Hold The Phone

After a few days to calm down - and a good long talk with the hubby who reminded me that while he tells me on occassion that I am superwoman, I do not actually own a cape and therefore do not qualify to take on the world all by my lonesome - we decided to put off off IVF until April.

Blah. Bleh.

Let's be honest - if you've read this mess of a blog, we all know it's true. I can blow bluster with the best of 'em, but when it comes down to it, I am a weenie.

J basically told me that I was waiting until April to do it. He said the only thing he could picture was me waking up from anesthesia crying. The drugs really fuck with my brain when I'm waking up. There's no sense to this, but every single time I'm knocked out I will wake up (and have no memory of it later) and start crying. I'll be handed a tissue and then I fall back to sleep. I wake up shortly after (this time actually awake), and every single time I have a balled up tissue in my hand that I have no idea where it came from. It's some really bizarre comfort for me - like somebody was taking care of me even though I didn't know it. It's weird. I'm ridiculously emotional when I wake up and I'm so thirsty I feel like I'm suffocating. Plus the drugs give me cotton mouth so bad I can't talk. So I'm crying and choking (but thank god I have my tissue!). J is of course the only one who has this routine down. So while I'm losing my mind unable to talk and the nurses are trying to figure out what the hell my problem is, Jeffrey is calmy asking for ice chips. Once I have some water in me, I'm a normal human being again. It's like being 4 years old for 10 minutes. Luckily, nurses tend to be sympathetic when you’re laying there having a 30-year-old tantrum on the table.

So, J told me no way in hell was I going to be laying on a table coming out of anesthesia crying while he's off at the slot machines in Vegas. Of course I reminded him that if I found out he spent ANY time at the casinos I was leaving him immediately and going to steal me a baby from somewhere. Having had a few days to calm down, he's right. I was being ridiculous in saying that I'd do it by myself although at the time I was mad enough to go through with it.

Stupid superwoman and her stupid ugly cape.

Oh - COME ON

So we just found out J’s job is sending him to Vegas for 4 days next month. The EXACT days that he needs to be here for his portion of the fertility treatments. And get this: his boss - who by the way KNOWS that we were doing IVF this month, knew about this conference in Vegas for months and just dumped it on him.

I'm so pissed off. I may meet his boss in the parking lot after work for a well deserved mental-woman-beat-down.

J is trying to get in touch with the doctor to see if he can have his "donation" frozen prior to him leaving. If so, I'm going by myself - even if J wasn't traveling, he wouldn't have been able to be there much anyway.

Which means I will be doing everything by myself. Everything - including finding someone who can get off work at the drop of a hat to come with me to the egg retrieval and drive me home after anesthesia.

I'll be totally alone on this one and for whatever reason that seems less scary than postponing another month.

The Recently Quoted

"I feel like a Mr. Potato Head that some mentally challenged kid has thrown together."
--Quote from one of my good friends going through a divorce, child in tow. I swear, it's my new favorite saying. I may have t-shirts made up. All this blogging, drinking, crying and depression over infertility - and all I needed was this one sentence to get me through it with laughter. I love it.

"Do you have kids? No? No kids? You guys are young, you should have kids, you'd get more money back. I have kids, I always get a refund. You should really think about having kids."
--Quote from our now EX accountant. You can't make this stuff up. Thank you H&R Block for rubbing your fertility in our face. Thank you Uncle Sam for not only NOT helping out with the cost of our fertility treatments, but also penalizing us for being infertile. Oh my god, you fucking rock.

"Well I guess we could afford the name brand green beans if we had kids."
--Quote from my husband as we're standing in the grocery store shopping for canned goods moments after our visit to H&R Block.

"We get a bigger house since we're having another kid."
--Quote from my Marine brother who now gets to move into a larger house on base simply because his wife is pregnant again. Another round of thanks to Uncle Sam. I suppose if we were enlisted, we'd be living in a box on the corner. I can't say it enough: You fucking rock.

Insomniac

I haven't been sleeping much the last few weeks. Not sure why. We get into bed around 10:30 or 11 every night. And I lay there, and lay there. I'm lucky some nights if I have fallen asleep by 3am. Once I finally do get to sleep, it's not restful. It's more dozing in and out until my alarm goes off. I don't feel tired during the day though.

Maybe it's just knowing more fertility treatments are right around the corner. I've been trying not put too much thought into it lately. I don't feel like I'm sitting around worrying about it, but who knows what's going on in this brain of mine.

The good news this week: I was finally able to track down my HSG test I had done a zillion years ago. Thank good...I wasn't looking forward to having to redo that. Expensive? Yes. Uncomfortable? Oh hell yes.

J has been put in charge of scheduling our bloowork. Once that's done, we're free to start NCIVF. Which (according to my cycle) would be in 3 weeks.

Ready or not....here we go again.