I’m Annoyed

I’m annoyed at everybody today.

I’m annoyed at myself for not being more stoic.

I’m annoyed at my husband for not feeling as pissed off as I do all the time.

I’m annoyed at every person I’ve ever known who’s gotten pregnant just because they were trying – or not trying. It’s mind boggling what I’ve done in my attempts at TRYING. I can’t even grasp the idea of actually having sex with my husband and thinking: this could be the time we get pregnant. Seriously, it’s like speaking Chinese. It doesn’t compute.

I’m annoyed at people who announce “we’re trying.” Although I probably did the same thing with my best girlfriends - you know – years the fuck ago when trying was fun and didn’t involve huge sums of money. I really can’t remember.

I’m annoyed because in my mail today came a bill from a collections agency. For $15 goddamn dollars that our old fertility doctor keeps trying to collect - from almost a year ago. $15 that I do not owe, that I’ve gotten at least 12 bills for, that I have had to stop what I’m doing and make phone calls about, that I’ve made trips to the billing department in person, and even after admitting that I don’t owe it, their fucking billing department STILL can’t get their shit together. I will let my credit score drop to zero before I pay that man one goddamn cent that I don’t owe him.

I’m annoyed because two weeks ago I was bouncing off the walls excited about NCIVF. Now all I can think is: this is just another creative, expensive, soul-consuming, painful, emotional attempt at another huge failure. Screw the power of optimism.

I’m annoyed because studies say that depression lowers your chances of conception. Can someone please invent a fucking fertility treatment that is not only fun, but makes me think: Yay, I GET to do this again! You know - like SEX. I want to hear fertile women say things like: "Damn, I wish getting pregnant were hard for me, so we could try that!" or "You're so lucky - you get to do fertility treatments!"

I’m annoyed at The Money. The shitloads of money. And for what? So I can spend months afterwards walking around in a haze – fighting with my husband because he’s not as sad as I am about this?

I’m annoyed over every stupid baby shower invitation that has ever landed in my mailbox (with the exception of one).

I’m annoyed because I can NOT go to baby showers. Put simply, I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with them. Although if I finally get pregnant - I will expect every person I've ever met to not only be there, but to come bearing wildly expensive gifts.

I’m annoyed at people that in their attempts to “shield” me from this living hell of cycle-failure-cycle, go out of their way to keep their pregnancy news a secret. I appreciate the motivation behind it - I do. But avoiding the elephant in the room does nothing but isolate me even more. And trust me, I can’t be much more isolated in all this than I already am.

I’m annoyed that infertility is so isolating. This is what all my “woe is me” stems from. With the exception of my spouse, who internalizes this either very lightheartedly, or not at all, or maybe just in the exact opposite way that I do, I am entirely alone in my circle of friends. So basically I just happen to live in the same house with someone whose wife is going through infertility. It. Fucking. Sucks.

I’m annoyed that when I get together with a group of women, I am always the only childless freak in the room. I constantly find myself the only one who is physically unable to contribute to any of the conversation. I’m down to one friend that I see on a regular basis who doesn’t ramble about her precious child, or bitch about late night feedings, or whine and moan about being pregnant.

I’m annoyed at women who have children and yet don’t even know what hCG is. Or how miserable a HSG test is. They don’t know my old friends Estradiol, or Bravelle, or Follistim, or Menopur, or Lupron, or Novarel, or Prometrim. They don’t know the disgusting uncomfortableness of Crinone. Or egg retrievals, or holding their breath for fertilization and cell counts. They really, really annoy me.

I’m annoyed by all the fertility doctors that invented everything I listed above. Seriously, you HAD to have gone through a lot of trouble to reproduce all the pregnant-human, nun-pee and horse-placenta hormones that you ruthlessly shoved into me with needles. Couldn’t you have just FIXED the fertility problem instead of trying to get around it?

I'm annoyed at fertility doctors with shitty bedside manner. Sometimes we "patients" just need someone to hold our hand while we're having a procedure done, or an IV placed. One small thing like a pat on the shoulder will go a long way and will probably increase those success rates that you're so desperately worried about. It also makes forking over the $12k a little easier.

I’m annoyed that I don’t have one friend that has ever said to me: all my crying and anger is normal and it will pass – but in the meantime feel free to be pissed the fuck off that there is actually Stork Parking at my local grocery store. Seriously, do I need a sign that will slap me in the face every time I need bread?

I’m annoyed that when we talk about our next phase of house-remodeling, we have to plan around a fucking nursery that may or may not EVER happen. And I'm super-annoyed that I actually lose sleep over deciding what color to paint said room "in the meantime."

I’m annoyed that when my husband and I discuss kids, I have to make a conscious effort to say “WHEN we have kids”, even though my natural response is “IF we have kids.”