Hodgepodge of nonsense

Phew...what a few weeks...few months... Can you believe it's November? The air is crisp, the leaves are crispy. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. My mother in law asked me what I wanted for Christmas today. WHAT? It's no longer August? When did that happen?

Things have been fast for the last month or so. I took a trip out to CA to visit my brother, his wife and my nephew (my brother is in the Marines). It was a good visit, but a whirlwind. The wildfires started there the day we left - they were evacuated shortly after. I'm sure to them it feels like the visit never even happened after all that. But it was a good time - just wish we had spent more time visiting than trying to fit in all the sightseeing that we did. We did a little trip up to LA, San Diego, and then my other brother and my father and I went down to Tijuana. Oy...don't ever go there. Horrible place - dirty, poor and just all around sad. It's no wonder we have immigration issues in this country. Hell, one afternoon in TJ and legislators would be passing bills making it illegal to NOT come into this country. Really, it was a life experience.

The hubby has been jet-setting around the world. Well, not the world, but the midwest anyway. His company has him hopping around on private jets being wined/dined by huge corporations...big fancy expensive dinners out, golfing and...even a strip club on the latest venture. My god, what a life he leads.

We've made good friends with our new neighbors - they're about our age - awesome people. I continue to "grow" in my infertility journey. And by "grow", what I mean is she's pregnant and I haven't bitten anyone's head off about it yet. Look at me - it's like I'm all growed up. They seem to be pretty incredible people actually. I'm looking forward to spending more time with them.

We've decided to dive back into some more house construction (when will I learn?). It's been one week and already it's been one disaster after another. Honestly, so many things have gone wrong we've just been kicking back at night with some wine and laughing about it. We pulled up a portion of our bedroom flooring that was carpeted - we're replacing it with hardwoods. Only the nailer that we rented wouldn't work. We had it for 2 days and accomplished nothing. Oh, and to add to the stupidity of the situation, when we dismantled the bed, we leaned it up against the closet door and then stacked the dressers and various other crap in front of THAT. I haven't been able to get to my clothes in a week now. Smart move, right?

The reason for the carpeting having to go is I've had a really hard time with my allergies since we moved into this place. We've got somebody coming out next month to clean and sanitize our duct system. If that doesn't work, we're going to have someone come test for mold. It's been a year and a half - I wake up sneezing almost every morning, and even sometimes in the middle of the night. I'm not one to drug myself often, so I've been pretty miserable. Plus, I work from home, so I'm always around whatever it is. In fact right now I'm trying to shake a 2 week cold, which (so far) has turned in to a 3 week sinus infection. Antibiotics are only starting to help kill it.

Anyway - back to our construction disasters. As I mentioned, we took apart all of our bedroom furniture, which means we have been sleeping in the guest room for a week now. It's only a double bed in the guest room (we're used to a king). Not enough space for the 2 of us and the dog. Did I mention the dog is insanely spoiled and will NOT sleep on the floor by herself? We ended up moving a futon matress into the guest room and threw it on the floor. Me and the dog are sleeping together, hubby is in the bed. Pure, stinkin' rotten. But damn she's cute. She's also probably a big part of my allergy issue....

I talked to my doctor about all the problems I've been having - kind of gave her my recent medical history and she mentioned that doing IVF (all those hormones) can actually change your body chemistry. So something I might not have been allergic to before I took all the drugs, I could be very allergic to now. Once the holidays calm down I think I'm going to go in for a new round of allergy testing - haven't had it done in 10 years.

I can't help but wonder if the constant allergies may have affected the outcome of our IVFs. I've read where your immune system can literally attack and kill off the embryos. Mine has been in overdrive for quite some time now. Can't help but thing that could've had something to do with it.

In other health news. I am officially calling myself a vegetarian. I haven't had meat in over 7 months now. I did it for animal rights reasons, but I've been reading that getting all that gunk out of your system can actually help with IVF (among a zillion other health benefits). All the more reason to keep at it. I'm feeling pretty good - much more conscious about what goes into my body...definitely getting more vitamins.

This summer has been a godsend to me. Not only have I made some healthy lifestyle changes, but I really feel like I've been able to detox emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I still have days...well, not even days really, more like hours here and there, where the sadness of our journey will just blindside me and mow me over without warning. But overall, it was a hugely needed break not only physically, but for my mental state. It's the first time in over 4 years where I can truly say that it's not in the forefront of my brain at all times. It's lurking in there of course, but it's not a driving force.

I think most of it was (is) trying to get past the guilt of two failed IVFs. Guilt is a powerful thing isn't it? Those poor Catholics. :) As completely insane as it sounds, it was getting past the idea that "I" - or "My Body" killed off our embryos. It sounds stupid, doesn't it? Completely illogical. But that was it. I wasn't able to think "it just didn't work". In my head it was "it would've worked if I hadn't killed them." I just knew that I had done something wrong. It was my fault. Hell, even after having self-proclaimed myself "guilt-free" seconds ago, it still seems somehow *wrong* to say it wasn't my fault. Maybe that feeling never really goes away. It's all in how you move on, I suppose. I'll just keep working at it like everybody else.

We kept saying we were going to do IVF after my birthday (that was August). Well, 2 months later and I'm only just starting to toy with the idea again. J and I talked about setting up a consultation last night. I actually just signed up for an appointment online (they're supposed to call back in 48 hours to set it up).

Our plan is to do a consultation in January. Why January? Because we are going to Belize for New Year's. We get back in the wee hours of January 3rd. So we're going to try to get an appointment that day while we're in The Big City. We will not be going with the doctor we have used for the last 2 cycles. Hopefully this new clinic won't mind IVF-ing us from 4 hours away. I really don't think it should be a problem, but we just need to hammer out the details. More details to come, I'm trying not to use up too much brain power on it:

My focus is more on our trip. BELIZE!! How could you not be excited about that trip? I am very much looking forward to it. And if it deadens the fear of having a consultation, that's even better. :)

That's the latest......more later.