Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The After...

Turns out I'm not handling all this as well as I thought. I woke up last Friday and thought - you know what...we'll just move on, we'll try it again, I need to focus on that. In fact Friday night, I had a friend's 30th birthday that we went to - had a great time. Woke up Saturday (hungover as hell) came downstairs, made myself a pot of coffee (regular...aaahhhh), reached for the door to the fridge to get the milk out. And what is hanging on the fridge? My little baby embryo pictures. And the ultrasound pics of them in me. Started crying..felt guilty as hell for having fun a whole 24 hours after the bad news. God I suck. Spent the whole day on the couch a total wreck. Then had another 30th birthday party to go to that night. DH literally dragged me. This is the guy who's wife's now very pregnant. I didn't last very long at the party...J got a ride with someone else so I could go home. Got in bed as soon as I walked in the door.

Spent all day Sunday at my cousin's house with their 3 small children. At first being around the kids was actually making me feel better. Then I had 2 hot flashes (still getting side effects to the drugs), which left me pretty much spent. J drove us home...for whatever reason I started bawling in the car. Got home, cried some more.

I have had a horrible headache for the last few days. So I got online - apparently there are "after effects" of the drugs I was on. Some of the websites I've seen say they can last for MONTHS. I've been on my period for a week now with the heaviest bleeding I've ever had, and it shows no signs of slowing down. Apparently that's due to all the progesterone (since it thickens the lining...horrible periods after you go off it...or at least that MUCH of it).

The tops of both my hands are STILL bruised from bloodwork and IV's. In fact I can literally feel down the entire side of my right arm all the way to my elbow where the drug dripped in the IV (3 weeks ago). I had a small allergic reaction to the sedatives which I swear to god felt like someone was pouring gasoline into my vein. On a good note - the bruises on my tummy have finally disappeared. It's been over 3 weeks since my last injection (in my stomach at least)...that should give you some idea of how "beaten" I was looking.

Not sure if it's residual drugs, extended period, after reaction of the "big fat negative"...but I'm an emotional mop right now. I've bitten J's head off at least 17 times. Today. And he's at work. I don't feel like getting off the couch and yet I'm restless.

And I have embryo pictures and an ultrasound picture and 2 baby outfits (how could I be that stupid?) that I need to get out of my sight. I don't get why this is so damn hard for some people. It's just getting pregnant - everybody in high school did it! This is one of those moments where I'd like to kick Karma's ass. Ok, that's probably not going to earn me any brownie points...but I really think I'd feel better.

So that's the sob story. I'm sure I'll get it together. I just found out that there is a holistic healing center near my house. They do massages, acupuncture, herbal remedies. I'm going to check it out. Maybe if I can get myself relaxed enough for Round #2, it will work. I read somewhere that acupuncture can help with embryo attachment....maybe I'll try that. Though I need a break from needles before I make THAT appointment.

I'm definitely going to talk to my nurse at the fertility clinic about putting together a support group for this next round. I had talked about doing it last time, but my brain was too busy with whta was about to happen that it never went anywhere. At least this time I kind what to expect. I know there's doc/patient confidentiality...but I'm sure the nurse can give people my number if I ask. We'll see. I just think it's so much easier if you've got peeps in the same situation.

Alright...I need to get off the couch and at the very least - SHOWER. It's going on 4pm.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Big Fat Negative

Just got the results - it's negative. My hCG levels were below 1. Apparently the doc sent me in for the bloodwork just to determine if it was my period or a miscarriage. It was my period. He said best guess - they just never attached. that's why there's only a 40% success rate. no reason for it.

My name is down for the next ivf cycle in march. I've got a doc appointment on january 17th...and i'll start on birth control sometime after that.

I guess i'm ok. DH is a wreck.

Results Day...doesn't look good

No results yet. I'm hoping they'll call soon, although I already know that it's negative. And oddly enough I'm already coming to grips with it.

I called the doc this morning to tell him about the heavy bleeding and to see if I should even go for the test. He told me to go ahead and do it and at the very least they can get an idea of where my hormone levels are today and maybe they can figure out if there was a specific problem that they can look out for next time.

Plus...probably a good idea to be totally sure that I'm NOT pregnant before I hit the bottle extra hard this weekend.

I cried the entire time I was at the lab this morning (the nurse thought she had seriously injured me when she took blood...tried to explain to her, but it came out like "sniff, blah, blah, sniffle, sob, moan"). I and cried even harder on the drive home. And then I thought to myself: how screwed up does this "higher power" or Karma or the Universe in general, whatever - have to be to me that I actually wore a TAMPON to my pregnancy test and I'm STILL thinking maybe it's positive anyway. Then I started laughing like a crazy person. And over the last 2 hours it's just kind of sunk in that I knew the whole time I wasn't pregnant...and at least for Round Two I know what to expect and maybe I'll be able to handle it better (I'm such a nervous person when it comes to doctors). So maybe I won't be so nervous and I'll be relaxed and that will give me a better chance.

Plus I'm trying to make a mental list of things that I can do being once again in the world of the non-preggies. For instance...paint, lift things, start back to the gym (yeah, right). I've truly missed my dear friend Blue Cheese...so I'll make it a point to have some tonight. I'm going to go to shitloads of wine tastings and I'm switching back to regular coffee. Not to mention I won't be terrified to have sex...so there's a plus for DH (we haven't done it since the implantation...and I don't want to be one of those crazy women who doesn't have sex while they're pregnant).

All that said...I'm sure I'll be sobbing again when the "official" news comes in. Why doesn't the phone just ring and just put me out of my misery?? Trying to stay positive...I mean I've lost nothing, right?

Monday, December 11, 2006

I hate the internet

The internet is going to be the death of me. I swear to god. Everytime I get even the teenist little twinge in a TOE...I am online to see if that's a sign of early pregnancy. I'm going to lose my freakin' mind before the test on Thursday.

I was just surfing and came across the term "chemical pregnancy". It's where you might have been pregnant for a few days...just enough to get your hCG levels up, and then it "vanished"...but the hormones were still in your body. So the preg test says positive...but it's just because the surge of hormones hasn't gone away.

SOO...if I get a positive test...this is what I'll be thinking about. And if it comes out negative...I'll be thinking that MAYBE they mixed my test up with somebody else's and I should still be careful.

So I suppose I shouldn't even be worried about TAKING the test...as I won't believe it either way.

I'll be 9 months pregnant before I start telling people (and myself) that I'm having a baby.

Friday, December 1, 2006

I'M (technically) PREGNANT!

YAY! The implantation happened this morning...it's been over 12 hours since our two little embryos took up residence inside. It's SO freakin' cool to think that something amazing might be going on in there right now. I've been rubbing my belly all day. I hope they like their new home. I hope, I hope, I hope.....

So here's the recap of our day:

We got to the doc office around 5:30 am and had time to talk to the embryologist before the doc got there. This guy is great...calls everybody "kiddo"...not in a weird way...it's like having your dad there beside you. He's awesome. He'll talk your ear off. Love him. Anyway, he tells us that we have 2 8-cell embryos, 1 6-cell, 2 4-cells, and 1 2-cell. So obviously the best bet are the 2 8-cell embryos. But he also suggests that maybe we should implant the 6-cell embryo just to increase our chances. He gave us this big talk about "no regrets". He said he didn't want to see us have a negative preg test and think "damn, we should've done all three embryos.". So at that point, we're thinking...hmmm, 3's not bad. And truthfully, I wouldn't mind having 3 kids. But being pregnant with 3 would royally suck. So he says - talk it over, ask the doc...make your decision. So the doc gets there and he says that implanting 3 embryos is probably a good idea.

Caveat: He tells me that if all 3 take...there's NO I can carry triplets because I'm too small. In fact he says he absolutely won't let me do it. He had a patient a few years ago my size - they did 3, got preg with trips...she had them at 24 weeks - they were all blind and deaf...parents ended up divorced - it was a mess. So he says I'd have to do a "selective reduction". Basically, we'd be forced to abort one so the other two would have a chance. J and I just decided that we'd rather live with the regret of having a negative preg test than to live with the guilt of aborting a baby later on. So we decided on 2 embryos (the 8-cell beebees) The docs were totally supportive (even thought they both recommended we do 3).

The embryologist said he was going to keep an eye on the rest of the embryos to see if they continue to grow at all. More than likely the 4-cell and 2-cell embryos are just slackers and they're not going to do much. So our hope is riding on the 6-cell. If that will continue to grow for the next 2 days, they'll freeze it (Sunday is d-day for that...anything past Sunday and the embryo starts to degenerate) and we can try to use it later (it's a much lower success rate if it's frozen). It's a bit of a let-down that we only have a shot at freezing one...I was hoping to have more embryos as backups in the freezer if this round doesn't work. If not...and we want to try again...I have to go through all the injections again. Blah.

After all that was settled, we got started on the implantation. DH was allowed to be in the operating room with me the whole time...I was so glad. Going along with the theme that NOTHING seems to go easily for me in this fertility journey - the procedure was supposed to take 5-10 minutes and be painless. It took an hour and a half. And even though I was sedated (I was awake, but drugged), it hurt like a m-f-er. My uterus is tilted backwards - this isn't new and exciting news. The surprising part was how far back it's actually tilted. What they do is put a catheter in you with an internal sonogram. Well, he breaks out the first catheter...it's too short and not flexible enough to manuever all the curves of my tilted uterus. He tried several times (uncomfortable, but doable). Then he decides to try with a bigger catheter (again, uncomfortable, but with the drugs...I've still got it together)...same problem. Next biggest catheter...same prob...this one starts to hurt. Keep in mind I'm still tender as hell from the harvesting on Tuesday. Finally, he gets the absolutely biggest catheter that they make...it's sturdier and longer. He tells me if THIS one doesn't work, they're going to have to totally knock me out and do a laparscopy (where they do a small incision and go in through the belly button). Needless to say...I'm not at all excited about this. I'm watching on the ultrasound machine the whole time he's doing it....he hits the last curve right before my uterus....and it gets stuck. I see it happen (and FEEL it). So it's either shove it in...or cut me open. He shoved that sucker in. I screamed. I was drugged to high hell and I can't describe how badly that hurt. So he gets it in (this is an hour, 20 minutes+ into it, by the way). I'm crying and just said - you've got to stop and just give me a minute to get it together here. I did a couple yoga breaths. As soon as the initial pain was over, it wasn't hurting (I'm sure the drugs also had something to do with that).

So we regroup and I actually got to watch on the ultrasound machine as they injected the two beautiful embryos into MY uterus. I was crying like an idiot. It was the most amazing thing ever! The doc took an ultrasound pic about 2 seconds after they were in and gave it to us. It's a teeny bright white dot on a gray printout...it's fantastic. If I come out of this pregnant...I'm' framing it.

Oh - when we were talking to the embryologist before the procedure we asked if we could get pics of the embryos. We have pics of that too!! He took pictures of the 2 8-cell beebees. It's so cool....they're right next to each other in the pic. God, I hope they're baby's first pics. We've decided that if this works, we're going to have pics of the cells framed and give to the 'rents for Christmas and we'll tell them the (hopefully) good news.

My appointment for the preg test is on the 14th. I'll go to the lab early, get blood taken and they'll send that to the fertility clinic who will then call me.

So that's the latest. I've decided that even if it's negative I'm still just totally thankful for today. If nothing else....I was pregnant for a day. God, that's just amazing to think about. And despite the fact that the last 2 weeks have made me a little insane - after today I've decided I can definitely do IVF again. This amazing feeling I've had all day has already made it all worth it. I laid here on the couch all day rubbing my belly...just marveling at the thought that 2 embryos are in there. I'm in complete awe. It's an incredible feeling.

I'm off all the crazy mood-mind altering hormones (my last injections were Sunday). Feel like I'm starting to level out a little bit. Althought since the harvest on Tuesday I've started mass amounts of progesterone...I've read that can give you mood swings too...but so far, so good.