Have you ever felt like your life was in a holding pattern? Like you were so consumed, or determined to get this one thing done, you put your entire life on hold until it was accomplished? "Once I get this report out for work, my life will get back to normal" or "Once this week is over, my life will get back to normal" or "Just let me get through the holidays and life will get back to normal...."
Our lives have been in this "holding pattern" for almost four years now. I yearn to be pregnant not just for the obvious reasons, but because I want life to start moving forward again. J and I were talking this weekend about how everything in our little world has been on hold, just waiting for this one miracle to happen.
It's funny how when you're "waiting on life to be normal," everything falls to the wayside. For instance, we USED to be the most organized people...monthly bills, day-to-day paperwork, tax info...ALL that used to be placed in a very neat manner in the filing cabinet. This year we walked into H&R Block with crumpled up balls of paper, missing half our documents, dropping papers on our way in the door. We looked like Charlie Brown's friend Pig Pen. In fact we had to interrupt our accountant so J could drive home to get some stuff we'd forgotten. It was pitiful.
We moved last year, just months before we began treatments. We still have unpacked boxes in the basement. We still haven't found "homes" for the phonebook or the spare sheets, we have at least 18 different places that the cell chargers are kept...looking for them is a day-long project. In our old house - everything had a very exact location. And it always got put away. Nowadays we walk in the door, dump all our crap on the kitchen counter and it's weeks before it gets put away. Usually when somebody's about to come over it gets crammed into the first convenient drawer. I think we're up to 5 junk drawers now.
Our lives have become junk drawers. We just keep cramming crap in there thinking we'll take care of it later. Thinking once the word "infertility" is behind us, we can move on and take care of all of this junk that's been sitting around for years. It's hard to stay sane, hard to keep it all together when your life feels so scattered. I'd like to say we could take a break from it. But whether it's actually going through fertility treatments, thinking about fertility treatments, visiting friend's new babies, oh...the endless stream of baby shower invites that I don't go to...hell, just walking through the grocery store and seeing a pregnant lady, or a little kid. There's no way to avoid it. Fertility or INfertility reminders are everywhere. There is no break.
I have a feeling this battle is going to last a long time. I think there will be the day when we look back and say...four years....ha!....that was nothing. The longer this drags on, the longer and harder I ultimately think it will be. My biggest fear is losing the delicate supply of hope and determination that we have now. It's not a big supply, it's been shaken, dropped and thrown. But I think there's enough to keep us going for a little while longer.
At least I hope there is. Because right now as I sit typing this, I can tell you that IVF #2 did not work. I know with every piece of me, that I am sitting here alone. Not full of triplets, not full of twins, or even a single. It's just me.
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