This is what falling off the Happy Wagon looks like:

Today was our doctor’s appointment to discuss the latest failed IVF cycle. It went something like this:

Our doctor scratched his head a lot.
He flipped through our records – intently focused on each page.
He called the other office in Florida to ask them to fax more records.
15 minutes into the conversation he actually looks up at my husband and asks his fucking name. He flipped through more records.
He scratched his head.
He tried to convince us that after 4 years of trying to get pregnant, at least $30k-plus in some type of fertility testing or procedures, and two failed IVF’s that “it could still happen naturally”.
He flipped through more records.
He asked what we thought we should do.
He encouraged us to see another doctor.
He said we were working with bad sperm. Then told us we could do IUI. With a 10% success rate.
He scratched his head.
He told us it might not be bad sperm after all.
He suggested IVF with GIFT. Then said we don’t really need GIFT.
He said we could do regular IVF again. And again. And again….
He told us that a woman in our last cycle responded worse to the meds than I did. And she’s pregnant with twins.
He scratched his fucking head.
He flipped through the records one last time. Then handed them off to the nurse to make copies for us.
He encouraged us to find another doctor again.
He reminded us to “keep trying.” “Buy one of those ovulation kits”.
He charged us a fucking $20 co-pay. Then shipped us out the door.

I look back on the events of the last few hours and all I can think is: That twenty bucks would’ve gotten me a nice bottle of wine. Or two decent bottles of wine. Or three crappy bottles of wine….