I guess you really can't count out the underdog...

The doctor diagnosed me with "A Watched Pot Never Boils Syndrome."

Lo and behold we've got a follicle measuring at 13mm, estradiol is up to 73, progesterone 0.3 and LH at 5.6. For whatever reason I'm behind where I should be on the calendar, but hormones vs. follicle size is normal and on the rise. No idea what the hold up was, but we're back in the game.

We even did a little dance after my ultrasound this morning.

Next doctor's appointment is Monday. J is going home tomorrow night - he'll head back up here when it's time for the retrieval.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

J's car broke down yesterday.

When I say broke down, what I mean is, it's running, but the garage told us to say our goodbyes. It's a crappy commuter car, that would be worth about 20-bucks as a trade in. This is not a surprise. But what shitty pain in the ass timing.

The ridiculous part? J dropped it off yesterday afternoon for an estimate and told them that while they were working on it to go ahead and fix the AC (hasn't worked in a year). So instead of calling to tell him what was wrong with the car first before they did any work to it, they fixed the AC and then told us the car would only last another few weeks. Ass. Holes. We dropped $170 into a car that's next drive is towards the junkyard.

Actually, now that I think about it, why the hell did we pay that? My head's so wrapped around what's going on with my ovaries that it didn't occur to me until just now to tell them to go fuck themselves.

Ugh...I have a phone call to make this morning.

Beware the wrath of the IVF scorned...

The Ovarian Daily News

I had this aching, dull pain in my abdomen all afternoon. It feels a bit like it does when I ovulate, only not as intense. And it was just for a few hours...as opposed to when I ovulate, it usually lasts a good 24 hours.

Curious as to what they'll discover on Saturday...also ready to be put out of my misery and go home.

Random thoughts from the last 24 hours:

1. If only I could kick myself in the ovaries....
2. Seriously? No. SERIOUSLY!?!
3. I'm exhausted.
4. I'm so pissed off.
5. If that doctor charges us $1k for two days worth of bloodwork, I'll kill myself.
6. Becoming the neighbor Cat Lady is starting to sound good.
7. I want to go home.
8. Hey, maybe this is the underdog egg that comes back from the brink of disaster and becomes the kid I ground until I'm dead.
9. Wow, that was one stupid, hopeful thought.
10. Fuck hopeful.
11. Why am I not in the car going home?
12. I'm so exhausted.
13. We've really wasted our lives in the last few years.
14. We've wasted so much money.
15. If Paris Hilton ever has a kid, they're going to have to put me away for a long, long time.
16. I miss my husband.
17. I miss my dog.
18. I miss my bed.
19. Fuck DC traffic.
20. I miss my commute.
21. I miss being 21 when my biggest worry was getting pregnant.
22. Speaking of 21, I miss alcohol.
23. Is it possible to win the lottery without actually wasting money on a ticket?
24. Oh my god, gas is how much?
25. Fuck Bush, I can't wait to read McClellan's book.
26. What's up with nurse not being able to find a vein (again).
27. Fuck this nurse, man.
28. Seriously, I'm going to stab her with that needle in a minute.
29. Yo doc, maybe if you hadn't bruised my internals with that ultrasound wand, we'd still be friends...and maybe my shit would be working.
30. Why isn't my shit working?
31. The IVF drugs have finally and permamently fucked me up. I'm so pissed at myself for taking them.
32. This is my worst nightmare.
33. We can conqure male infertility, but I can't handle anymore fertility problems...I'm obviously not a miracle-worker.
34. Try not to freak out and wait for Saturday's results...remember the underdog theory.
35. Fuck Saturday...I'm so close to giving up.

Theories

There was much discussion between the docs about my ovaries today. They went back and forth trying to decide if they should just cancel me now, or retest.

They decided to drag out my agony a few more days and retest on Saturday. Part of me just wants to say "fuck it" and go home. Seriously, we can't get pregnant when IVF goes right - how the shit is this gonna work?

I guess in my brain, IVF has already ended and Saturday is a check-up to see what the fuck is wrong with me. No one has a clue right now, but here are...

The Theories:

Novarel can screw up your cycle a little bit
The doc's theory: It shouldn't cause this many issues though.
My hopeful theory: Benadryl puts me into weeklong comas, and one Tylenol is a cure for broken bones...my body overreacts to shit - plain and simple. This is my normal.
My actual theory: My body has shut down because I allowed myself to be injected with god-knows-what-drugs - this is the Universe saying "I told you so". We will never have kids.

Maybe Novarel did mess up your timing, and your body is just trying to catch up
The doc's theory: On Saturday, your levels could be much higher.
My hopefuly theory: On Saturday I'm exactly where I should be to trigger, we harvest on Monday. In 9 months - the party's at my house.
My actual theory: The ultrasound will show that my ovaries have left the building never to be seen again.

This is a one time thing brought on by stress, and leftover hormones, next month you'll be fine.
The doc's theory: Next month I'll be getting more money out of her.
My hopeful theory: There won't be a next month because I'll be knocked up.
My actual theory: I've hit menopause and am forever barren.

Maybe you miscalculated your cycle.
The doc's theory: Jesus, this woman can't even fucking count.
My hopefuly theory: That I really am that stupid.
My actual theory: I recounted the days 17 fucking times, even Skeet Ulrich could tell you I'm screwed.

I hate it when I'm right

Something is seriously the fuck wrong.

The clinic just called - my estradiol is at 54 and progesterone is at 0.6. These levels are perfectly normal - for Day 2. The nurse who called thought this was my baseline test. I had to remind her that this isn't baseline, this is Day 8 (they let me skip baseline because I live so far away).

She's checking with the doctor to see what we should do. As it stands, they don't want to see me again until Monday. Or at all? I don't know.

I feel like this is my body's retribution for me fucking with it for so long.

I've IVF'd myself infertile.

Greetings from our Nation's Capital

As always, I procrastinated in packing. Yeterday was a blur of me frantically cramming all the crap I own into the back of my car - only to get here and realize I left the damn syringes at home. No biggie - I only need one for the Novarel, which (as it turns out) might be a while.

This morning was my first appointment - they did an ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm a bit concerned about this cycle already. Today would technically be Day 8, at this point they should be measuring my follicle - but as of my appointment, everything was still so small the doc couldn't even determine which side I was ovulating from (it should be from my left side - since that's where it was 2 months ago).

My period was totally screwed up last week - came early, stopped, started...very strange for me. My labwork/hormone levels won't be in until this afternoon - so hopefully that will shed some light on what's going on. Based on my ultrasound though, the doctor said I wouldn't have to be in the clinic again until Saturday. Assuming my bloodwork is on par with that, then I will probably head back home tonight, and come back to DC super early Saturday morning.

BTW - damn the price of gas.

I'm trying not to worry too much about the ultrasound - who knows, maybe my body is just working really slowly - which (I keep telling myself) could be a good thing, because then hopefully I won't ovulate before my retrieval, and that He-Man (or She-Ra) egg will be ridiculously healthy and I'll be popping out the world's bouncing-est baby in 9 months.

Time will tell. Although unfortunately, my intuition usually seems to be right...and I'm not digging what's happening so far.

Let the games begin...

I'm heading out the door for DC in just a few minutes. Trying to figure out what is going to cost us more - IVF, or the gas driving up to the clinic each morning.

My first appointment is at 7am tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Day 1 (um...again).

After a screwy few days where my body stopped, then started, then stopped again - things are finally on track and happening.

I talked to my IVF coordinator a little bit ago and we've decided (after flipping through numerous calendards, breaking out the calculator combined with some un-educated guessing) that today is my Day 1.

Seriously, my body = not normal right now. Not sure why. My coordinator talked to the doctor about it and he told us not to worry - sometimes Novarel just trips you up a bit. They'll just have to keep a good idea on my levels and ultrasounds (like they weren't already?).

In the meantime - this weekend is Memorial Day Weekend. Our annual camping trip is still on (phew!) and I couldn't be more excited about it. I can't tell you how glad I am that we still get to go - one last chance to kick back before getting back into treatments. I've got a good book, a big tent and I'm ready to sit my ass by the lake and chill for a few days.

Huh.

So the monthly visitor showed up last night. 5 days early. Last month I had a 23-day cycle. Not normal.

I just called and left a voicemail with my IVF coordinator. I'm going to ask if I should go ahead with this cycle, or maybe wait until next month when things might be more normal. This is super strange for me...you could set a clock to my body.

I went through my calendar and noticed that the month previous (when we were doing IVF) my cycle was only 26 days. I'm wondering if the Novarel threw me off. All my cycles prior to that Novarel injection were 28 days. I believe when we did IVF last year, the same thing happened - of course I was too hopped up on way too many drugs to blame just the one injection.

I'll get things figured out with the clinic and then we'll make a decision. If we do go through with this next cycle, my first doc appointment will be Memorial Day (which screws up my rockstar weekend, but at least we'll still fit in a little bit of camping).

Paid in full

Did I mention sunburn sucks? Good grief - yesterday I couldn't walk. Today I can walk a little better, but my skin has turned almost hard and my face looks a bit leper-ish. Screw being tan - I prefer my pain-free pale-ness.

In other news - we are paid in full for the next go 'round. WOOHOO! It'll work THIS time. HAHA - I feel like I've said that before. I'm not nervous. I'm not excited. I'm totally indifferent. It feels too far away (a whole week and a half) to even think about it yet.

This coming weekend - Memorial Day - we've got a big camping trip coming up. That's as far ahead as my brain is working right now. Camping on the lake with all our college friends, chowin' down on some campfire goodies, swimming in the lake, reading in the hammock, and it's one last chance to fit in all those antioxidants.

And to top it all off...

Big Brown won the Preakness today.

I taste a Triple Crown this year.

Best. Day. Ever.

(Oh god I'm crunchy...need more aloe)

What a great day

I got invited to go to the lake today with some friends and hang out on a boat. Alcohol + boat + magical lake scenery + cookout = Super fab day.

It was wonderful. I did nothing but sit like a happy little fool in the back of a boat all day with a glass of wine in my hand. Just reliving it brings a tear to my eye.

It was a bit chilly - a cool 70 degrees and pretty breezy. One of those days where as long as you were in the sun you were warm. Of course being out on the water on a moving boat with the wind, we were pretty cold and bundled up, drinks in hands, splashing through the surf enjoying the pristine afternoon. It was perfect.

That is until we pulled into the dock at the end of the day.

As soon as the boat stopped moving we all realized we were on fire. Sunburn. How stupid were we? Here we were trying to keep warm and nobody thought about sunblock. Me! The Queen of SPF 75 (yes, they really make that...and yes, I have two bottles of it). I am so sunburned that even the backs of my hands are red. My face is so frickin' hot I could probably generate electricity for a small city. And I'm pretty sure a raccoon on the way home mistook me for it's cousin (why do I insist on Jackie 'O sunglasses?).

I am currently tucked into bed, slathered in aloe with a fan blowing on me. I'm shivering, I'm on fire and I'm pretty sure my skin is making a slight crunching sound.

Ahhhh, it was so worth it.

Update: Not so freaky after all

As it turns out, my new email IVF friend really IS a big weanie. I don't mean that as an insult either. I just mean - PHEW..thank god, she's not superhuman after all.

Turns out she IS scared of starting IVF. She does hate needles. She is scared of the harvesting. She is hanging by a thread hoping this works. I mean - I still have her beat when it comes to wimpy-ness, medical squeamish-ness, mental breakdowns - and, well - I'm sure many other things. But, I no longer feel like a freak (so THAT'S what this feels like...).

And get this - she's been trying to get pregnant for 10 years. TEN. Yes..10. WTF? I don't know if this makes me feel better, or worse - but damn. This is one tough broad we're dealing with. How in the hell do you live in Infertility Land for 10 years? I was throwing myself off the boat at the 2 year marker...and I've barely trudged myself through 3 more. Bleeech.

This is her first IVF attempt - she's doing it in June and cycle-wise she's one week behind me. Come on Universe, cut this woman some slack. Let's hope we're both knockered by the end of next month.

Antioxidants are SO good for you

Hey, you know that world record where you try to see how many fertility treatments you can do and in between you drink as much alcohol as humanly possible?

I'm growing eggs one magnum of wine at a time.

What's that theory where alcohol destroys all the bad brain cells that we weren't using anyway? Yeah - that. See, I'm just trying to make room for fresh new brain cells. And in the meantime I'm reaping the rewards of huge does of antioxidants. No kidding. It's very healthy. What could possibly be bad about drinking grapes?

So we hit our first wine festival of the season today (oh Wine Season - how I love thee so...). We loaded up the car with friends, cheese, crackers, blankets and chairs and headed out to the country. Bluegrass in the background, mountains in the distance, rolling fields all around, blankets in the grass, wine in the glass, smelly cheese in my belly. John Denver wrote that song about the wrong state.

It's my most favorite part about summer. Wineries. Fancy wineries, ghetto wineries, big wineries, small wineries, old wineries, new wineries. Dr. Seuss really should've branched out into the adult genre. I like them all Sam-I-am....but I draw the line at wine in a box. Even with a fox.

The weather was amazing. In fact I think that was the theme of the day: someone would take a deep breath, suck in the day and say: "Man, what a perfect day." It was too. Big white clouds, absolutely no humidity, a steady but perfect breeze, the sun was shining. I got that song "Goddamn Right, It's A Beautiful Day" stuck in my head all afternoon. And it was SOOOOOO appropriate. That's right. I said it.

Even in a world of freaks, I am still a freak...

My cousin hooked me up with a friend of hers who is starting IVF in June. We've never met, but I was excited about the prospect of an infertile friend. They're hard to come by in my circle.

We chatted on email briefly - introduced ourselves. They've been trying for 10 years (holy shit!), but this is their first time at IVF. In my email I told her that if she was nervous/had any questions about her upcoming cycle, to be sure to call me. And her response back: Oh, life goes on pretty normal whenever I'm doing treatments, they're not really a big deal for me.

Wha...??? Who ARE you?

IronMan? Skeet Ulrich?

Seriously - where are all the IVFer's that have a hard time with treatments?

I mean I think NC-IVF is a pretty good match for me. It was easy - I had no trouble with it last time and I'm excited (not scared) about the next cycle.

But I look back on the months I spent living in conventional IVF hell and think of it as a pretty dark time for me. No, that's an understatement: It was the darkest however-many-months of my life. I'd do NCIVF 100 times before I ever considered doing IVF again. It just doesn't work for me...and I'm not talking about the outcome (ok, which didn't work for me)...it's just not worth the crippling agony for me.

Maybe I'm the only freak in the room that can't handle IVF...but well...there's no buts. I guess it's a statement:

Even in a world of freaks, I am still a freak.

Blog Therapy:

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/05/07/blog.therapy/index.html