I know, it's been a while....

...and all I'm posting is a link. Here's a new flip to IVF.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article4232383.ece

Diving In

J and I talked about this "everything-breaking" virus that we seem to have caught. We've decided to bite the bullet, do a home equity - replace the furnace in addition to a long list of crap that needs to be done.

We can't seem to get anything remodeled around here because everytime you turn around - a pipe busts, the basement's got water issues, the gutter's rotting off the house. There's a very long list of crap that the previous owners did not attend to and if we don't get them taken care of soon, they're going to end up being very expensive projects.

So, we're diving in....

Wine anyone?

So after a week of living without AC in temperatures hovering around 98, we finally found somebody to come on short notice. My two new best friends arrived at 8am this morning and didn't leave until after 11. They basically duct taped our AC back together. It's a temporary fix - our furnace needs to be replaced. THE FURNACE.

If ever meet the people that used to live here, I'm beating their asses. Seriously, we've had at lest 5 pipes bust, we stil have a non-working bathroom, we have a gutter that is rotting off the house, we have mold (or at least we did), we had to waterproof the basement...at least 10 other very expensive things that I'm too brain-damanged from the heat to remember...and now....THE FURNACE. The estimate for the cheap one: $3,000. I will not be buying the cheap one.

I'm told the current duct-tape temporary situation is only going to give us enough time to shop for a new one - a month at most. And I have my doubts about that. With both systems cranking like a mother, it has taken 3 hours for the temp to come down 2 degrees in this house. It's still hot as hell, only now I owe some AC dudes like $400 for their work this morning.

And J's "new" car? After TWO DAYS of driving it - it needs to go to the garage. It doesn't start very well and it has just cut off a few times.

The Jeep's check-engine light is on - THAT needs to go to the garage.

And IVF IS EXPENSIVE (I feel like screaming that out the window right now!)!!
!#$%?^!#%&#$*!#$&!#$!*!#$*&(*%

All this crap is cutting into my wine habit and it's really starting to piss me off.

Again with the babies everywhere....

My sister-in-law gave birth Wednesday night. I just found out (through my mother who just found out). Isn't that screwed up?

"Oh. Kid's 4 days old. Yeah. We're over it."

WTF?

My brother. 23 years old. Two kids.

I'll never understand how this shit works.

Thank you sir, may I have another?

So, I've been back at home for a few days and have already done some drinking even Brittany Spears would be proud of. We've decided to take the summer off from Infertility Land and try again in September.

Things seem to fuck up so easily for us, it's like we're out for a world record or something. Honestly, even the doctor is shocked at how stupid-shit-prone we are. And after all the medical disasters, here's what else happened over the course of - oh, 3 days. Most of this is a repeat, but well, it's my blog and I feel like bitching:

J's car died. And I mean died during the climax of all this fertility shit. But only after the garage that we took it to for an estimate fixed the AC (and charged us for it), then shoved us out the door saying the car needed to go directly to the dump. Why the fuck would they fix the AC on a piece of shit?? Unfortunlatey J was so blindsided by it and dealing with all this fertility crap on top of that, it didn't even occur to him to be pissed until 2 days later. The good news - J's parents were in the midst of buying a new car during this, so instead of trading in their car, they traded in ours - we're paying them the difference of the trade-in and taking their old car. Ask me how much they got for our vehicle! 300 bucks....I told them we should've syphoned the gas tank first. But at least J has wheels again.

Our other vehicle needs to be serviced for...something. During my multiple times a day trips into NOVA, the check-engine light came on. We just had it serviced the week before I went up there. Seems to be fine, but you know...WE own it, so it probably needs a new engine.

It's 98 degrees outside and our AC in the house broke. We have dual zones in this place - BOTH not working. It's probably something as simple as a charge, but the earliest appointment to get it fixed? The 16th. Working from home when it's 103 degrees inside ROCKS. I'm waiting for my computer to melt so I can replace THAT.

Small, but what a pain in the ass - my cell phone needs to be replaced. Fucker stopped holding a charge - and seeing how it's at least 6 years old (I really hate buying phones...it's like going to the DMV for me), I can't just get a new battery. If it weren't for work, I'd just throw it away. For some reason after all the other crap that's gone wrong lately, this one pisses me off the most.

My weekend plans involve more drinking and concentrating really hard on all the silver linings: If my house falls down that just means less cleaning, right??

My Superman Doctor

Can I just take a moment here to sing the praises of my incredibly wonderful doctor? It's not often that you hear somebody talking about how great their fertility doctor is when treatments continue to not work, but....

The man just called me. From his cell phone. On his day off. The reason? He said we had been on his mind the last two days and he just wanted to call and make sure we were both ok. Just typing it makes me tear up. Can I tell you how wonderful it is to be treated like a human being during this? It makes me hate my last doctor all that more.

I told him we were going to take a few months off and probably get started again in September. He thought that was a great idea and told me that we should blow off some steam this summer and party it up (I assured him that was not going to be a problem....and now that it has officially be "presribed", we're more than all over it).

I also told him my idea of doing a little "homework" this summer on my off time. My ideas: Basal temp charts, OV kits from CVS and bloodwork on Days 11 & 12 to monitor my LH surge and maybe get a better grasp of it for next time. He seemed to think it was all a little unnecessary. I ovulate normally and all the temp charts will do is confirm that (again). He said the ovulation kits really just register when your LH hits around 12 - which mine consistently hovers at right before my surge...so really those stupid things are only good for the fertile people of the world that can't count (Day 14...have sex y'all). He said the bloodwork might be a good thing to have as a comparision for the next cycle, but he also mentioned that my last two natural cycles were "consistently different." Different because I'm such a quick surger, that literally a few hours difference in when my blood was drawn would make it all useless. So...I'm still making my mind up with the bloodwork. We'd have to pay totally out of pocket - which I don't mind if it will help. But if it's not going to be that useful later on, do I really want to be that involved with trips to the lab for my "summer off", or is it better from a mental perspective to really forget this crap for a few months? I'm still deciding. I'm 60% for the bloodwork anyway, 40% against it. I'll decide later.

Anyway, I probably stayed on the phone with him for a good 15 minutes. I just can't say enough about how sensitive and understanding he is.

OH...he spoke with another of the doctors at the clinic and it turns out that they have had another "remote patient" before. Some chick from the Eastern Shore used their clinic (took her 5 cycles before they were able to harvest...damn the timing issues of Natural Cycle). They were able to work it out where she did her ultrasound/bloodwork from home and didn't have to be in Arlington until the critical few days before her retrieval. My doc said he was going to do a little more research on that and get back to me. The bloodwork is a cinch - we're really close to a LabCorp (which is who does their bloodwork)....if they can just work something out for my ultrasounds, we'll be set.

That would be fantastic! I told him I really underestimated how hard it would be without J being around. The first NC, wasn't too bad because all the critical stuff at the clinic fell on a weekend, so J was with me during all of it. But this time it was during the week and J gets hardly any vacation time....I was on my own. Hopefully they'll be able to work something out - that would be a huge weight off my shoulders.

In the meantime I think I'm still going to set up an appointment to talk to the doc in the next fews weeks. I wasn't expecting him to call, so I wasn't organized. I still have some questions/concerns, but I need to get them down on paper before we talk again. Also - I'm wondering, if I'm such a quick surger - is there any kind of drug I can take to slow that? Tiny doses of Lupron? Any alternatives? I need to do a little research before I set up my appointment.

One thing he did say which kind of raised a red flag for me, was my follicle was on the small side when I surged (18.6mm). It was 19mm the first time (you're supposed to be close to 20-21). He said that sometimes if the follicle is still small when you surge, it could lead to an immature egg. But then he also said that some women just have smaller follicles, they surge quickly, and their bodies are just able to spit out mature eggs and that's just the way their system works.

During our 2 conventional IVF cycles, the doc guessed at the reason they didn't work was egg immaturity. Of course conventional IVF vs NCIVF is apples/oranges...it's just one more thing I need to talk to the doc about.

And if there IS a drug that will delay the LH surge, would that help with maturity - give the follicle more time to grow?

Loads of questions more to ask......

Our IVF Refractory Period

We're surprisingly good today. Or maybe that's not surprising - as J so poignantly stated last night: "Getting over failed IVF attempts is kind of our speciality".

Here is what we have decided: We're taking 2-3 months off. I have a camping trip in August that I want to go on, Labor Day we're off to Chicago for a wedding, so probably right after that, we'll get started again. In the meantime I'm going to set up an appointment with my doc - hopefully next week to come up with a plan of attack for next time. What I'm going to propose is, on this break, I'll to do the basal temp charts again, I'm going to get an ovulation kit - I'm tracking everything.

I'm going to see if the doc will send me to the lab here in town for the 2-3 days prior to ovulation so I can have bloodwork done, so we can also track my hormone levels during that critical time during the cycle. That way when I go up there next, he will have several months that he can use as comparison for my next attempt.

I'll be taking a break from treatments, but doing a little homework at the same time, which will make me feel like I'm not just sitting on my ass doing nothing, all the while I'm drinking and de-stressing and only being minimally "bothered" by fertility crap.

You know - even though the cycle was a bust, there's something about living on pins and needles for weeks on end. Despite the crappy outcome, there's always a degree of relief to waking up The Day After and knowing that huge important pieces of your life aren't hanging by a thread. Or at least that was my first thought when my alarm went off today: "Man, our IVF refractory period gets shorter and shorter everytime...."

Game Over

The doctor just called - yesterday afternoon's bloodwork showed my LH surged prior to the trigger shot. At first, he suggested that we retrieve this afternoon. So I called J and got him on the road up here.

Then the doc called back again - he had spoken with the other doctors and as it turns out - they have a strict policy where they don't retrieve after an LH surge - even if they get the egg - they haven't had very good results. So their thinking - is why put me through the risk of a harvesting for such slim chances. Me? I was all about it...but was outvoted by the doctors. So I had to call J and tell him to make a u-turn and go back to work.

Cycle's over....I'm going home this afternoon and plan to medicate liberally with alcohol.

labs

my LH was up yesterday afternoon which means i will ovulate before my retrieval tomorrow. we're trying to arrange to do it today....but j is 4 hours away. fuck.

Words of Wisdom (from the last few days)

Compliments of my grandfather:
1. "I hope J doesn't fall in love with jerking off."
2. (As I'm explaining the latest results while my grandfather looks beyond puzzled): "So when does J need to jerk off?" Apparently he's obsessed with the idea of a porn room somewhere in a doctor's office.
3. The sweetest and most sincere: "It just doesn't seem right..." He said with a very long pause which made me think that he was contemplating the idea of a baby being grown in a lab. Then he finished with: "You guys would make dynamite parents." Which led to me crying.
4. "Good luck, sweetheart." He said with more sincerity that I've ever seen as we rushed out the door to my second bloodwork appointment yesterday.


Compliments of my grandmother:
1. "I haven't given anybody a shot in at least 50 years." She said right after giving me my Novarel last night.
2. "You know - they should put adoption agencies right next to fertility clinics." She said this morning as we were standing in like with 5 other women waiting for the fertility clinic to open. Thankfully she said it quietly. Oy.
3. "Just hold my hand, everything's going to be ok." She said as my emotions got the best of me this morning. As usual, she was right.
4. "Can she have a shot of vodka at least?" She said to the nurse this morning after I was told tomorrow's IV would have to be in my arm. Surprisingly, the nurse said "Go ahead honey and have one today...I won't tell anybody."

This morning's appointment

My ultrasound looked good this morning - follicle is measuring at 18.6mm. The bloodwork I had done yesterday afternoon won't be back until around 1 - my bloodwork from this morning should be back at the same time.

As long as there was no LH in yesterday afternoon's b/w, I will most like make it to harvesting tomorrow without ovulating.

In other uncomfortable news: my ass is sore and my veins are shot. They jabbed me 3 times this morning before they got blood. I managed to squit blood across the room when they removed the needle - that's a new one for me. Gross. And OW. The backs of my hands are so sore it hurts to type.

Tomorrow I'm told they have to put the IV in my arm. Honestly, I have phobia of being touched there - a real phobia. My grandmother went with me again this morning and just thought I was being stubborn getting my blood done...until the nurse told me they'd have to get it from my arm and the waterworks started (in my defense, I'm stressed and I'm tired and I'm so ready to go home in addition to just being a wimp). The nurse (finally) realized that the crook of my arm is more than just me being a pain in the ass. (I'm weird, I get it.) So they finally jabbed and jabbed and got blood from my hand. But for tomorrow - it's in the arm. Frickity frick frick frick. At least I'll be on valium prior to the IV. Well, assuming I make it to the IVF.

More later when I hear back from the lab.
I'm so tired...getting up at 4:30 every morning is beyond old.

Shot through the heart (or...um....ass)

My trigger shot is done and overwith (phew!). My grandmother shot me up this go 'round. As soon as she took the needle out, she says: "I haven't done that in 50 years." Really glad she didn't share that information beforehand.

J was a nervous wreck sitting by the phone waiting for me to call him right after. So I got to spend 10 minutes calming him down. He is really having a hard time not being here during this. He's coming tomorrow night - I can't wait to see him.

Off to bed - the Big doctor appointment is tomorrow at 7am.
Go Underdog!

From Zero to Sixty...

It all gets a bit confusing and I'm a little befuddled myself to explain it properly, so I'll try my best:

I got off the phone with the clinic around 1:30 (I was trying to catch a little cat nap and of course they called just as I hit some serious dozing). I was still half asleep and I came downstairs told my grandmother that I had to get back to the clinic. She jumps up from reading her book - tosses it across the room, grabs her purse, her keys and before I'm even able to finish my yawn I hear her start the car in the garage. You've never seen a 70-something lady move that fast.

I didn't mean to sound the hounds THAT quickly, but apparently she's more caught up in this stuff than I thought. Hilarious.

She also has a bit of a lead foot. Not so hilarious. I had to remind her that, you know - I have to be alive for IVF to work. I mean they can grow great-grand babies in the lab...but they haven't perfected that whole 9-months thing yet.

I got there - doc took me right away. My grandmother (who accompanied me to my appointment this morning) is fascinated - and equally baffled - by this whole process. The doctor was very sweet and pointed out everything on the ultrasound for her. She was enthralled - and on the way home regaled me with stories from her youth when she was training to be a nurse. In fact, she gave pointers to the nurse who came to take my blood. She has no idea what LH is, but she was in her element. She'll be giving me my trigger shot tonight.

Trigger shot, you say? Oh, did I skip that part of the story?
Here's the technicals:

They took more blood this afternoon - but because they have to send their blood to the lab, they won't have the results back until the morning. My morning bloodwork showed my LH to be at 14. How it works is, LH (Leutenizing hormone) gives the final maturity to the egg and it also surges at a certain point in your cycle and triggers ovulation. So the first few days of your cycle, it hovers around 4 or 5. Then it will pop up to 10 to 12 and chill there, then very quickly it hits around 50. So when my morning hormones came back at 14, the doc called me back in. I'm on the high side of LH - and it looks like I'm about to surge.

If your LH surges prior to your Novarel injection (aka "The Trigger Shot"), then you're screwed. So what you're trying to do is get as close to that surge as possible and trigger (the shot) before your body does. Once you trigger (either by injection, or naturally), then you ovulate approximately 36 hours later. So the idea is, if you trigger via injection, then they go in for the egg after 34 hours and get it. It's entirely a timing thing. A game of chicken - get as close to the surge as you can so the egg is mature, trigger manually so you can time it OR wait too long, your body triggers, you have no control, egg ovulates prematurely, I go home and drink.

Based on the fact that my LH is a tad on the high side, I will be taking my trigger shot tonight at 9:30. My egg harvesting is scheduled for Wednesday at 7:30am. Now the screwy part is - since I had blood taken this afternoon I won't get those results back tomorrow morning. If my LH comes back high....then we'll know that I triggered too late and yes...I go home and drink. If my LH results come back and are still around 14, then it will appear that my triggering tonight was good timing.

In a sense, as I sit here typing, this cycle has already been determined. Either my bloodwork from about 3:30 this afternoon will show a surge or it won't. I'll find out tomorrow morning at 7am.

In the meantime, I have the pain-in-my-ass injection coming. My grandmother (that nurse's training is coming in handy!) will be shooting me up tonight. J is coming in tomorrow night - unless of course they cancel my cycle in the morning.

There are a gazillion things that have to go right in the next 12 hours, but I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Compared to my cycle in April, my follicle is a little smaller (still at 17mm, compared to 19mm in April). My LH is higher - BUT, my estradiol is lower. Based on the estradiol...I don't think I'll surge before tonight. We'll see though. I'm still feeling action in my abdomen - but nothing too intense yet.

Keep your fingers and toes crossed. Tomorrow is D-Day and boy I'm sick of needles.

Yikes

The clinic just called and they want me to come back in for another round of bloodwork/ultrasound this afternoon. Apparently my levels shot up super quick and they're afraid I'm going to ovulate.

Follicle was at 17mm this morning. Usually they wait until it's at least 19 before you trigger.

Shit....now things are happening way too fast.