Pardon me while I go see a movie.

Thursday was a weird fucked up day. In the hours after my doctor's appointment, I was trying to kill time between checking into our hotel and waiting on my lab work to come back. So I took myself to a movie. I was entirely too distracted for much of anything, but I can usually zone out in front of a movie. I was at the theatre an hour before they even opened, and once they did I simply asked for a ticket to their earliest showing, provided it wasn't scary. Eagle Eye. Pretty good by the way. Or at least in an action-junky-no-need-to-think-things-through kind of way.

I picked a seat right beside the door and sat there with my cell phone in both my hands - turned on vibrate, and with the little flashy light thingy on the outside turned on. A visual, a tactile. It rang just as the opening credits started.

I jumped up and was out of the theatre standing in the hallway when I heard my doctor’s voice: “16. Dammit.” It took me a split second to decipher.

16. My LH levels. They can’t go above 12 before you trigger. 4 points. Four fucking points stood between a possible successful cycle and a cancelled cycle. He asked me if I wanted to come back in for more bloodwork “We could test again – you never know…maybe the lab made a mistake…maybe the levels went back down.” Great. This is my doctor grasping at straws.

“I’m not coming back in. I’m going to see a movie.” This was my response to my doctor telling me our 5th awful attempt at having a baby was over. “I’m going to see a movie.” This was my response to hearing I will never carry a child, we will never have biological children. “I’m going to see a movie.” It’s hilariously fucked up. There has got to be some really telling statement in there about…well…I don’t even know – reality TV watchers? People voting McCain? Women defeated by infertility treatments? All of which – very fucked up.

After our diagnosis, I knew it was going to be a rough journey, but I also knew it would work. You think if you try hard enough, if you do it enough times – eventually it has to. But unfortunately, that’s not the case. We could do round after round and still end up here. We’re not willing to live our lives like this forever. But I’m having a hard time admitting The IB has won. If she were an actual person I’d kick the crap out of her.

There’s a part of me that isn’t sure I’m ending this without regret. In fact, I can’t say 100% that this is the end (and for that reason). If we had just made it through the retrieval this time and it didn’t work, I’d be able to live with that a little easier. But you know…canceling a cycle because I can’t count. Well, that’s fucking stupid.

I don’t know. We’ve decided to give it a few months, see how we feel. See how the idea of calling this the end still sits.

In the meantime…I’m out of here. Maybe I’ll go see a movie.