Friday, March 30, 2007

IVF: The 25 step program

Things are starting “down there”. My feet hit the ground this morning and I was instantly was hit with a heavy sensation in my abdomen. Yep, the ‘ole ovaries are crankin’ up. The eggs are squabbling over who will be the first Paxton-Tucker.

I admit, my first reaction was: uh oh….action after only 2 injections could put me on the path to hyperstimlation. I’m not really scared about hyper-stim, but I’ll keep it in the back of my brain for safety’s sake. On a more upbeat note, all this means that my body IS reacting more strongly to these drugs, which was the whole point of trying new drugs this time. Last IVF it was day 4 or 5 before I had the heavy feeling…and I didn’t have as many eggs as we would’ve liked. So…this is a good positive thing…it means more mature eggs…which means a MUCH higher chance that this works. Which means there’s a much higher chance I didn’t have to do this again. And, as I am still not at that magical IVF point where I start thinking “hey, this was all for a baby!”…it does put me one step closer. My brain is now thinking “oh my god, life without daily injections in the stomach…sweet”! Which brings me to another list (because for some reason I’ve been making a lot of them lately).

Here is it…IVF spelled out in all it’s gory beauty…


The 25 steps:

[Fertility testing]
1. Denial: IVF? ME? No way…I don’t need IVF…
[Post-testing, trying naturally to prove the doctors wrong…then realizing they’re not]
2. Starting to Believe: Seriously? That’s my only option?
[Giving in, making that first fertility consultation]
3. Anger: Are you fucking kidding me…exactly HOW does this work?
[Ordering drugs, writing checks and getting ready for the first injection]
4. Trepidation: What have I gotten myself in to? This is gonna hurt like hell.
[Immediately after the first shot]
5. Acceptance: Hey, that wasn’t so bad.
[Two weeks into it, getting ready to start scary-stim drugs]
6. Anxiety: Oh shit, shit, shit, this is gonna hurt like hell.
[Immediately after the first stim shot]
7. Anger: Oh my GOD, that hurt like hell!
[An hour later after the first stim-shot has stopped burning]
8. Acceptance: Ok, I have to do that again every night…what are you gonna do…
[3-5 Days later, pumped full of crazy-makin hormones]
9. Mentally Deranged: Fuck everybody. I love you. No I don’t – fuck everybody.
[Pre-Egg Harvesting, which the doc warned was the most painful part]
10. Serious Enthusiasm: Do it NOW…get me off these fucking meds! NOW!!!!!
[One last HUGE intramuscular shot before the harvesting]
11. Sheer Terror: Oh my GOD, that will kill me!
[Immediately after huge IM shot]
12. Embarrassment: Made huge crying scene prior to injection, only to realize it didn’t hurt one bit.
[Wake up next morning with seriously sore ass from last night’s IM]
13. Justification: I KNEW that was going to hurt…um, eventually.
[Moments before the IV has set in for the egg harvesting]
14. Panic: I’ve changed my mind, let me go home.
[As the IV drip starts and you realize it’s about 4 weeks too late for that]
15. Acceptance: Beautiful, purple elephants daaaanccccinnnnng….
[Sedation wears off, you wake up]
16. Utter Confusion: Why does my uterus feel like it fell out?
[Evil nurse makes you stand up as soon as she sees your eyes open]
17. Anger: Just let me die here you bitch, really, it’s a beautiful view of the…wherever this is…
[Recovery from egg harvesting]
18. Dependence: Bring more Tylenol. Don’t make me laugh or my uterus really will fall out.
[Day 2 of recovery]
19. Annoyance: Why the hell can I still not stand up straight?
[Day 3 of Recovery and Embryo Implantation]
20. Excitement: Oh my god, I’m going to be pregnant in a few hours.
[15 Minutes into Implantation that’s only supposed to take 5 minutes]
21. Anger: I thought you said this wasn’t going to hurt! What are you doing to me?
[80 minutes into Implantation that’s only supposed to take 5 minutes]
22. Pleading for Death: Please, a gun would be so much quicker. Somebody bring the doctor a gun!
[90 minutes into 5-minute implantation]
23. Karmic Realization: I must’ve been Hitler in a past life…
[Immediately after implantation – ultrasound of embryos in uterus]
24. Complete and Utter Happiness: Oh my god, there they are, our babies. This was so worth it.
[Seconds after Complete and Utter Happiness]
25. Stupidity: This wasn't so bad. If this doesn't work, we're totally doing it again.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Hey, I really MIGHT survive this….

So, I got over the hump last night and this journey has started to s-l-o-w-l-y creep downhill. I had my first Follistim & Menopur injection. Mixing that stuff was madness – we actually had to watch a DVD on how to operate this crazy Follistim pen (it’s made for self-administering the injection – yeah…right). So we had to figure out how to use IT, in order to inject it into the Menopur…mix THAT together…then find a syringe that would actually hold all the drugs. Then finding a SubQ needle to go with the IM syringe. Eeek. But…I think we’ve got it down now. The prep should be easier from here on out.

My lovely and amazing cousin, Sandi (god love her!) came over and brought us dinner and stuck around to hold my hand for the first scary injection. I got my tummy all iced up…that was HUGE for the pain factor…I’ll never do an injection without it now. Also had the heating pad ready for afterwards. I don’t know why, but the second the needle came out, the ice didn’t feel good anymore. Heating pad for a few minutes…and wham. I was back on top baby! I swear – with the ice – I was only mildly aware that the needle even went in (and you all know by now how wimpy I am!), then I could feel pressure from all the drugs going in (super ew!). Yep…then definite burning like mad. But then the needle was out, the heating pad was on…done. Phew. I am a bit sore in that spot this morning, but it’s not bad (ask me about it in a week). One down, 8-9 more to go. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

I hope to feel my ovaries working like crazy in the next few days. I’ll welcome THAT uncomfortable-ness. Grow follicles, grow!! We need more eggs this time. I can just picture them packing up their bags and fighting each other to get in line. Snap to little babies-to-be!!

I’ve got appointments for blood work and ultrasounds next week (Monday, Wednesday & Friday mornings). Then we leave for FL next Friday. Hopefully things will keep on going smoothly until then. I am nervous about the emotional stuff that will kick in this weekend (I hope it’s over the weekend…I can’t function at work like that). We’ll see – they’re new drugs…maybe it won’t be so bad. We shall see….

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Note(s) to self:

While we're on this "trend" for lists...here is another.....

To myself on the night of the new terrifying drugs:
1. Yes, it's gonna hurt like hell, but it can't hurt forever.
2. Yes, organic red wine IS good for the eggs.
3. Don't kill husband as he administers the new injection that will hurt like hell (but not forever).
4. Try to think positive: these new god-awful drugs start the REAL baby-makin'.
5. No, my ovaries will not explode on Day 3, even though I might emotionally.
6. Try to remember it's just as hard for J to give the shots as it is for me to get them.
8. Note #7 really IS crap, but DO remember that he loves you anyway. And no, he doesn't WANT to give you the shot.
9. Remember that the last part of #8 isn't entirely true. I'm sure after all my whining, he probably DOES want to give me the shot. I know I'd like to give HIM the shot.
10. It's only 9 or 10 days. The first one is always the hardest...after this it's downhill.
11. The last shot is always the easiest.
12. We leave for FL one week from Friday.
13. Picture baby with J's eyes.
14. Picture screaming baby with J's eyes and then refer back to Rule #3.
15. Call IVF doctor to see if he's up for some babysitting...hell, he's got all our money anyway.
16. Remember that friends are out there doing rain dances, druken rock climbing, praying, meditating, sending cards, calling, emailing, burning sage, doing yoga, sending good baby vibes, begging Karma and the Universe, cooking dinner for us, wearing their penguin slippers, sending yoga gift cards and generally wishing every good thing in the world for us. There's good positive energy floating around for us everywhere....I just have to reach out for it.
17. I am not alone in this.
18. I am not alone in this.
19. Just because it didn't work the first time doesn't mean it won't work the second.
20. I'm tough. I'm Superman. I can do this.

Article on Egg Donation:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=445051&in_page_id=1879

Monday, March 26, 2007

Top excuses for my bruised belly:

Compliments of B - this cracked me up:

1. “I was attacked by a swarm of navel-obsessed bumble bees.”

2. “You’ve probably heard of dung-eating beetles, but have you ever heard of belly lint grasshoppers?”

3. “First time using a vibrator – those things are hard to handle at top speed!!”

4. “Just some collateral damage from when I KICKED THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR BRATTY KID”

5. “Let me just tell you, do NOT get your belly button pierced at Stevie Wonder’s House of Body Art!”

6. “I went hunting with Dick Cheney and all I got was this shotgun spray bruise”

Let's go over a few rules of safety....

I know I’ve said it a zillion times (while stomping my feet and holding my breath), that IVF is unfair. But what I’ve left out are the things that BECOME unfair while you’re doing IVF. For example: People should not be allowed to cut in front of you in the grocery check out line. I should be allowed to drive however the hell I want right now and not get pulled over for a ticket. Stubbing a toe should be illegal (come on….I’m getting daily injections….I don’t need something that stupid to bring me to tears).

I’ve decided that I need to invent some type of mechanism that will miraculously alert all those around me to the following facts:

1. I am royally cracked out on hormones.

2. Please for god’s sakes…do NOT email me pictures of your newborn. Do not give me daily updates on diaper changes. In fact…while I’m making up rules here…no one is allowed to announce they’re pregnant until I’m OFF the drugs and I can at least pretend this is great news. I’m sick to death of all you people. And while I’m cracked out on hormones, let me just add that no, I’m not happy for you. Not even deep frickin’ down. I’m jealous and I hope your kid has a big nose. There. I said it. Stop sucking up all the fertile-ness out of the universe, you greedy bastards, and leave me some.

3. Do NOT under ANY circumstances try to analyze my life and tell me god, or karma or the universe – or whoever – has a plan. That’s the same thing as saying that the horrific things I’m doing to my body right now are pointless. Please refer to Rule #1. I am not afraid of going to jail right now.

4. I should be exempt from going to jail right now. Refer to Rule #1.

5. If you EVER say – “what’s the big deal, they’re just injections,” I will do things to you that will make the most seasoned of police shake their head and say “I’ve never seen anything like it.” And they will mean it. Refer to Rule #1.

6. If you call me and you ramble on about your life for hours and then seem bored when I mention IVF: Refer to #5 and then #1. Yes, the world CAN revolve around me for a few weeks. If that’s too much for you to handle, call me when this crap is over. I will not apologize that this is the only topic of conversation I can offer right now..

7. Do NOT attempt to share in my experience by telling me it took you approximately 5 seconds to conceive your child. If I hear one more person say “you never know, this might just happen naturally…” I will murder you and your frickin’ big-nosed kids. Refer to #1 and #2.

8. I have no sympathy for you right now and the life-altering stress you’re going through picking out a pair of goddamn flip-flops to match your bathing suit. I’ve got other things on my mind…don’t bother me with trivial shit. I can barely handle ACTUAL life-altering stress.

9. No, I do not want a subscription to Reader’s Digest, nor do I want another credit card – stop calling me. I’m waiting on the clinic to call – and you’re giving me a heart attack by making my phone ring. Listen up Direct Mailers, this goes for you too…you’re clogging up my fucking garbage can and I’m sick of it.

10. I don’t give a shit that you need to turn right at the light – you’re the asshole that got in the left turning lane. Make a fucking U-turn…this is not my fault. I will not get out of your way.

11. Attention all white-trash Wal-Mart shoppers: Stop bitching about your kids ruining your life. If you didn’t want kids, there’s this new invention out there. It’s called Birth Control. If you’re too damn dumb to swallow a pill, then turn your child over to Social Services. Oh…and you suck.

12. For all you jackasses out there disguised as sweet elderly people: STOP asking me when we’re going to have kids. Just stop it. I DON’T KNOW! But if you’d like to look over my basal thermometer calendar, my IVF injectible schedule, my HSG test, my husband’s sperm test, my latest pap smear and my blood work, I’m more than happy to hand that over. In fact…why not.

13. IVF and work is too much for my little brain. So here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re going to keep paying me ‘cause IVF ain’t free and your fucking insurance doesn’t cover it. In return, I will slack off as much as I need to until this is over. When I’ve recovered from the drugs, hormones, procedures and the either positive or negative pregnancy test…THEN I’ll get my act together.

14. For all other questions and inquiries, please consider Rule #1 before talking to me.

Friday, March 23, 2007

The birds and the bees...

I talked to the nurse at the fertility clinic today. She has been such great support through all this. She’s all super-chatty, which I love. I can tell she’s got things going on that she needs to get done, but if it takes me 45 minutes to ask all the questions I need, she’ll talk for 60. Love her.

Anyway, since the VA office is kind in flux (being absorbed into the hospital), there’s no real live clinic for me to go to this time. All my blood work & ultrasounds are being done at the hospital this time. Which honestly, I prefer. Although I have confidence in my doctor, his bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired…he drew my blood once (once!) last round and it was like being run over by a car. Plus the (internal) ultrasounds were horribly uncomfortable – he wasn’t very sympathetic when my ovaries were the size of baseballs. He was churned my insides up with that stupid wand while I had my hand on my abdomen trying to keep my internals internal. So yay…he won’t be doing them this time. I’ll get a sweet little nurse from the lab who will take 2 seconds to draw my blood and somebody much more gentle from the ultrasound department. Things are looking up.

Plus, I’ve only got to have blood work / ultrasounds done THREE times - every other day (first one on April 2nd). I swear last time I was in there every single day for a week. Or maybe I was just that traumatized and it FELT like every day.

I was talking to the nurse and I mentioned that so far this seems to be going by a lot faster than last time and for whatever reason seems a lot less stressful. I don’t mean in the way of injections or anything (the worse is yet to come and boy do I know it). But my phone isn’t ringing off the hook a zillion times a day from the clinic (they were really unorganized last time). The doctor’s not trying to track me down for whatever reason. I’m done dealing with the pharmacy and my insurance. Last time all that really seemed to drag out through the whole experience. It was a HUGE pain in the ass and very stressful on top of going through the whole IVF process. My nurse made the comment: “Yeah, your last cycle was pretty awful – nothing went right, did it?” No kidding, sistah.

I won’t even SEE my doctor again until we’re in FL and I’m being hooked up to an IV. Sounds scary, but I’m actually relieved. Like I said, total confidence in his doctoring skills, but his bedside manner adds to my nervous wimpy-ness. So…for the most part we are on our own, which is fine by me. We know what meds need to be taken and when, how much, how to mix. I feel like a pharmacist. Or a drug dealer. J

There are a couple things to be resolved before we get to FL though. One: How they do the embryo transfer. They can either do laparoscopic surgery to drop them in my fallopian tubes, or we try the “normal” transfer again, but we’ve got to be careful of my tilted uterus. If we do the “normal” transfer, he wants to do a “mock transfer” a few days prior to basically practice on me. We’re talking VERY painful stuff here. I don’t want to do it the REAL time and now he wants to throw one in for fun? Hmm. I don’t care about having actual surgery for the laparoscopy, but what I DO mind is them dropping more than two embryos in me, which they would most certainly do (he mentioned 5 or 6) to give me a better shot at becoming prego. I will NOT have a selective reduction. Absolutely will not. So we still need to hash all this out.

The second thing we need to agree on before this goes down: Progesterone Intramuscular Injections. Daily. For 3 months. Does that at all sound appealing to anyone? Of course not. Especially when progesterone gel (it’s administered like monistat) is proven to work exactly the same, and it’s completely painless. I did the gel last time. And I know that stuff worked because my period lasted for almost 2 weeks after I went off of it. It lined my uterus…there is no doubt about it. And the doctor even admits there’s no difference just “the European way of thinking vs. the American way of thinking.” Well, I’m with the Brits on this one. Sorry, Bush…take your intramuscular injections and go find an actual terrorist. I’m out.

I’ve done some research and found an Oxford Medical Journal piece on how effective the gel is. I will be armed with that when I get down to FL. Even if he doesn’t agree…I’ve got enough gel to get through until my pregnancy test…so I’ll use the crap with or without his consent. I’m not going to put myself through more barbaric injections for no good reason. And I won’t be guilted into it just because he can’t come up with a better reason. No sir-ee…just not gonna do it.

Other than all that – I’m feeling pretty good. Still having headaches…still having the shortness of breath once in a while. Had a major bout of insomnia last night. Got about 2 hours of sleep - total. But surprisingly, I’m not tired today. Of course it’s almost 80 degrees…so all I want to do is run outside and play.

Oh, here’s a question for you. Do you think there’s the possibility that people are more fertile in the spring? I mean the planet is coming back to life, the flowers, the trees, the animals, the insects. The birds…the bees. There’s got to be something to that, don’t you think? I know in the winter, I want to hibernate. Maybe because it’s Spring, my body will WANT to get pregnant. We’ll see….

Monday, March 19, 2007

Obsession, Headaches & Plane Tickets...

IVF continues. I talked to the nurse in the Jacksonville office this morning, they're putting our plane tickets in the mail today. I ordered a ton of maps from AAA and the rental car has been reserved. I even did a little bit of clothes shopping this weekend. Just trying to be positive and keep it light. Trying....

Yoga is going great. I'm there 4 days a week. It's been so helpful in keeping my stress levels down. Plus, I'm constantly sore...so maybe amidst all this I'll gain some muscle tone without realizing it.

J and I had a good talk Friday night. Actually, he did the talking…I did the crying. He said sometimes he feels like I’m so caught up in all this that I want to have a baby more than I want to be married to him. He said sometimes he doesn’t feel even the slightest bit important compared to this.

Ouch.

God, I hate to say it, but he’s right. I don’t actually feel that way…but I’m obsessed with this. It’s every second of every day. It drains so much out of me that I don’t have anything left for him. I’m trying to find some kind of balance there and he’s very patient with me (thank god). Phew…I don’t even know what to do with that right now. I know he’s right. I just don’t know if I have the ability to fix it right now.

Saturday night we had the “what do we do if it doesn’t work again” conversation. I was blown away by how open J was to other options. I’ve really spent SO much time in the last few months beating myself up because this is his only option for biological kids. So if I’m not strong (and essentially faking my way through it with grace), the he’s going to think this is too much for me and he won’t want to do it again. So in a nutshell, my wimpy-ness will be responsible for J never having the option of having kids (I’m talking biological here of course).

Have I mentioned my wimpy-ness, my hatred of doctors, my phobia of needles, my fear of drugs, my severe hypochondriac-ness??? I am NOT the type of person IVF was invented for.

Anyway, when I asked him “what if”, his response was: Well, we’ll start exploring other options. I then asked him how the HELL he could be so cool about that? I mean I have been killing myself over this because I thought other options weren’t something he wanted to do at all. I thought he’d be one of these people who just wanted to do IVF until hell froze over. He said that ever since we got our tests back a few years ago, he’s been trying to come to terms with the “what ifs”. Apparently I’ve been left in the dark about this. Because I thought “what ifs” were just out for him. So it hadn’t really occurred to me to try to imagine the alternatives. Amazing what a little communication will do, right?

Hope all that made sense. My head is frickin’ pounding right now.

On the side effect front: Headaches, insomnia, shortness of breath. It’s been happening the last few days. But last night was the worst so far. I just felt like I couldn’t catch my breath at all. I was panting for a good half hour. I know it happened last time, but god it’s a really scary feeling. It’s like my lungs are suddenly too small. I feel like I’m suffocating. It lasted so long last night I panicked and I think I hyperventilated a little bit….my fingers and face were tingly.

The headache is kicking my ass right now though. In fact…publishing blog, laying head down for a little while……

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Blogging just to blog...

I don't really have any reason for blogging today. Except that I'm just in the mood to blog (read: procrastinating work).

Today is Day Three. I'm feeling fine. Great, in fact. Lupron is already disturbing my sleep which was a bit surprising (last time it was after injection 3 or 4). It's only been two whole nights, but both nights, nightmares and last night some insomnia. Oh well, there are worse things. Also have a bit of a headache today, but not sure if that's related or not.

Otherwise, feeling pretty good. J and I are off to the nursery (the PLANT kind) to spent crap-loads of money on landscaping. Can't think of anything else that could make me that happy. Weather is just amazing out. Close to 80, light breeze, sun. It's done great things for my mood.

The dog is in serious trouble right now for wreaking havoc in the neighborhood. I have all the windows & doors open enjoying the breeze and she insists on barking her head off at every noise. She's now sitting in "time out" on the couch. And boy is she out. Must be exhausting chasing bugs and barking at the neighbors.

Well, that's the latest. Back to work.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Let The Dreams Begin


Wow - I had forgotten about the disturbing Lupron-induced dreams. I had my first injection yesterday and I’ve already got weird things going on in my sleep. Last night caught me by surprise. I spent the entire night dreaming about J having an affair. It was horrible. I woke up around 1am in the midst of it...and it just kept on going until I got up this morning. I did not sleep well at all. It was one of those dreams where when you wake up, you can’t remember if it’s real or not.

I can only remember bits and pieces now. But it started off with J and I asleep in bed. I was woken up by the sound of a woman’s voice coming closer. And finally she’s in the sitting room part of our bedroom yakking away on a cell phone. I get out of bed and start yelling at this woman to get out of my house. I was furious. And I couldn’t figure out why the heck J wasn’t upset about it. Complete stranger in our house! And for whatever reason (that made sense in my dream, but doesn’t now), I started to realize that J knew this woman and he was ok with her being in the house. I ask her how she got in and she said that J gave her a key so she could come over whenever she wanted. I found out about the affair…I went downstairs for something and when I came back up they were in bed together! There’s much more in there somewhere, but it turned out that I was pregnant and J wanted a divorce to run off with the cell-phone lady. ACK! Frickin’ drugs. There was so much more to the dream…but I only remember the general feeling I had while I was dreaming it….which sucked. I woke up this morning and that blah feeling stuck with me through my first cup of coffee.

Ahhh, Lupron…you evil bitch…..

Monday, March 12, 2007

My “Happy Calendar”

I hate IVF. I’m angry that it’s my only option. I’m scared because I know what to expect this time. I’m angry that I’m angry and I can’t pull myself together and get excited about it. I’m angry because starting a family is so easy for everybody else. I’m angry that I’ve allowed IVF to turn me into this depressed, awful, self-indulged mop of a person. I’m feeling (and sounding) like a five-year-old having a tantrum and I can’t help it. And I hate that too.

(insert deep cleansing breath)

Despite the start of this rant, this is not another dribbling, down-in-the-dumps post.

Tomorrow is almost here. It’s not really the injections that are freaking me out. It’s just knowing that tomorrow starts the entire long awful process. I have really just been in this depressed state for the last few weeks. It just boils down to - I don't want to do IVF. Ever again. But I don't want to adopt and J doesn't want to do artificial. So NOT doing IVF is just like saying I don't ever want to have kids. I have been unable to talk to J about it (actually, anybody). So for the last week or so, I’ve just kind of shut down emotionally and gone numb.

J sat me down Friday night to try to drag “whatever’s bothering you” out of me. He said all the right things: he wants to be there for me through all this, I have to let know what is going on with me, I can’t shut him out….etc, etc. But how the hell do I tell my husband that I don’t ever want to do this again? That I feel trapped into HAVING to do it for lack of options?

I’ve spent the last week being angry at him. For completely irrational reasons of course. I want him to demand that we don’t do this again. I want him to say “this is too much for you”, or “I will not sit back and watch you go through this again.” I want to have a way out and I don’t.

I went to yoga all weekend trying to center myself – trying to get my brain quiet. And it occurred to me (while almost falling down during a balancing pose) that I’m not actually angry at J. I’m angry because even if he DID say all those things. I’d still do it. Which in some bizarre way gave me back a sense of control. Which is what I think is so hard about IVF. No control over anything – the outcome, the needles, the drugs, the side effects, your own body, the doctor appointments, the insurance companies, the blood work, the ultrasounds…on and on…..

So I’m trying to recapture some sense of control back into my life. I’ve set myself up on a 4-times-a-week visit to the yoga center. Although at the start of week 3, my doctor won’t allow yoga as I’m not supposed to be twisting my mid-section (because of the drugs, I can actually twist my ovaries and end up having them removed). But my plan is to go anyway and just leave out anything that might cause a strain. If nothing else, laying on the mat basking in other people’s positive energy will do me good.

I’m trying desperately to pull myself up here. Really, I am. I’m making up a calendar full of nice, relaxing things to counteract my IVF calendar full of injection schedules, lab appointments, and procedures. I’ve filled it up with art classes and yoga classes and massages and hair appointments. It’s my “Happy Calendar.” I’m hoping it will give me something to look forward to each day.

I told Jeffrey a good way HE can distract me is when the injections start getting tough, to bring me home a potted plant. After the shots that night, he can help me plant it in the flower bed. Jazzes up the yard and gets me outside and doing something I love, rather than sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

J left to go out of town last night for work. He gets home tomorrow night just in time to give me my first injection. It’s been nice to have some time alone. It’s given me time to just sit in quiet, listen to soothing music, cook, nap, draw, watch TV, read. The weather’s been amazing the last few days and it’s supposed to be pushing 80 tomorrow and Wednesday. That’s certainly uplifting. Plus, the early time change - more sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy (John Denver knew about the good stuff in life). Yesterday was fabulous. I sat outside on the side porch all day, and it was still light enough to eat my lovely organic dinner out there as well.

Maybe between the time change, the nice weather, SPRING, my happy calendar, a little solace….I’ll be able to pluck out a bit of optimism before tomorrow’s first injection. It’s just the mental barrier of the first shot (heard ‘round the world). Then I’m officially committed to the whole process. The whole process. The. Whole. Process.

Maybe this one will work. Maybe I’ll read through old posts in 2 months with my hand on my belly and think: why the hell was I freaking out? This was so worth it.

Maybe.

I hope. And hoping is about as good as it gets.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Down to the wire....

Well, it’s down to the wire. I’m a mere 4 days away from the start of injections. I’m not ready. I’m not excited. I’m not going into this with a good attitude. I feel numb and at the same time angry. And tired just thinking about the process. Knowing how much of my mental and physical capacities this will suck out of me for the next 6 weeks…it’s a lot for me to handle. I work with a few women who have been through IVF and they look at me like I have 3 heads when I talk about how hard it is. Of course all 3 of them got pregnant the first round. I think there’s something about having your spirit broken by a negative pregnancy test to really smash every ounce of enthusiasm you have for Round 2. Or maybe it's just a positive pregnancy test that makes you forget all the trauma it took you to get there (here's hoping).

I was in DC the other day for work. I spent the night with a friend of mine – we went out to dinner Wednesday night. We talked about me going through IVF for a while (good mental therapy). Then she asked if I was pro-choice. Surprisingly, even after all this - I am pro-choice. Only because I can’t stand the idea of the government telling a woman what she can and can’t do with her body. And also because I realize that some people don’t believe a fetus / embryo is “alive” (for the record: I am not one of those people).

Of course that being said: I think people who get abortions are stupid, selfish people. Whatever the reason, it’s not the baby’s fault. It’s killing a life because it’s inconvenient. The only exception I’ll add to that is if the mother’s life is in serious danger.

This whole process goes against so many parts of me: throwing chemicals into my body left and right, needles, doctors visits (2 major fears), creating little bits of life only to have some, or all of them tossed out. It’s a real moral issue for me. And yet, I’m doing it anyway. I think about it a lot. I’m still unable to put it into words. My dad says my intention is to “create” life. But still – how many am I killing to achieve that?

Am I any better than women who have abortions? I’ll admit flat out, I look down on anybody who’s done it (all the while maintaining the RIGHT to do it…a true liberal, my grandfather would say). An abortion usually kills one baby. I’ve already discarded 4 from a Petri dish and my own body betrayed me and finished off the other 2.

And now I’m days away from injecting some new drug into my body that’s supposed to make my body create even MORE eggs than last time. It’s a sick, disgusting way to start a family. And yet I can’t put into words how I can still possibly be doing this again. But I am.

Injections start Tuesday. My husband sent me an email earlier that said “only 4 more days until the baby-making begins.” He’s excited….....

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Monday, March 5, 2007

Name brand pills...

Injections start on March 13th (next Tuesday).

I've been on birth control for almost 3 weeks now - not a single side effect. It's like I'm one of the "normal" people who can pop pills and not pay for it for months. The difference? I'm on the name-brand pill as opposed to the generic that the pharmacy gave me last time (same stuff though). Scary, right? The generic gave me hives and huge sore boobs. The name-brand gives me nothing....kind of miss the big boobs, but definitely not worth being sore. :) I buy generic everything. I had no idea it would make a difference....

The doc showed us how to mix all the meds last week. I've got a different cocktail this time. Stronger stimulating drugs called Follistem (he wants more eggs out of me this time). And the stimulating drug is going to be mixed with a Lutenizing Hormone - Menopur- which will help to mature the eggs faster. Last time my body was supposed to make it's own LH...but it didn't produce enough and therefore some of the eggs they got out of me were no good. He said he's VERY optimistic that with the LH, I'm going to have LOTS of embryos to choose from and possibly even a few blastocysts (100+ cell beebees).

The only thing I'm a bit nervous about is the injection of Follisten/Menopur. I'm told it burns 10x worse than the stuff I was on last time (Bravelle). And I can't begin to tell you how much THAT hurt. I screeched every time I had it done. But...maybe my body is now so accustomed to the abuse that it won't be so bad?

Florida stuff: I got the brochure for the hotel...looks pretty nice. J made the car rental reservations today. And I just ordered some maps through AAA. We're flying into Orlando, driving 2 hours north to St. Augustine Beach (where the hotel is)...and then the doc office is an hour north of that in Jacksonville. I'm a bit nervous that I'll have to spend so much time in the car. Last IVF, we had to drive to NOVA for Thanksgiving....oh god, it was hellish. Every vibration in the road went straight to my ovaries. And the 10 minute drive from the hospital to home after the egg harvesting was horrendous. I can't imagine an HOUR drive back to the hotel. I might just throw caution to the wind and pop a valium for that. By that time, the eggs will be out and I'm free to abuse my body for 3 good days.

In other news - Dayquil and Theraflu should NEVER under any circumstances be mixed together. I'm getting over some really bizarre cold / flu type virus. I started getting sick about a week and a half ago with a chest cold which then turned into the chills & aches and progressed into a morning of vomiting. I'm on the mend now - but last week as I was still trying to shake the symptoms, I accidentally OD'd on some OTC's (my brain was foggy....I had forgotten I had just taken the Theraflu and then downed some Dayquil). Anyway, my in-law's who are leaving in a few days to go to Turkey and Greece came into town yesterday and we met them for lunch. She asked me if I got her email about book recommendations, because I apparently responded with a really bizarre email. I had no memory whatsoever that this had taken place. I swear I thought she was making it up. So I got home last night and scanned through the Sent Items in my email.
Sure enough - there was an email from her asking for books, and my rambling reply (not even close to coherent) about IVF plane reservations and our doctor appointment (which we hadn't even been to at the time). Scary. Maybe I can pop a little Dayquil/Theraflu cocktail during IVF when I hit Ultra PMS and spend 2 days crying.