Round Two: The Sacrificial Lamb

Today was our first consultation for IVF Round 2. I'm having a really hard time getting excited about it. I just have this nagging voice in my head I can't shut off: "It was so easy for it NOT to work last time." I'm still feeling a bit betrayed by my body. Last time I did the cycle, I got to the night before my preg test...and wham. Period. Like the last two months I had spent going through hormones meant nothing.

Our doctor seemed to be really on the ball this time. Not that he wasn't last time. But last time, he had this "you're so young, this is going to work and be easy" kind of attitute. This time (obviously) he knows better. He's switching my stimulating meds, he's adding a LH drug, he's giving us the option of TET/GIFT/ZIFT/or doing a "mock" transfer so he can get a little more practice manuvering that catheter for the implantation. I feel like he knows we've got a problem here and he's racking his brains trying to think of ways around it.

My only issue is he's insisting that I do the progesterone injections after the harvesting. Last time I did progesterone pills and crinone gel. I'm not at ALL excited about the idea of having daily IM injections for 3 months. Not just for the sake of pain...but more because I know by the end of the last cycle I was just SICK to death of having to make my body available at 6pm for the sake of medical experimentation. It's this feeling that your body isn't yours and you're constantly tied to a cooler full of drugs and syringes. And THAT was after only a month of injections. This will be 4 months total (assuming I end up prego). I'll be ready to kill somebody.

On another note: I'm a true believer that things happen for a reason. Even if they're awful horrible things and you can't find a reason for them...it's there...somewhere. Today when we were talking to the doc, he was saying how in his entire career he'd never had such a hard time with the implantation as he did with me. And then the following week he had 2 more women with the same tilted uterus that I have. But since he'd "experimented" on me, he knew exactly what to do with them. Their procedures worked - both pregnant.

So I kind of feel like the sacrificial lamb. My first reaction was to get pissed and say "why the hell couldn't I have been the last one to implant?" BUT...I got to thinking that maybe these women had done IVF before and couldn't handle it again...or maybe they didn't have enough money for a second go-round (not that I'm Moneybucks or anything). But maybe there was some reason that I was the experiment. I kind of feel like I've paid my dues...almost 4 years of trying...and I (apparently) helped others have kids. Maybe it's my turn?

I hope, I hope. I'm scared of doing Round 2....and even though I told J I'd go to Round 3....I'm not sure that I can. This might be it for us.