate second-guessing myself. He DID say that he'd let me do whichever I wanted...
I start my next round of drugs on Friday. Right now I'm on Lupron...so as of Friday my Lupron gets cut in half and I start on Bravelle. I'll be doing 2 injections a day (sore, sore tummy) for a week. The day before Thanksgiving I start doing bloodwork and ultrasounds everyday...according to my bloodwork, they'll adjust my intake of Bravelle daily until they can decide I'm ready to have my eggs removed.
Ok - you want to know something bizarre? They took me off the pill last week...I finally just started my period today. My period will probably just be ending as they're giving me drugs to make my ovaries go into overdrive. Soooooo not natural (not that any of this is). It's no wonder they only let you do IVF every few months...your body needs a break.
Anyway...I'm feeling good so far (with the exception of the flashes)....my biggest complaint is just being exhausted. I'm falling asleep (if I'm lucky) around 7:30 / 8pm...and a few times it's been more like 6pm. Although when I get up in the morning I feel great.
J's out of town for work tonight, so I've got a friend coming over to do my injection tonight. J and I are going out of town this weekend for a football game. Rather...HE is going to the football game...I'm getting dragged along - as my shot-giver AND my backup shot giver will both be there. I'm a bit nervous about starting a new drug and in the same night going out of town. But we're staying right across the street from a hospital...so that makes me feel better!
The thought of being pregnant is getting a little closer to home. It just occurred to me yesterday that I have THREE rooms I need to paint before I get pregnant. Don't want precious cargo around the fumes. I made myself a hair appointment while everybody's at the game this weekend. I want to get my hair straightened...but I'm not doing THAT while I'm preg either. So it's down to the line. Painting and straightening...gotta get all these chemicals out of the way. You know...so I can inject some into me. haha.
Once I got organized at the doctor appointment last week I'm feeling a lot better mentally. This whole process really isn't THAT bad (I'm not saying daily injections are fun....but it's not a horrific as I thought it was going to be). Knock on wood. I just hope it works....would be pretty devastating to get a negative test after all this.
Tuesday, November 7, 2006
Oh god I'm having a bad day. Or rather - a few hours of panic. I just got my big bunch of drugs from FedEx a few hours ago. I thought I'd be all excited just to have everything here in the house. Then I opened the box and discovered the 22 gauge, 1.5 inch intramuscular needles. I feel sick just thinking about it. God I hope that's only for one shot. But they sent 40 needles in that size. What the hell have I gotten myself into? They're seriously as long as my pinky. I REALLY hope J isn't the one that has to give those to me. If I've got somebody sticking something in me THAT big, I'd like them to have a dr degree hanging on their wall. I'd also like to have a bottle of wine first. You know what...I'm going to ask if I can drink a glass before the big shots. What the hell, right? I'm pumping my body full of so many other toxins just to GET pregnant...a glass of wine might be healthier.
Our next doc appointment is on Thursday - we're supposed to take all our drugs (and needles) with us so they can show us how to use them. I got 42 vials of Bravelle (that's my next drug)...I thought I was only supposed to be on that for 5-7 days. I don't get what's going on here. If that doctor lied to me about the number of needles I'm going to hunt him down like an animal. I'm totally confused by this massive box of meds I have...came with lots of pills too...one for diabetes (maybe to keep fluid off my organs?), one for pain, one for allergies, one of them is for depression...what? I'm sure they'll clear all this up at the appointment, but right now it seems very scary. They also prescribed me prenatal vitamins. Kind of wish they'd asked me about that first...I already had a fav that I'd like to stick with. Maybe I can get a new prescription at the appointment.
You want to hear something really disgusting? The hCG hormone they're giving me to stimulate my ovaries...it's from pregnant human urine. Great...I'll take two. Well, at least I have THAT thought in my head to distract me from the inch and a half long needle that will inject it into my rear-end.
Timeline for the egg harvesting is somewhere around the 26th or 27th of this month. They'll be monitoring my hormone levels right around Turkey Day...and they'll decide on the exact date probably last minute. Implantation will be 3-5 days later. And I get to go in for the preg test 2 weeks from that day. So everything's going to happen end of this month - first few days of December. I can't wait for December to get here so it's all over....I've never wanted to wish time away as much as I do this month. I'll just try to focus on Christmas. Or the mid-December preg test...although I'm sure I'll end up with an ulcer waiting for the day I can take that.
I actually got a good night's sleep last night...had weird dreams, but don't remember them and J said he only had to wake me up once. And I'm feeling a zillion times better today. Yesterday I spent the whole day just trying not to fall asleep....I also had some swelling in my hands and knees...but today, not at all. Another weird thing - the shot i'm getting goes just below the belly button and then a teeny bit to the left or right (so you can switch side every night). For whatever reason - when I get the shot on my right side, I get REALLY woosy afterwards. The first time it happened within minutes I was seeing black spots and had to lay down. 5 minutes later - totally fine. Same thing happened last night, only it took about 5 minutes to kick in. He shot me, we went to the video store and I just about fell on my face. Had to sit in the car a few minutes to get my head back on. It was so weird...I felt fine afterwards. Fainting is also one of the side effects....so I don't know if it actually has anything to do with the right-side of my tummy or not. But very weird. The fluid-on-the-organ-drugs don't start until a few days before the egg harvesting (and I think it's only one injection). So believe me, I'll be on the lookout for that super-crazy stuff. I'll probably just start camping out at the emergency room door just in case.
I'm also have some serious food issues. As in - I can't stop eating. I wake up in the middle of the night hungry. Last night...I ate a half jar of pickles. Ok, that is SUCH a pregnancy craving...I have many more needles to go before I want weird foods like that. I only remembered to mention that because I'm currently STARVING. I just had a huge lunch like 2 hours ago and I've got dinner on the brain right now. It's very weird for me...on a normal basis, I eat small portions. I'm shoving down tons of food at one sitting...and then still hungry later. Haven't gained any weight (yet) though. My body must be working overtime with all the drugs I've got going on.
Our next doc appointment is on Thursday - we're supposed to take all our drugs (and needles) with us so they can show us how to use them. I got 42 vials of Bravelle (that's my next drug)...I thought I was only supposed to be on that for 5-7 days. I don't get what's going on here. If that doctor lied to me about the number of needles I'm going to hunt him down like an animal. I'm totally confused by this massive box of meds I have...came with lots of pills too...one for diabetes (maybe to keep fluid off my organs?), one for pain, one for allergies, one of them is for depression...what? I'm sure they'll clear all this up at the appointment, but right now it seems very scary. They also prescribed me prenatal vitamins. Kind of wish they'd asked me about that first...I already had a fav that I'd like to stick with. Maybe I can get a new prescription at the appointment.
You want to hear something really disgusting? The hCG hormone they're giving me to stimulate my ovaries...it's from pregnant human urine. Great...I'll take two. Well, at least I have THAT thought in my head to distract me from the inch and a half long needle that will inject it into my rear-end.
Timeline for the egg harvesting is somewhere around the 26th or 27th of this month. They'll be monitoring my hormone levels right around Turkey Day...and they'll decide on the exact date probably last minute. Implantation will be 3-5 days later. And I get to go in for the preg test 2 weeks from that day. So everything's going to happen end of this month - first few days of December. I can't wait for December to get here so it's all over....I've never wanted to wish time away as much as I do this month. I'll just try to focus on Christmas. Or the mid-December preg test...although I'm sure I'll end up with an ulcer waiting for the day I can take that.
I actually got a good night's sleep last night...had weird dreams, but don't remember them and J said he only had to wake me up once. And I'm feeling a zillion times better today. Yesterday I spent the whole day just trying not to fall asleep....I also had some swelling in my hands and knees...but today, not at all. Another weird thing - the shot i'm getting goes just below the belly button and then a teeny bit to the left or right (so you can switch side every night). For whatever reason - when I get the shot on my right side, I get REALLY woosy afterwards. The first time it happened within minutes I was seeing black spots and had to lay down. 5 minutes later - totally fine. Same thing happened last night, only it took about 5 minutes to kick in. He shot me, we went to the video store and I just about fell on my face. Had to sit in the car a few minutes to get my head back on. It was so weird...I felt fine afterwards. Fainting is also one of the side effects....so I don't know if it actually has anything to do with the right-side of my tummy or not. But very weird. The fluid-on-the-organ-drugs don't start until a few days before the egg harvesting (and I think it's only one injection). So believe me, I'll be on the lookout for that super-crazy stuff. I'll probably just start camping out at the emergency room door just in case.
I'm also have some serious food issues. As in - I can't stop eating. I wake up in the middle of the night hungry. Last night...I ate a half jar of pickles. Ok, that is SUCH a pregnancy craving...I have many more needles to go before I want weird foods like that. I only remembered to mention that because I'm currently STARVING. I just had a huge lunch like 2 hours ago and I've got dinner on the brain right now. It's very weird for me...on a normal basis, I eat small portions. I'm shoving down tons of food at one sitting...and then still hungry later. Haven't gained any weight (yet) though. My body must be working overtime with all the drugs I've got going on.
Monday, November 6, 2006
The world of Lupron
Last night was my third Lupron injection. Which apparently, in the new world of Lupron which I now exist in, is Side Effect Day. Side effects kick in after the 2nd or 3rd injection. They weren’t kidding. The one SE that J was freaked out about was the night terrors. You know…where you wake up paralyzed, screaming in a complete panic attack where it takes you 20 minutes to calm down. Then you wake up with total amnesia and have no idea it happened. The thought of that happening kind of cracks me up…I can just imagine J's reaction to THAT! I get the good end of that…I won’t remember it ever happened.
Well, luckily for DH, I just had bizarre nightmares all night long…not terrors. Actually - not sure that I’d call them actual nightmares…more disturbing than scary really. He said I woke up around 2, announced I was starving…then proceeded to fall back to sleep. 20 minutes later I’m thrashing around mumbling in my sleep…he wakes me up. I was dreaming that I was standing in a cow field with a knife & fork, just chopping into this cow while it was grazing. Like I said…disturbing.
All in all, he said he had to wake me up about 6 or 7 times last night because I was kicking or moaning or talking (and at one point laughing). Don't remember all the dreams (there was the cow...then a dog eating my feet...lots of hazy-weird-drug induced dreams that I don't remember after that). So needless to say, I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night. Neither did J….in fact, he was probably worse off.
I think the main problem with sleep is that I’m so freakin’ uncomfortable. Every time I move I end up with this pain in my chest…or my boobs feel like they’re going to fall off. So that’s probably the main cause of the moaning.
Only other side effect I’ve had is the mood swings. I was REALLY scared of this one…but the mood swings I’ve had have been GOOD mood swings. I’ll just be sitting there and all of a sudden I’m so freakin’ happy I’ll either start crying…or I just walk around in this euphoric daze. The movie “The Rock” was on TV last night…and when Nicholas Cage got pulled out of the water by Sean Connery, I was pumping my first in the air yelling “WOOHOO!!” and tears were flowing. J looked terrified.
Other than my weirdness, things are going fine. J did the first injection (all by his little self!) on Friday. He was more nervous than I was…ended up dropping the first syringe on the floor. He practiced on a lemon…then shot me in the stomach. Hurt like hell. He was trying to be “gentle” by doing it slowly…that didn’t work out for either of us. We were BOTH in tears by the time it was over. Saturday he threw that shot in me like a lawn dart…didn’t hurt at all. So we’ve got the injections down. Unfortunately, with the next phase of drugs…the needles get bigger. Stupid doctors.
We broke down and told our parents about it this weekend. The scary drugs and the surgeries are going to take place around Thanksgiving…so we’re probably not going to be able to do much with our fams for the holidays. Plus, just in case something happens and J has to tell them I’m in the ER…didn’t want him to have to go through the whole stupid story (always the optimist, I know). So the surprise is off…but at least my ‘rents are in the know.
Our next doc appointment is on the 9th. The rest of my drugs arrive tomorrow, so I’ve got to take them in with us so the doc can go over the next steps. J and I both had the rest of our “genetic testing” (so weird to say that) done last week and we’re hoping they’ll have our results in by our appointment Thursday. We’ll also have to sign our lives away with the consent forms they’ve given us. Holy crap, is that stuff scary.
All THAT aside…I have the most insane week for work ahead of me. Lowe’s is here as I type installing the last of the cabinets. Can’t wait until life is “normal” again…I feel like I’ve forgotten what that’s like. I wish so badly that I could just take the next month off of work to take care of myself and concentrate on all this. Everything else going on in my life just feels like background noise compared to IVF….it’s really consuming every ounce of brain power and energy I have right now. Well, at least Turkey Day IS coming up…that’s a few days off work if nothing else.
Well, luckily for DH, I just had bizarre nightmares all night long…not terrors. Actually - not sure that I’d call them actual nightmares…more disturbing than scary really. He said I woke up around 2, announced I was starving…then proceeded to fall back to sleep. 20 minutes later I’m thrashing around mumbling in my sleep…he wakes me up. I was dreaming that I was standing in a cow field with a knife & fork, just chopping into this cow while it was grazing. Like I said…disturbing.
All in all, he said he had to wake me up about 6 or 7 times last night because I was kicking or moaning or talking (and at one point laughing). Don't remember all the dreams (there was the cow...then a dog eating my feet...lots of hazy-weird-drug induced dreams that I don't remember after that). So needless to say, I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night. Neither did J….in fact, he was probably worse off.
I think the main problem with sleep is that I’m so freakin’ uncomfortable. Every time I move I end up with this pain in my chest…or my boobs feel like they’re going to fall off. So that’s probably the main cause of the moaning.
Only other side effect I’ve had is the mood swings. I was REALLY scared of this one…but the mood swings I’ve had have been GOOD mood swings. I’ll just be sitting there and all of a sudden I’m so freakin’ happy I’ll either start crying…or I just walk around in this euphoric daze. The movie “The Rock” was on TV last night…and when Nicholas Cage got pulled out of the water by Sean Connery, I was pumping my first in the air yelling “WOOHOO!!” and tears were flowing. J looked terrified.
Other than my weirdness, things are going fine. J did the first injection (all by his little self!) on Friday. He was more nervous than I was…ended up dropping the first syringe on the floor. He practiced on a lemon…then shot me in the stomach. Hurt like hell. He was trying to be “gentle” by doing it slowly…that didn’t work out for either of us. We were BOTH in tears by the time it was over. Saturday he threw that shot in me like a lawn dart…didn’t hurt at all. So we’ve got the injections down. Unfortunately, with the next phase of drugs…the needles get bigger. Stupid doctors.
We broke down and told our parents about it this weekend. The scary drugs and the surgeries are going to take place around Thanksgiving…so we’re probably not going to be able to do much with our fams for the holidays. Plus, just in case something happens and J has to tell them I’m in the ER…didn’t want him to have to go through the whole stupid story (always the optimist, I know). So the surprise is off…but at least my ‘rents are in the know.
Our next doc appointment is on the 9th. The rest of my drugs arrive tomorrow, so I’ve got to take them in with us so the doc can go over the next steps. J and I both had the rest of our “genetic testing” (so weird to say that) done last week and we’re hoping they’ll have our results in by our appointment Thursday. We’ll also have to sign our lives away with the consent forms they’ve given us. Holy crap, is that stuff scary.
All THAT aside…I have the most insane week for work ahead of me. Lowe’s is here as I type installing the last of the cabinets. Can’t wait until life is “normal” again…I feel like I’ve forgotten what that’s like. I wish so badly that I could just take the next month off of work to take care of myself and concentrate on all this. Everything else going on in my life just feels like background noise compared to IVF….it’s really consuming every ounce of brain power and energy I have right now. Well, at least Turkey Day IS coming up…that’s a few days off work if nothing else.
Friday, November 3, 2006
The Miracle Drugs....
Well, my drugs just arrived. And apparently the Medical Establishment has a different definition of "small needle" than I do. See, when they told me "small needle", I pictured something thin as a hair, and short, short. I was hoping it would feel like a mosquito bite. You know...maybe J could just give it to my in my sleep and I'd never know. Yeah, that's not what the evil UPS man just delivered. Ok, I'll give them this...the needles are smaller that what the lab used on me last night to extract NINE vials of blood. But for needles that will be making themselves at home in my abdoment for the next 3 weeks...they're not as small as I was hoping. Sigh.
But on a positive note...not all, but a good portion of those drugs that will be gettin' me knocked up now live in my refrigerator...kind of exciting to be the in same room with these miracle drugs.
The next phase of needles haven't been ordered yet (I'm in a vicious battle to the death with my insurance company...and they're winning). I'm supposed to have them by the 9th (I hope).
Well, that's the update. Injections start tonight. I'm told in a few days my tummy will start to resemble a roadmap. Yay.
But on a positive note...not all, but a good portion of those drugs that will be gettin' me knocked up now live in my refrigerator...kind of exciting to be the in same room with these miracle drugs.
The next phase of needles haven't been ordered yet (I'm in a vicious battle to the death with my insurance company...and they're winning). I'm supposed to have them by the 9th (I hope).
Well, that's the update. Injections start tonight. I'm told in a few days my tummy will start to resemble a roadmap. Yay.
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