IVF continues. I talked to the nurse in the Jacksonville office this morning, they're putting our plane tickets in the mail today. I ordered a ton of maps from AAA and the rental car has been reserved. I even did a little bit of clothes shopping this weekend. Just trying to be positive and keep it light. Trying....
Yoga is going great. I'm there 4 days a week. It's been so helpful in keeping my stress levels down. Plus, I'm constantly sore...so maybe amidst all this I'll gain some muscle tone without realizing it.
J and I had a good talk Friday night. Actually, he did the talking…I did the crying. He said sometimes he feels like I’m so caught up in all this that I want to have a baby more than I want to be married to him. He said sometimes he doesn’t feel even the slightest bit important compared to this.
Ouch.
God, I hate to say it, but he’s right. I don’t actually feel that way…but I’m obsessed with this. It’s every second of every day. It drains so much out of me that I don’t have anything left for him. I’m trying to find some kind of balance there and he’s very patient with me (thank god). Phew…I don’t even know what to do with that right now. I know he’s right. I just don’t know if I have the ability to fix it right now.
Saturday night we had the “what do we do if it doesn’t work again” conversation. I was blown away by how open J was to other options. I’ve really spent SO much time in the last few months beating myself up because this is his only option for biological kids. So if I’m not strong (and essentially faking my way through it with grace), the he’s going to think this is too much for me and he won’t want to do it again. So in a nutshell, my wimpy-ness will be responsible for J never having the option of having kids (I’m talking biological here of course).
Have I mentioned my wimpy-ness, my hatred of doctors, my phobia of needles, my fear of drugs, my severe hypochondriac-ness??? I am NOT the type of person IVF was invented for.
Anyway, when I asked him “what if”, his response was: Well, we’ll start exploring other options. I then asked him how the HELL he could be so cool about that? I mean I have been killing myself over this because I thought other options weren’t something he wanted to do at all. I thought he’d be one of these people who just wanted to do IVF until hell froze over. He said that ever since we got our tests back a few years ago, he’s been trying to come to terms with the “what ifs”. Apparently I’ve been left in the dark about this. Because I thought “what ifs” were just out for him. So it hadn’t really occurred to me to try to imagine the alternatives. Amazing what a little communication will do, right?
Hope all that made sense. My head is frickin’ pounding right now.
On the side effect front: Headaches, insomnia, shortness of breath. It’s been happening the last few days. But last night was the worst so far. I just felt like I couldn’t catch my breath at all. I was panting for a good half hour. I know it happened last time, but god it’s a really scary feeling. It’s like my lungs are suddenly too small. I feel like I’m suffocating. It lasted so long last night I panicked and I think I hyperventilated a little bit….my fingers and face were tingly.
The headache is kicking my ass right now though. In fact…publishing blog, laying head down for a little while……
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