I had my appointment with the specialist today. They did another ultrasound. After two people (one was the doc the other was the u/s tech) took a look at my lump, they were both in agreement: it needs to come out. This being said after neither of them could tell me what it was.
I was smooshed to the ultrasound machine for a good 30 minutes while they hemmed and hawed over me. They pointed out what a cyst looks like...I had one - they showed me. A round shaped thing, totally black on the screen - very defined edges. Well this lump shows up as kind of a shadowy thing with no real defined edges.
The doc said he could do a biopsy - stick a needle in there and send it off for testing. However, he said that even if it did come back clean, he said he would worry that maybe he hadn't gotten the needle into all the "muck" - maybe he missed something...etc, and he would still want me to have it removed. My second option was just to have it removed, they'll send that off for testing. I'm not one for having a needle stuck in me for no reason, so they're removing this thing on December 13th. He said he could just numb it and do the surgery while I'm awake...but I told him I'd rather be asleep for this crap. I want no memories of this.
I go in for bloodwork on December 10th.
I just keep repeating to myself (out loud and in my head) that there's no point in freaking out - I won't know anything until after the results come back. I'm not at all scared about the surgery. I mean it sucks to be going in for a breast reduction given my already below average girls...I need all the tumors I've got to fill out my bikini while i'm in Belize. It didn't occur to me to even ask if there will be scarring, or if I'm going to be all deformed and crap. He gave me the options and before he finished his sentence I said: take it out.
It also occurs to me that it's weird they didn't do a mammogram, right? I don't know where my brain was while I was in that appointment. I thought I was referred there specifically for a mammo. Instead they did another u/s. I did tell them that I'd already had one done. I don't know why. I think I might be crackin' up a little...it really didn't even occur to me to ask.
I think I'm terrified. Although i'm not even sure of that.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Update:
Ok, I take it back - it wasn't some crazy "accident" that I find out from the internet that my brother/SIL are having their second kid. I actually got a MySpace bulletin with them announcing it. It's apparently how they're letting their family know. Really, that's class.
!@$#%^&*(&*%#%*#^!
!@$#%^&*(&*%#%*#^!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Got Mold?
So, health issues explained: we've got mold. Not the horrendous Black Mold where you have to tear down walls, bulldoze the house or otherwise start over...other mold. The kind that makes me wake up in the middle of the night sneezing.
We had our house tested last week - I can't seem to get healthy lately. Allergies / colds / sinus infections, you name it. So we dished out $300 for some dude to spend 10 minutes walking around the house testing our air.
Diagnosis: Penicillium.
You'd think with an antibiotic name like that I'd be extra healthy. Not the case.
Fortunately, it's only in the basement (unfortunately so is the furnace which means it gets blown all over the house). But it just means reshuffling a few things on our "shit to fix" list. For instance, waterproofing the basement, venting the dryer, having the ductwork cleaned out.
Can't wait to start feeling better. There are only 2 drugs that allow me to breath and not sneeze until my nose bleeds: Benadryl, which puts me into an instant coma, and Mucinex, which lets me breath, but gives me insomnia.
So listen up all you mold spores - I'm coming for ya. This war has just begun.
We had our house tested last week - I can't seem to get healthy lately. Allergies / colds / sinus infections, you name it. So we dished out $300 for some dude to spend 10 minutes walking around the house testing our air.
Diagnosis: Penicillium.
You'd think with an antibiotic name like that I'd be extra healthy. Not the case.
Fortunately, it's only in the basement (unfortunately so is the furnace which means it gets blown all over the house). But it just means reshuffling a few things on our "shit to fix" list. For instance, waterproofing the basement, venting the dryer, having the ductwork cleaned out.
Can't wait to start feeling better. There are only 2 drugs that allow me to breath and not sneeze until my nose bleeds: Benadryl, which puts me into an instant coma, and Mucinex, which lets me breath, but gives me insomnia.
So listen up all you mold spores - I'm coming for ya. This war has just begun.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Did I mention I invented the Internet?
How lovely is this one a scale of 1 -1o? I just found out my SIL is expecting her 2nd child. How did I discover this? From a post on the internet.
Nothing like a little sensitivity to get ya goin' in the morning.
Did I mention I'm sick of everybody around me getting pregnant?
Nothing like a little sensitivity to get ya goin' in the morning.
Did I mention I'm sick of everybody around me getting pregnant?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Things that go lump in the night
Well it turns out denial doesn't do much after all. I had a doctor appointment today that I've been trying not to think about or talk about since I scheduled it 12 long days ago. Unfortunately real life doesn't give a crap about denial and instead I find myself left with this one fact:
I am 30 years old and as of 3pm this afternoon I have a surgical consultation about a lump in my breast that my doctor can't identify.
She did a sonogram during my office visit and the only thing I know for sure is, it isn't a cyst.
After that I was shuffled off to the scheduling nurse who set up my consult with a breast surgeon and then scooted me out the door. I'm told they will do a mammogram and depending on that, possibly a biopsy. Ever the optimist (stop laughing), I spent 0.16 seconds on Google, and this is the first website I found:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2003/09/26/hmert26.xml&sSheet=/health/2003/09/26/ixhmain.html
My appointment is November 27th.
I am 30 years old and as of 3pm this afternoon I have a surgical consultation about a lump in my breast that my doctor can't identify.
She did a sonogram during my office visit and the only thing I know for sure is, it isn't a cyst.
After that I was shuffled off to the scheduling nurse who set up my consult with a breast surgeon and then scooted me out the door. I'm told they will do a mammogram and depending on that, possibly a biopsy. Ever the optimist (stop laughing), I spent 0.16 seconds on Google, and this is the first website I found:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2003/09/26/hmert26.xml&sSheet=/health/2003/09/26/ixhmain.html
My appointment is November 27th.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Hodgepodge of nonsense
Phew...what a few weeks...few months... Can you believe it's November? The air is crisp, the leaves are crispy. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. My mother in law asked me what I wanted for Christmas today. WHAT? It's no longer August? When did that happen?
Things have been fast for the last month or so. I took a trip out to CA to visit my brother, his wife and my nephew (my brother is in the Marines). It was a good visit, but a whirlwind. The wildfires started there the day we left - they were evacuated shortly after. I'm sure to them it feels like the visit never even happened after all that. But it was a good time - just wish we had spent more time visiting than trying to fit in all the sightseeing that we did. We did a little trip up to LA, San Diego, and then my other brother and my father and I went down to Tijuana. Oy...don't ever go there. Horrible place - dirty, poor and just all around sad. It's no wonder we have immigration issues in this country. Hell, one afternoon in TJ and legislators would be passing bills making it illegal to NOT come into this country. Really, it was a life experience.
The hubby has been jet-setting around the world. Well, not the world, but the midwest anyway. His company has him hopping around on private jets being wined/dined by huge corporations...big fancy expensive dinners out, golfing and...even a strip club on the latest venture. My god, what a life he leads.
We've made good friends with our new neighbors - they're about our age - awesome people. I continue to "grow" in my infertility journey. And by "grow", what I mean is she's pregnant and I haven't bitten anyone's head off about it yet. Look at me - it's like I'm all growed up. They seem to be pretty incredible people actually. I'm looking forward to spending more time with them.
We've decided to dive back into some more house construction (when will I learn?). It's been one week and already it's been one disaster after another. Honestly, so many things have gone wrong we've just been kicking back at night with some wine and laughing about it. We pulled up a portion of our bedroom flooring that was carpeted - we're replacing it with hardwoods. Only the nailer that we rented wouldn't work. We had it for 2 days and accomplished nothing. Oh, and to add to the stupidity of the situation, when we dismantled the bed, we leaned it up against the closet door and then stacked the dressers and various other crap in front of THAT. I haven't been able to get to my clothes in a week now. Smart move, right?
The reason for the carpeting having to go is I've had a really hard time with my allergies since we moved into this place. We've got somebody coming out next month to clean and sanitize our duct system. If that doesn't work, we're going to have someone come test for mold. It's been a year and a half - I wake up sneezing almost every morning, and even sometimes in the middle of the night. I'm not one to drug myself often, so I've been pretty miserable. Plus, I work from home, so I'm always around whatever it is. In fact right now I'm trying to shake a 2 week cold, which (so far) has turned in to a 3 week sinus infection. Antibiotics are only starting to help kill it.
Anyway - back to our construction disasters. As I mentioned, we took apart all of our bedroom furniture, which means we have been sleeping in the guest room for a week now. It's only a double bed in the guest room (we're used to a king). Not enough space for the 2 of us and the dog. Did I mention the dog is insanely spoiled and will NOT sleep on the floor by herself? We ended up moving a futon matress into the guest room and threw it on the floor. Me and the dog are sleeping together, hubby is in the bed. Pure, stinkin' rotten. But damn she's cute. She's also probably a big part of my allergy issue....
I talked to my doctor about all the problems I've been having - kind of gave her my recent medical history and she mentioned that doing IVF (all those hormones) can actually change your body chemistry. So something I might not have been allergic to before I took all the drugs, I could be very allergic to now. Once the holidays calm down I think I'm going to go in for a new round of allergy testing - haven't had it done in 10 years.
I can't help but wonder if the constant allergies may have affected the outcome of our IVFs. I've read where your immune system can literally attack and kill off the embryos. Mine has been in overdrive for quite some time now. Can't help but thing that could've had something to do with it.
In other health news. I am officially calling myself a vegetarian. I haven't had meat in over 7 months now. I did it for animal rights reasons, but I've been reading that getting all that gunk out of your system can actually help with IVF (among a zillion other health benefits). All the more reason to keep at it. I'm feeling pretty good - much more conscious about what goes into my body...definitely getting more vitamins.
This summer has been a godsend to me. Not only have I made some healthy lifestyle changes, but I really feel like I've been able to detox emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I still have days...well, not even days really, more like hours here and there, where the sadness of our journey will just blindside me and mow me over without warning. But overall, it was a hugely needed break not only physically, but for my mental state. It's the first time in over 4 years where I can truly say that it's not in the forefront of my brain at all times. It's lurking in there of course, but it's not a driving force.
I think most of it was (is) trying to get past the guilt of two failed IVFs. Guilt is a powerful thing isn't it? Those poor Catholics. :) As completely insane as it sounds, it was getting past the idea that "I" - or "My Body" killed off our embryos. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? Completely illogical. But that was it. I wasn't able to think "it just didn't work". In my head it was "it would've worked if I hadn't killed them." I just knew that I had done something wrong. It was my fault. Hell, even after having self-proclaimed myself "guilt-free" seconds ago, it still seems somehow *wrong* to say it wasn't my fault. Maybe that feeling never really goes away. It's all in how you move on, I suppose. I'll just keep working at it like everybody else.
We kept saying we were going to do IVF after my birthday (that was August). Well, 2 months later and I'm only just starting to toy with the idea again. J and I talked about setting up a consultation last night. I actually just signed up for an appointment online (they're supposed to call back in 48 hours to set it up).
Our plan is to do a consultation in January. Why January? Because we are going to Belize for New Year's. We get back in the wee hours of January 3rd. So we're going to try to get an appointment that day while we're in The Big City. We will not be going with the doctor we have used for the last 2 cycles. Hopefully this new clinic won't mind IVF-ing us from 4 hours away. I really don't think it should be a problem, but we just need to hammer out the details. More details to come, I'm trying not to use up too much brain power on it:
My focus is more on our trip. BELIZE!! How could you not be excited about that trip? I am very much looking forward to it. And if it deadens the fear of having a consultation, that's even better. :)
That's the latest......more later.
Things have been fast for the last month or so. I took a trip out to CA to visit my brother, his wife and my nephew (my brother is in the Marines). It was a good visit, but a whirlwind. The wildfires started there the day we left - they were evacuated shortly after. I'm sure to them it feels like the visit never even happened after all that. But it was a good time - just wish we had spent more time visiting than trying to fit in all the sightseeing that we did. We did a little trip up to LA, San Diego, and then my other brother and my father and I went down to Tijuana. Oy...don't ever go there. Horrible place - dirty, poor and just all around sad. It's no wonder we have immigration issues in this country. Hell, one afternoon in TJ and legislators would be passing bills making it illegal to NOT come into this country. Really, it was a life experience.
The hubby has been jet-setting around the world. Well, not the world, but the midwest anyway. His company has him hopping around on private jets being wined/dined by huge corporations...big fancy expensive dinners out, golfing and...even a strip club on the latest venture. My god, what a life he leads.
We've made good friends with our new neighbors - they're about our age - awesome people. I continue to "grow" in my infertility journey. And by "grow", what I mean is she's pregnant and I haven't bitten anyone's head off about it yet. Look at me - it's like I'm all growed up. They seem to be pretty incredible people actually. I'm looking forward to spending more time with them.
We've decided to dive back into some more house construction (when will I learn?). It's been one week and already it's been one disaster after another. Honestly, so many things have gone wrong we've just been kicking back at night with some wine and laughing about it. We pulled up a portion of our bedroom flooring that was carpeted - we're replacing it with hardwoods. Only the nailer that we rented wouldn't work. We had it for 2 days and accomplished nothing. Oh, and to add to the stupidity of the situation, when we dismantled the bed, we leaned it up against the closet door and then stacked the dressers and various other crap in front of THAT. I haven't been able to get to my clothes in a week now. Smart move, right?
The reason for the carpeting having to go is I've had a really hard time with my allergies since we moved into this place. We've got somebody coming out next month to clean and sanitize our duct system. If that doesn't work, we're going to have someone come test for mold. It's been a year and a half - I wake up sneezing almost every morning, and even sometimes in the middle of the night. I'm not one to drug myself often, so I've been pretty miserable. Plus, I work from home, so I'm always around whatever it is. In fact right now I'm trying to shake a 2 week cold, which (so far) has turned in to a 3 week sinus infection. Antibiotics are only starting to help kill it.
Anyway - back to our construction disasters. As I mentioned, we took apart all of our bedroom furniture, which means we have been sleeping in the guest room for a week now. It's only a double bed in the guest room (we're used to a king). Not enough space for the 2 of us and the dog. Did I mention the dog is insanely spoiled and will NOT sleep on the floor by herself? We ended up moving a futon matress into the guest room and threw it on the floor. Me and the dog are sleeping together, hubby is in the bed. Pure, stinkin' rotten. But damn she's cute. She's also probably a big part of my allergy issue....
I talked to my doctor about all the problems I've been having - kind of gave her my recent medical history and she mentioned that doing IVF (all those hormones) can actually change your body chemistry. So something I might not have been allergic to before I took all the drugs, I could be very allergic to now. Once the holidays calm down I think I'm going to go in for a new round of allergy testing - haven't had it done in 10 years.
I can't help but wonder if the constant allergies may have affected the outcome of our IVFs. I've read where your immune system can literally attack and kill off the embryos. Mine has been in overdrive for quite some time now. Can't help but thing that could've had something to do with it.
In other health news. I am officially calling myself a vegetarian. I haven't had meat in over 7 months now. I did it for animal rights reasons, but I've been reading that getting all that gunk out of your system can actually help with IVF (among a zillion other health benefits). All the more reason to keep at it. I'm feeling pretty good - much more conscious about what goes into my body...definitely getting more vitamins.
This summer has been a godsend to me. Not only have I made some healthy lifestyle changes, but I really feel like I've been able to detox emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I still have days...well, not even days really, more like hours here and there, where the sadness of our journey will just blindside me and mow me over without warning. But overall, it was a hugely needed break not only physically, but for my mental state. It's the first time in over 4 years where I can truly say that it's not in the forefront of my brain at all times. It's lurking in there of course, but it's not a driving force.
I think most of it was (is) trying to get past the guilt of two failed IVFs. Guilt is a powerful thing isn't it? Those poor Catholics. :) As completely insane as it sounds, it was getting past the idea that "I" - or "My Body" killed off our embryos. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? Completely illogical. But that was it. I wasn't able to think "it just didn't work". In my head it was "it would've worked if I hadn't killed them." I just knew that I had done something wrong. It was my fault. Hell, even after having self-proclaimed myself "guilt-free" seconds ago, it still seems somehow *wrong* to say it wasn't my fault. Maybe that feeling never really goes away. It's all in how you move on, I suppose. I'll just keep working at it like everybody else.
We kept saying we were going to do IVF after my birthday (that was August). Well, 2 months later and I'm only just starting to toy with the idea again. J and I talked about setting up a consultation last night. I actually just signed up for an appointment online (they're supposed to call back in 48 hours to set it up).
Our plan is to do a consultation in January. Why January? Because we are going to Belize for New Year's. We get back in the wee hours of January 3rd. So we're going to try to get an appointment that day while we're in The Big City. We will not be going with the doctor we have used for the last 2 cycles. Hopefully this new clinic won't mind IVF-ing us from 4 hours away. I really don't think it should be a problem, but we just need to hammer out the details. More details to come, I'm trying not to use up too much brain power on it:
My focus is more on our trip. BELIZE!! How could you not be excited about that trip? I am very much looking forward to it. And if it deadens the fear of having a consultation, that's even better. :)
That's the latest......more later.
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