Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Happy Birthday To Me

I turn 30 today. I always thought I would’ve had kids by now. And then I lowered that to: Well, I’ll get pregnant before I turn 30. Obviously that is no longer the case.

So I woke up this morning and a thought crossed my brain that I must admit was kind of liberating: I will be in my 30’s when we have kids. Period. There’s no “oh crap”, I’m leaving my 30’s…will it happen?” Because yes, it will. One way or the other, this will be our decade. It might not be our year, but we will have started a family by the time my next decade birthday strolls around. Father Time isn’t going to allow us to continue all this nonsense forever - either it happens through ART, or we go another direction. But it will happen.

So happy birthday to me – my last big birthday celebration as a non-mother.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Out of the bad comes good

I had an epiphany today. Let me first preface this by saying I've had a bit of wine. And beer. But the epiphany happened before the drinking began. It's only now that I've had a few, I'm thinking a little more "deeply" about it.

So in my previous post I wrote about how hysterically ridiculous my day was. Seriously, can all those things happen in one day? Oh yes they can. But I'm a big believer in "things happen for a reason."

So either, one: My day was horrible because I was sucking up all the badness in the world so my best friend (who bought her first house today!) could have an amazing day....

Or two: Maybe it was a Series of Unfortunate Events that happened to put me at my cousin's house today. On a day where she babysits for 2 small children (in addition to her own 3). One of the babies is adopted. He was a crack baby. For the first 6 months of his life he was going through withdrawal. He is now 8 months old. Perhaps a teeny bit behind developmentally (he still can't sit up), but he'll be caught up soon enough.

In between working I helped out with the little love - he was having a cranky day (so I was told). I plopped him on my lap and he giggled. I stuck him in front of the window so he could get a good view. He loved it. I sat him back down - he whined. I made funny faces at him and he laughed that amazing contagious laugh that all babies have. I know it's not all going to be adorable moments now matter the children we have - I'm not that far disillusioned. But it just hit me: do I really need to be pregnant? I don't need to carry a child to be connected to him/her....that's never been my issue with adoption. What matters in the end is this perfectly sweet (but sometimes cranky) beautiful child that's sitting on my lap exploring the world. It doesn't matter how they got there. It just matters that they're there.

So I guess the only question left is - If we do adopt - Am I strong enough as a person to survive the inevitable: "Who are my REAL parents?"

As much as I'd like to be that person that hears that question from their adopted child (in the thros of teenage agnst, no less) and charges forward unphased...not enough wine in the world can make me say that I am.

I've always thought I was "against" adoption. I have 3 siblings that were adopted - all of them with major learning disabilities, fetal alcohol syndrome and emotional disorders. I've always been scared of adoption for the simple fact that "you never know." I know I could love a child that wasn't mine biologically. But after watching my parents' marriage dissolve as a result of 3 children with disabilities (among other issues), I've been too scared to consider it as an option. Today made me realize that's not the reason. Of course I would be heartbroken if something was wrong with my child - but that could happen just as easily through an IVF baby.

What I'm scared of is my child turning 15 and wanting to know about their biological parents. Or my child in an argument yelling to me "You're not my mother!"

How do parents of adopted children face that? My hat goes off to all of them. I think today just made me realize - It's not the child I fear: It's myself.

Just call me Schleprock

Here's how my day has gone so far today. I work from home, around 9am my internet went down. HUGE problem. I spent 20 minutes on hold with the internet company and got nowhere. At this point I'm starting to get a little frantic. I have a 9:45am deadline for a crazy client who freaks if their report is more than a few minutes late. So I decide my internet's a lost cause. I called my cousin to see if I could come over and leach off her wirless for a few hours. No problem.

I have about 30 minutes to get dressed, throw my office (laptop & cell) in the car, get to her house AND get my report done (which takes about an hour and a half). So instead of taking the time to put my laptop into its case, I just unplug it and head out the door (already, I'm sure you can see where this is going).

I pull up in front of her house and glance at the clock: I have 12 minutes to get my report out. In a blind panic, I'm grabbing my purse, keys, laptops, cell, notebooks and I'm hopping out of the car.....and my laptop hopped out of my hands. WHAM! Hits the pavement. Hard. F-U-C-K.

I stood there for a second looking at it. I don't see anything obviously broken. No shattered plastic (that I can see). Ok...maybe it's alright.

I get inside, turn it on. Phew...power lights are lighting. And then the screen pops on: it's shattered and there's already a big black oily blob spreading across the bottom of the screen. F-U-C-K.

Screw the damn client report - I now have bigger issues. The black blob is getting bigger - I ask my cousin for an empty CD so I can quickly burn all my files to it before the computer bites it. I drop the CD in. Horrific sounds emit from my machine. Error messages pop up left and right. My files can't be burned.

Somebody suggests a flash drive. I of course don't own one. But there's a Staples right down the road. I speed over to Staples - computer in hand. I run in, pick one up, stick it into my computer and begin copying my files.

I pull back out of Staples and my car starts to stutter. I am out of gas. I literally coast into the station with barely enough momentum to get to the pump. Jesus god. I fill up and head back to my cousin's house.

I get settled at her place. The black blob has stopped spreading and aside from the horrible view, my computer is working (or at least email is).

My husband is furious that I just demolished a perfectly good laptop by not putting it into a case. And I managed to slice my hand open while ripping into that stupid plastic packaging for the flash drive.

But...at least it's Friday. Right?

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Well overdue –

Today would’ve been my due date from the first cycle of IVF. God it’s weird to think how different my life would be this very second had that first one worked. It’s weird to have this date stuck in my head – an anniversary of nothing. I don’t know how I feel about it. I’m not depressed like I expected to be. But I can’t help but be filled with this strange sense of emptiness and quiet. I’d like to say I’m coming to grips with the whole situation (now THAT would be way overdue)…but I’m not sure that’s it either.

It’s like a day of grieving. But for what? Can we even grieve this? I mean what IS “this”? J and I are the only ones on the planet that know what today is.

It’s strange to think that since my very first injection from IVF, other women have gotten pregnant and given birth. And the only thing that’s happened to us is another uneventful year has passed by.

And I also find it strange that on this date – no different from any other – a completely random Wednesday - that so many big things are happening today to those around me:.

My best friend and her husband are closing on their first house today – a beautiful Victorian. It’s really MY dream house, but they ended up with it. I can’t wait to go visit.

My hubby is moving into a fancy new office that he’s totally excited about…he doesn’t know it yet, but I have big plans to help him interior-design-it-up.

Some good friends of our signed separation papers yesterday – they both seem to be in a good place about it. It’s still such a sad situation. Their papers are on the way to the courthouse as I type.

Today is one week from my 30th birthday (ok, that’s a stretch)…but in one week a very good friend of mine is flying into Colorado to visit us for 5 days…I’m very excited.

This weekend the birthday festivities begin. J’s company picnic is at the lake on Saturday…I love the lake (I have greedily requested a cheap kayak for my birthday). After the picnic, some friends & family are joining us at one of my favorite restaurants downtown for dinner and drinks.

So that’s that. A random Wednesday…like a zillion others that have come and gone. Lots of things happening today. Nothing happening today. It’s a strange day.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Our cozy little nest

We rearranged our bedroom over the weekend. We live in a strange house. We’ve got close to 4500 square feet and yet the house only has 3 bedrooms. They’ve not even huge bedrooms. Or rather, they’re huge bedrooms, but they’re laid out in such a way that you can’t fit normal furniture in them. We have one bedroom that would be 350 sq ft if it wasn’t for the attic staircase that cuts into it, basically cutting it into 2 useless rooms.

Our plan is to eventually move that staircase and open up that bedroom to have as a master suite – there’s a bathroom connected to it as well as a HUGE walk-in closet. But it’s going to be a while before we get to that.

Our current bedroom is actually 2 rooms. You walk into the bedroom, then step up into another room. We’ve had our bed in the smaller room since we moved in, but we’ve both just been unable to breath – it’s carpeted (and the carpet needs to be replaced badly), and it's just too closed in - between the carpet, dust and dog (who sleeps with us), we both wake up with horrible sinus headaches. So we switched the bed into the dressing room (which has hardwood floors) and the dressers into the bedroom. It’s SO much more comfortable now. I don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner.

We spent all day Sunday just lounging around in our new room….we’ve never done that since we’ve lived here. It felt so luxurious – like hanging out in a fancy hotel. Can’t wait to one day have our master suite, but the old one just got much better to live with until then.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Wonderful news!!

My lovely and amazing cousin who has battled the Infertility Bitch had an ultrasound on Friday. They found a very healthy heartbeat!!

Friday, August 17, 2007

My brother, the Marine…

Was supposed to be shipped to Iraq in February for 9 months. His wife just informed me that was bumped up to mid-December. And then 3 hours later, she gave me the latest update: He’s being shipped out to Fallujah in mid-November.

I'm flying out to CA in October to visit them.

War sucks. I can't even think about this.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Doc Appointment

Today was my annual gyn visit. I was having a very fragile infertile day for whatever reason (they pop up randomly). It was the first time I had to write down "multiple failed IVF's" under my medical history. Why do they even make you fill all that crap out? They never read it. I got into the exam room (after a hour’s wait) and the doctor comes in and asks me all the stuff I just filled out. I had checked the box "expecting to get pregnant" so she asked me if I was on prenatals. I shook me head "no" and just started bawling. I don't know why. I was horribly embarrassed - first time I've ever been to that doctor. But once I started, I couldn't stop crying. And I'm trying to choke out WHY I'm NOT on prenatals because she hadn't taken the time to read further down the sheet to the IVF info. Oy...what can I say - I was having a bad day.

Anyhoo - the exam didn't go that well and I've been trying not to think about it or talk about it. She found some kind of "mass" on my right ovary (which hurt like HELL). She said it's most likely a harmless cyst, but it is something to be conscious about since I did 2 IVF's back- to- back. And she said my breasts are full of “fibrous material"....which could be another side effect of the IVF. Mass amounts of hormones do crazy things...I of course knew this...just didn't know it would happen right away. And you know...to ME. My pap doesn't come back until Wednesday, so I'm pretending all is well. But of course I'm a wreck on the inside - I've never had anything but completely normal exams. And to have 2 issues right after IVF scares the hell out of me. Ok...but enough of all that....it's probably nothing and I can't do anything until the results come back anyway.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Everything is falling down, falling down, falling down….

Ever have one of those weeks (months) where everything breaks down at all once? We blew through $2500 in about a week in emergency repairs:

J car: new tires, one new rim (he obliterated one running into a curb!), AC is broken (still not fixed)

My car: new tires (gulp, $800), the driver’s side window motor broke, the AC is stuck in the defrost position (still not fixed)…making the AC virtually worthless.

The house: The AC broke down when it was of course 102 degrees outside. The venthilation system is practically rusting out due to the very humid un-finished basement, so we had to purchase a mongo dehumidifier.

And then my Granny, who is almost 90 years old and in stage 2 Alzheimer’s fell and broke her leg. She’s got osteoporosis pretty badly. The hospital said she needed surgery to fix it, but she’s too frail and it’s too risky. Besides, she sits in a wheelchair all day, so it would be kind of pointless. So they’ve put her on strict bed-rest. And because her bones are so fragile the docs said it would be for several months. Try keeping a woman in bed for months on end when she can’t even remember she has a broken leg. It’s a bad situation. Plus they’re saying that if it gets swollen it could mean amputation – another very risky surgery for her.