Looking Back, Taking Stock, and Making Up My Own Fairy Tale Ending

I was just sitting here reading through some of my old posts and HO-LY crap am I a depressing self-indulged whiner. Enough.

So here’s my full fledged (ok, ¾’s) attempt at getting my wits together, my mental state back in tact, my emotions under control and my eye back on the ball. It’s my new “fake it ‘til I make it” approach. It’s going to work. I’m going to shake off this ewwy, gooey funk and I’m going to be excited about the next round.

I was watching Discovery Health today. They had an hour special that followed 5 couples through a round of IVF. It was like watching a home video of one of my own cycles. The initial excited anticipation, the fear of needles, the side effects, the ultrasounds, the procedures, the implantation. And then: Beta Day. Three women: not pregnant. I cried along with every one of them, I wanted to reach through the TV and hug them. And then – two positive tests. Surreal. I thought they were both negative until they hung up and told their hubbies of the good news, they were both crying so hard. The weird part was, I guess I’m so numb to how this all ends (for us so far), that I just watched the positive-ladies and I didn’t quite “get it.”

So part of my shaking off the blahs is trying to imagine that moment. Because right now my definition of IVF is: daily physical pain, ridiculous emotion strain, then crushing disappointment. I need to redefine the last part to make the first 2 parts worth it.

Here is it: Next round is the last round. Why? Because THIS fall, I am going to get pregnant. And it’s going to be Hallmark Perfect. We’ll tell our families at Christmas, while it snows outside. We’ll give them perfect little embryo photos – the first pics for the baby album. It’s going to be fabulous. My due date will be right around our anniversary next summer. It’ll be very sweet and romantic. See? Already – I can’t wait.

[Please – remind me of this in a few months when the pre-needle amnesia kicks in.]