Here’s a good infertility movie recommendation for anybody out there that needs it. I don't recommend it because it's good - in fact, it's probably one of the worst-done movies I've ever seen. But anyone that’s ever dealt with infertility will surely appreciate it.
J rented "Idiocracy" last week and brought it home - we popped it into the DVD player:
The premise of the movie is - all the stupid people of the world are super-fertile. All the smart peeps have problems. So the dumb people keep breeding and take over the world.
The opening scene is "the smart couple" talking about how they're working on their careers and don't want to have kids yet.
Then it flips to "the dumb couple" living in a trailer park - she's holding a beer in one hand and she's cussing holding a positive pregnancy test in the other with several kids running around her feet.
Back to the "smart couple" 5 years later talking about how bad the economy is right now, so they're waiting to start their family.
5 years later to the "dumb couple" - she's bitching about being pregnant again, meanwhile there's now 10 kids running around.
Smart Couple 5 more years later - they're talking about how his "dude count" is low because of all the stress from work and they're going to do IVF.
Dumb Couple - again, more kids...
Smart Couple years later talking about how the husband has now died b/c of work stress...but the woman (who is now visibly old) has 3 eggs frozen and she's waiting on "Mr. Right".
Meanwhile Dumb Couple continues to pop out kids left and right.
Seriously - dumbest movie ever (Luke Wilson travels forward in time 500 years and everybody's so stupid they can barely talk....he's the smartest man alive....adventure ensues) but the whole idea was freakin' hilarious. J and I were a bit shocked at first (we had no idea what the movie was about). But after the shock wore off, we were ROLLING. I'm sure anybody NOT in our situation would've thought it was the dumbest thing ever.
It’s one of those movies I’ll keep on hand for the next time I find out somebody’s pregnant. By the end of it I was glad to be amongst the infertile (well, almost)….
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Here we go again...(to Florida?!)
After our last venture through IVF, I no longer have even a SHRED of modesty left in me (not that I had much to start with)...so begins all the gory details....
Here's where we are:
Round #2 was supposed to take place in March (meaning the egg harvesting & implantation would've happened mid-March). I was doing my mental preparation (aka: pure freaking out) of starting injections & procedures and 3 months of side effects - when the clinic called at the end of last week to let us know there was a problem and they were rescheduling all their IVF patients until April.
Which put me into a week of depression and anger (and yes, I admit - relief) knowing that I was just sitting on my rear wasting time....and still dreading getting started and already looking forward to it being over (a great attitude to begin, no?). Not to mention being more than a little annoyed at the last-minute notice from the clinic (I was originally supposed to start injections today!).
So I've been feeling really bummed out the last week. I got in a fight with both my health insurance company AND my prescription insurance company (it seems we used ALL our coverage last round), and I've been jerked around by the clinic the last few days - everything is very unorganized.
I finally had a long conversation with the nurse at the clinic today to figure out what the heck is going on:
Our doctor runs an office here in VA and another office in FL. So the way it works is, he schedules a group of women to do the IVF cycles all at once - so when it comes time for everybody's egg harvesting, fertilizations and implantations, they're all done within a day or two of each other. He spends a few months in VA, a few months in FL while women cycle.
The reason for all this confusion is - the fertility clinic is in its own building outside of the hospital and the hospital has apparently been a real pain in the a-s-s about giving the clinic the support staff they need - for instance an anesthesiologist. Last time we did the egg harvesting, we had to be there at 3am because the anesthesiologist had to come before her shift at the hospital, work at the clinic and then pull a full shift at the hospital. As did all the workers at the fertility clinic. So they were working 100+ hour weeks during the end of everybody's IVF cycles....it's apparently been this way for a few years and our doc has decided he's just had enough.
Now luckily he's not just packing his bags and heading for sunny Florida (as he's the ONLY doc within a 2+ hour radius that even does ICSI IVF and we'd just be SOL). So he's decided that since his FL office is better equipped (both with staff & equipment)....are you ready for this......
He has decided to fly every single one of his VA IVF patients to FL to do the egg harvesting and implantations!!! He is paying for every one of us (and even willing to fly our husbands back early/late should they have work conflicts) to fly down April 6th - harvesting on 7th or 8th...wait 3 days...and then do implantations...then fly us home the day after. Not only that...but he said he knows how stressful IVF is without adding the element of travel to it - he's getting us all BEACHFRONT rooms and trying to turn it into a vacation for us - everything will be covered.
At first I'm sitting there listening to him going "what the HELL are you doing to me man - getting me all hormonal, stressed out and then expecting me to TRAVEL so you can stick needles in me?!?" And then I got to thinking...holy crap, if I'm sitting on the beach chillin...I'm going to be calm, relaxed, happy...and that's a MAJOR determining factor for whether or not the implantation works. So approximately 10 seconds after the news - I was in. I will need to do some bikini shopping to find something that will cover up my injection bruises...haha.
The nurse at the clinic said the doc has a friend who owns a beachfront hotel - apparently a pretty swanky place - he's giving the doc super good deals for all of us. And apparently, this is the way they're going to do all future IVF cycles.
J will definitely be down there with me for the egg harvesting (that's the most mentally/physically draining part for me). We're not entirely sure he'll be able to stay through the implantation. I REALLY REALLY want him to be there for the whole thing...but if it's not possible, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Anyway - in preparation for all this madness...I started birth control today. Unlike the last time when we had pictures of J giving me the pill - him dropping it on the floor - and me finally taking it! This one was done with much less ceremony: me popping it in my mouth while on the phone with the doc mentally packing for FL.
Our next doc appointment is March 1st - they'll get an injection/surgery calendar set up for us, so we can keep track of what days I'm on what drugs...bloodwork, ultrasounds, procedures...etc.
Here we go again........
Here's where we are:
Round #2 was supposed to take place in March (meaning the egg harvesting & implantation would've happened mid-March). I was doing my mental preparation (aka: pure freaking out) of starting injections & procedures and 3 months of side effects - when the clinic called at the end of last week to let us know there was a problem and they were rescheduling all their IVF patients until April.
Which put me into a week of depression and anger (and yes, I admit - relief) knowing that I was just sitting on my rear wasting time....and still dreading getting started and already looking forward to it being over (a great attitude to begin, no?). Not to mention being more than a little annoyed at the last-minute notice from the clinic (I was originally supposed to start injections today!).
So I've been feeling really bummed out the last week. I got in a fight with both my health insurance company AND my prescription insurance company (it seems we used ALL our coverage last round), and I've been jerked around by the clinic the last few days - everything is very unorganized.
I finally had a long conversation with the nurse at the clinic today to figure out what the heck is going on:
Our doctor runs an office here in VA and another office in FL. So the way it works is, he schedules a group of women to do the IVF cycles all at once - so when it comes time for everybody's egg harvesting, fertilizations and implantations, they're all done within a day or two of each other. He spends a few months in VA, a few months in FL while women cycle.
The reason for all this confusion is - the fertility clinic is in its own building outside of the hospital and the hospital has apparently been a real pain in the a-s-s about giving the clinic the support staff they need - for instance an anesthesiologist. Last time we did the egg harvesting, we had to be there at 3am because the anesthesiologist had to come before her shift at the hospital, work at the clinic and then pull a full shift at the hospital. As did all the workers at the fertility clinic. So they were working 100+ hour weeks during the end of everybody's IVF cycles....it's apparently been this way for a few years and our doc has decided he's just had enough.
Now luckily he's not just packing his bags and heading for sunny Florida (as he's the ONLY doc within a 2+ hour radius that even does ICSI IVF and we'd just be SOL). So he's decided that since his FL office is better equipped (both with staff & equipment)....are you ready for this......
He has decided to fly every single one of his VA IVF patients to FL to do the egg harvesting and implantations!!! He is paying for every one of us (and even willing to fly our husbands back early/late should they have work conflicts) to fly down April 6th - harvesting on 7th or 8th...wait 3 days...and then do implantations...then fly us home the day after. Not only that...but he said he knows how stressful IVF is without adding the element of travel to it - he's getting us all BEACHFRONT rooms and trying to turn it into a vacation for us - everything will be covered.
At first I'm sitting there listening to him going "what the HELL are you doing to me man - getting me all hormonal, stressed out and then expecting me to TRAVEL so you can stick needles in me?!?" And then I got to thinking...holy crap, if I'm sitting on the beach chillin...I'm going to be calm, relaxed, happy...and that's a MAJOR determining factor for whether or not the implantation works. So approximately 10 seconds after the news - I was in. I will need to do some bikini shopping to find something that will cover up my injection bruises...haha.
The nurse at the clinic said the doc has a friend who owns a beachfront hotel - apparently a pretty swanky place - he's giving the doc super good deals for all of us. And apparently, this is the way they're going to do all future IVF cycles.
J will definitely be down there with me for the egg harvesting (that's the most mentally/physically draining part for me). We're not entirely sure he'll be able to stay through the implantation. I REALLY REALLY want him to be there for the whole thing...but if it's not possible, we'll cross that bridge when we get there.
Anyway - in preparation for all this madness...I started birth control today. Unlike the last time when we had pictures of J giving me the pill - him dropping it on the floor - and me finally taking it! This one was done with much less ceremony: me popping it in my mouth while on the phone with the doc mentally packing for FL.
Our next doc appointment is March 1st - they'll get an injection/surgery calendar set up for us, so we can keep track of what days I'm on what drugs...bloodwork, ultrasounds, procedures...etc.
Here we go again........
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The Jerry Springer birthday party...
After 11 days of being late - I have started my period. Well, kind of. I woke up this morning with the teeniest bit of spotting which has now stopped. But I've had awful cramping all day. It's not entirely abnormal for my body to stop/start at the beginning...but if I don't have some serious action by Tuesday, I'm off to the doc. I don't believe at all that I'm pregnant, but I'm starting to get really concerned that the drugs have done something to just shut my reproductive system down. I've already broken out the basal thermometer and I'm going to chart that all month just for piece of mind. I had mentioned the late issue to my nurse on Friday...and her response was "well, sometimes it takes a while for your body to readjust after IVF." God if this has screwed me up permanently I'll never forgive myself. I'm the person that eats all organic - even my milk is organic for god's sakes. The "hardest" drug I take is Tylenol and that's only if I REALLY need it. And here I am taking injections like a crack addict.
J's birthday bash went down last night. It started off really well and then went downhill quickly. Had a lovely dinner at a place downtown, caught a little bit of the band that was playing. Then decided to head down the street to a club that has pool tables. We walk into the bar and the meat-head doorman demands that we pay a cover for the two of us and the rest of our party that walked in ahead of us unaware of the cover. Only we don’t have cash. There's no ATM for a good 5 blocks, it's 2 degrees out and I'm wearing REALLY uncomfortable heels. I ask if I can go to the bar and get cash, and this guy threatens to call the police. What the…? So I end up with an argument with the idiot doorman (who lets the 10 hot-chicks-with-fake-boobs behind us in for free). He was an ass. Meanwhile it’s so loud and crowded in this place that our party doesn’t even realize we haven’t made it IN the bar. Nobody can hear their cell phones ring and the jackass door-guy won’t even let me to the bar to get their attention. So here we are on J’s birthday standing outside freezing, looking in the window at his birthday guests drinking at the bar.
However, in the midst of me being furious in the freezing ass cold, watching our friends drinking in the warm bar, and trying to keep my husband, who's twice my size, from falling down on the sidewalk, I had a marital epiphany. No matter what kind of crazy madness is going on with us, I was ready to beat down everybody in my path, all in the name of a birthday party. MY husband's birthday. It was his day, and I was willing to do anything to make sure he had a great time and anybody getting in the way of that was going to have to deal with a spoonful of hormone-raging-ME. And it just hit me: For the last 2 months, our relationship has been so screwed up over all this fertility crap. But despite that...I've still got his back and I know he's got mine - no matter what. I guess I needed something to get really worked up over to remind me of something that simple and basis. It's something I've always known about us, of course...but I can't tell you how much I needed that reminder.
So I guess in a weird way, the party was a raging success. I'm glad the weekend is over. The company has left, my husband and I are truly enjoying each other's company again (despite his hangover), and my body shows signs of working….
J's birthday bash went down last night. It started off really well and then went downhill quickly. Had a lovely dinner at a place downtown, caught a little bit of the band that was playing. Then decided to head down the street to a club that has pool tables. We walk into the bar and the meat-head doorman demands that we pay a cover for the two of us and the rest of our party that walked in ahead of us unaware of the cover. Only we don’t have cash. There's no ATM for a good 5 blocks, it's 2 degrees out and I'm wearing REALLY uncomfortable heels. I ask if I can go to the bar and get cash, and this guy threatens to call the police. What the…? So I end up with an argument with the idiot doorman (who lets the 10 hot-chicks-with-fake-boobs behind us in for free). He was an ass. Meanwhile it’s so loud and crowded in this place that our party doesn’t even realize we haven’t made it IN the bar. Nobody can hear their cell phones ring and the jackass door-guy won’t even let me to the bar to get their attention. So here we are on J’s birthday standing outside freezing, looking in the window at his birthday guests drinking at the bar.
However, in the midst of me being furious in the freezing ass cold, watching our friends drinking in the warm bar, and trying to keep my husband, who's twice my size, from falling down on the sidewalk, I had a marital epiphany. No matter what kind of crazy madness is going on with us, I was ready to beat down everybody in my path, all in the name of a birthday party. MY husband's birthday. It was his day, and I was willing to do anything to make sure he had a great time and anybody getting in the way of that was going to have to deal with a spoonful of hormone-raging-ME. And it just hit me: For the last 2 months, our relationship has been so screwed up over all this fertility crap. But despite that...I've still got his back and I know he's got mine - no matter what. I guess I needed something to get really worked up over to remind me of something that simple and basis. It's something I've always known about us, of course...but I can't tell you how much I needed that reminder.
So I guess in a weird way, the party was a raging success. I'm glad the weekend is over. The company has left, my husband and I are truly enjoying each other's company again (despite his hangover), and my body shows signs of working….
Friday, February 9, 2007
Blah...(part duex)
Ok, so to add to my last insane rant (I swear to god I used to be a delightful person):
I spent a good part of my day today just scrolling around on blogs / threads / research papers...etc...trying to convince myself that my level of freaking out about starting IVF is normal. Turns out it is...of course all that proves is I'm not alone among online strangers. Not really all that helpful. So as I go through the day, I'm starting to feel a little better. Went to the grocery store during lunch (to finally order a damn cake) – had a conversation with this 85-year-old man who was bagging my groceries...my god, he was fantastic. I actually walked out of the grocery store with a smile on my face feeling 20 pounds lighter. It was like a glimpse into feeling “normal” again.
I get home - my phone line seems to not be working for whatever reason (it cut me off this morning 20 minutes into being on hold with my insurance company...then I spent another 30 minutes trying to get somebody the second time....besides the point...). So apparently my doctor's office has been trying to get in touch with me all day - they finally call my cell - to tell me:
"We're pushing everybody's cycle back a month so we can move to a new office."
Are you f-ing kidding me?? Had my period been on time...I would have been on pills for almost 2 weeks and be starting injections on Wednesday. And they're just now telling me this? What?
I'm pissed that they were so unorganized. I'm pissed that I now get to waste another month doing nothing. I'm pissed because I know I'm going to freak out in a month from now when injections are about to start (again). I'm relieved that my body gets another month of rest. I'm relieved that it's getting put off for a few more weeks. I'm horribly sad that it's being put off for a few more weeks.
And then to add to it all, we have friends in the hospital that just had a baby. And of course we’ll have to make that conciliatory visit to ooh-and-ahh over her. I'm just not up for it. I really don't know if I'll be able to hold it together. And I have to do it knowing that we’re wasting one more month doing nothing. And I'm totally dreading the fact that J and I will just continue to relieve the last 2 months of emotional crap while we wait in limbo.
I'm so tired. Is there such thing as going on an emotional vacation? I would really, really like to shut down and go back to the days when I was like six. Man, that was a good year....no responsibilities, no worries...just drinking kool-aid, running through the sprinkler and riding my Big-Wheel....good times.
I'm feeling so screwed up right now. I'm emotional (why the HELL won't my period just start for god's sakes so I can start to feel normal again?!?!)...I'm stressed...I'm angry...I'm sad.
I spent a good part of my day today just scrolling around on blogs / threads / research papers...etc...trying to convince myself that my level of freaking out about starting IVF is normal. Turns out it is...of course all that proves is I'm not alone among online strangers. Not really all that helpful. So as I go through the day, I'm starting to feel a little better. Went to the grocery store during lunch (to finally order a damn cake) – had a conversation with this 85-year-old man who was bagging my groceries...my god, he was fantastic. I actually walked out of the grocery store with a smile on my face feeling 20 pounds lighter. It was like a glimpse into feeling “normal” again.
I get home - my phone line seems to not be working for whatever reason (it cut me off this morning 20 minutes into being on hold with my insurance company...then I spent another 30 minutes trying to get somebody the second time....besides the point...). So apparently my doctor's office has been trying to get in touch with me all day - they finally call my cell - to tell me:
"We're pushing everybody's cycle back a month so we can move to a new office."
Are you f-ing kidding me?? Had my period been on time...I would have been on pills for almost 2 weeks and be starting injections on Wednesday. And they're just now telling me this? What?
I'm pissed that they were so unorganized. I'm pissed that I now get to waste another month doing nothing. I'm pissed because I know I'm going to freak out in a month from now when injections are about to start (again). I'm relieved that my body gets another month of rest. I'm relieved that it's getting put off for a few more weeks. I'm horribly sad that it's being put off for a few more weeks.
And then to add to it all, we have friends in the hospital that just had a baby. And of course we’ll have to make that conciliatory visit to ooh-and-ahh over her. I'm just not up for it. I really don't know if I'll be able to hold it together. And I have to do it knowing that we’re wasting one more month doing nothing. And I'm totally dreading the fact that J and I will just continue to relieve the last 2 months of emotional crap while we wait in limbo.
I'm so tired. Is there such thing as going on an emotional vacation? I would really, really like to shut down and go back to the days when I was like six. Man, that was a good year....no responsibilities, no worries...just drinking kool-aid, running through the sprinkler and riding my Big-Wheel....good times.
I'm feeling so screwed up right now. I'm emotional (why the HELL won't my period just start for god's sakes so I can start to feel normal again?!?!)...I'm stressed...I'm angry...I'm sad.
Blah...
I'm feeling so down today.
I'm completely losing my mind about starting a new IVF round. Part of me wishes we would've skipped this cycle and signed up for the next one. But I know if we'd done that - there's no way I'd be able to talk myself into doing this again. I feel so depressed - and not in control of a damn thing.
To top it off – my period is 9 days late now. I broke down and took a pregnancy test last night. It wasn't JUST negative - it was laugh-in-my-face negative. You've never seen a line THAT bright, light up THAT fast.
J and I are not getting along. Actually, it's more, I'M not getting along with him. He's calm and laid back about it and treats me like a child having a tantrum every time I try to talk about how I'm feeling. Yes, I am overreacting - no doubt about it. But I'm terrified and angry and bitter and he has this "it'll all work out" attitude which is just pissing me the hell off. Yep, I know it'll be alright. Physically I will survive this just like I did the last time. Mentally all I can think about is...for the next 6 weeks I will be completely dependent on other people to inject me every day at the same time - daily trips to the lab for blood work and ultrasounds which i will have to plan my whole day around. The list is long...but it's all about things I have to do. I've got to shuffle my work around so I can take afternoons off - I've got to plan work around the fact that I know the first drug makes me so tired I have a hard time staying awake for an entire work-day. I've got to plan around the fact that the second drug makes me dizzy - so I can't drive for the 2 weeks I'm on it. Etc...etc...etc. oh - and of course the inevitable mental breakdown...the physical pain...again - etc.
This weekend is J’s birthday party and it didn’t even occur to me until 10 minutes ago that I need to get a cake. It just seems like the smallest tasks the last few days have become cause for full-blown anxiety attacks. I feel so overwhelmed by the most mundane things. We've got friends coming in tonight to stay the weekend. The thought of having to entertain for 2 whole days makes my head explode. Of course who knows - it might turn out to be a good distraction.
Flipping through old posts, I realize I had the EXACT same emotional meltdown a few weeks before we started injections last time. Oh god, is this my new normal? I'm sure my perpetual PMS from the last 2 weeks is probably just fueling the fire.
Alright - going to try to pick myself up and get some work done. I'd do anything to go back to bed right now.
I'm completely losing my mind about starting a new IVF round. Part of me wishes we would've skipped this cycle and signed up for the next one. But I know if we'd done that - there's no way I'd be able to talk myself into doing this again. I feel so depressed - and not in control of a damn thing.
To top it off – my period is 9 days late now. I broke down and took a pregnancy test last night. It wasn't JUST negative - it was laugh-in-my-face negative. You've never seen a line THAT bright, light up THAT fast.
J and I are not getting along. Actually, it's more, I'M not getting along with him. He's calm and laid back about it and treats me like a child having a tantrum every time I try to talk about how I'm feeling. Yes, I am overreacting - no doubt about it. But I'm terrified and angry and bitter and he has this "it'll all work out" attitude which is just pissing me the hell off. Yep, I know it'll be alright. Physically I will survive this just like I did the last time. Mentally all I can think about is...for the next 6 weeks I will be completely dependent on other people to inject me every day at the same time - daily trips to the lab for blood work and ultrasounds which i will have to plan my whole day around. The list is long...but it's all about things I have to do. I've got to shuffle my work around so I can take afternoons off - I've got to plan work around the fact that I know the first drug makes me so tired I have a hard time staying awake for an entire work-day. I've got to plan around the fact that the second drug makes me dizzy - so I can't drive for the 2 weeks I'm on it. Etc...etc...etc. oh - and of course the inevitable mental breakdown...the physical pain...again - etc.
This weekend is J’s birthday party and it didn’t even occur to me until 10 minutes ago that I need to get a cake. It just seems like the smallest tasks the last few days have become cause for full-blown anxiety attacks. I feel so overwhelmed by the most mundane things. We've got friends coming in tonight to stay the weekend. The thought of having to entertain for 2 whole days makes my head explode. Of course who knows - it might turn out to be a good distraction.
Flipping through old posts, I realize I had the EXACT same emotional meltdown a few weeks before we started injections last time. Oh god, is this my new normal? I'm sure my perpetual PMS from the last 2 weeks is probably just fueling the fire.
Alright - going to try to pick myself up and get some work done. I'd do anything to go back to bed right now.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
The Late Mantra...
My period is SIX days late. I'm never late.
I refuse, refuse, refuse to buy a pregnacy test. I refuse to think there's even a possibility that I could get pregnant unless through IVF. I refuse to cry when my period does finally start. I will be happy when my period shows up because that means I start on birth control that day...which means IVF is about to start. And I refuse to freak out.
I just refuse to freak out.
I refuse, refuse, refuse to buy a pregnacy test. I refuse to think there's even a possibility that I could get pregnant unless through IVF. I refuse to cry when my period does finally start. I will be happy when my period shows up because that means I start on birth control that day...which means IVF is about to start. And I refuse to freak out.
I just refuse to freak out.
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